The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH was in a very dark place yesterday since I validated out separation, since I've put my foot down. His mother said he cried all night and this morning he cried as he walked out the door for work. He stated he was tired of living (not sure if that was a manipulative tactic) yesterday. Well, got a call from his mother, he never showed up for work. So now what? Do I worry? Do I just go about my day? Not sure I know how to do that.....Do I look for him? What do I do with this?
It seems like he cries a lot when he has been drinking. And yes, I would think the whole tired of living thing is manipulation. It may be the truth, but said to his mom it was something to try to make her feel guilty. He has been to rehab, he knows how to get into recovery, he chooses not to take advantage of it.
What to do? In my opinion, and my opinion only, telling his mom not to call you and tell you things like he missed work would be a good start. he's a big boy, and has to hold down a job himself. What can you do about it? He needs to get motivated to get recovery, and living with his mom and having her and you worry about him, trying to find him won't make it happen. And then you take care of you - get to meetings, meetings. Don't let his dis-ease wreck your life.
My BIL went through all of this a few years ago. My wife and MIL worried about him, gave him all kinds of help, etc etc, but he chose to live with criminals barely surviving, fired from more jobs than I can count. It took a near-death experience for him to finally realize he could do something about it.
So sorry you are going through this. It is gut-wrenching how this disease wrecks so many people's lives within the alcoholics family.
Pray that he is held in the arms of his HP and go about your day to the best of your ability. If he chose to behave in more self destructive ways, it is still his choice. I know this is agonizing....remember you did not cause this, cannot control this and cannot cure this. Go to a meeting asap. (((hugs)))
And I agree with Kenny, tell his mom to stop calling you to report in.
Who knows? Maybe he went to an AA meeting, or checked himself into a hospital or is looking into detox and rehabs? Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, you are completely powerless over any of it. I can remember driving my AS through the City several years ago. He'd had two years of AA under his belt and was doing well. Both of us were at a good place together. There was no tension or unsettledness between us. I had to wait at a traffic light and all of a sudden, he saw a bar and told me to let him out. I asked, "Are you sure you want to do this?" He said, "Yes." He bolted out of the car and although he didn't say he was headed to the bar, we both knew he was. I could never have foreseen that happening and I couldn't prevent it either. He was an adult. He knew he was an alcoholic. He knew there would be a price to pay. He still got out of the car and drank. No matter how many commercials tells us to run interference and get in the way of a drug or a drink or any other thing that might come along, we really can't do that unless it is a HP'd thing that we just know we need to do and can't seem not to do it. There is a difference between a compulsion to do something and doing something because it is clearly marked out for us that this is something we are to do by our HP. The fact that he is not in your hula hoop and outside your range of vision tells me you are free to turn him into the hands of his HP and do what is yours to do within the boundaries of your own life.
