The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So today I felt really lonely. I was reminiscing about things I miss in my marriage. I was down on myself for having 2 failed marriages. I was depressed about an argument I had with my oldest child. I made a mistake, once again, by thinking my husband could fix everything. Why do I continue to look for help from the person I left? Why do I imagine he is my knight in shining armor? I thought about it today and realized that I am so used to having a partner to live with. I have always been in a relationship since I was a teenager. I had only a year without anyone between my 2 marriages. I was on the rebound. I have to train my mind to be ok without living with a man.
So, I called my husband and it was insanity. I asked him if my daughter and I could come over to see the new pond he put in the backyard. He said "no. You will just complain about how messy the inside of the house is." I asked him if he was just getting up. He sleeps a lot during the day and he sounded tired. He said "are you f'ing kidding me?" But he said the real word. I told him I was hanging up because he was on speaker. It was 5pm. But he has slept that late often before. So then I was wrong by pulling over and texting him why i wanted to come over. He texted back that when I asked him if he was just getting up he felt like I was just like his mother. "Not saying a curse word, but being as mean as a rabid pit bull."
So, I was like a mom asking him that...I asked because I was going to come visit and wanted to know if he was awake. Mistake: calling him. I know. However, I am pointing out the craziness he exhibits. Asking a question like I did makes him act like a crazy man in my opinion. I was not mean to him. he has so many issues with his mom and he takes his feelings out on me. We have a mother/child relationship. I am so tired of it. I have also told him if the house isn't cleaner inside, our daughter won't be coming over. My motive was to check out the house, but I was also feeling lonely and wanted to test us out again and see if we could be normal and get along. we didn't even get past a phone call! What was I thinking??? I will have to stick to my promise if it isn't clean, she isn't coming over. I still own the house. I won't know if it's clean unless I go inside.
I am finding that if I just go through the feelings of loneliness and sadness, etc and do something to keep my mind occupied instead of going to my husband, the time will pass quickly. So I ended up coming home to my apartment and cooking, baking and cleaning with my daughter instead. Got my frustrations out by scrubbing a dirty pot. We had fun and I ignored my husband. Just telling a story of my crazy interaction with him. I have examined it...so be gentle on me. :)
i am ok without a man!! That's my new slogan I need to say over and over.
Sincerely,
the rabid pitbull
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 27th of July 2014 11:17:27 PM
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 27th of July 2014 11:21:17 PM
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 27th of July 2014 11:23:15 PM
You could try viewing the failed marriages as successes, thats twice youve had the guts to face the facts and move towards happiness. Its all a state of mind and its all in your hands noone elses.
It sounds to me that your stuck in limbo land, its over but its not, you want him but you dont, you want him in your life but you dont. Ive been in this land and its just as damaging as being In the full blown madness. Its a continuation of the madness, disguised as sanity.
I suggest you let go, I mean no contact at all, give you and him a proper chance to mourn and move on and away. All the excuses you have for staying in his life are just excuses. Why are you afraid to let go of him, I would look for the real, true reason. I had to look deep to uncover my reasons and differentiate between the excuses and the truth. I uncovered that I liked having him at arms length, it gave me control and power, he behaved the way I wanted a bit more, I could have my big toe in the drama and back off when it got intense, I could take my time about whether I wanted him or not, it felt less painful, scary, he was my crutch to let go of it and swim alone was scary. I came to realise this was not doing either of us any good, I was stringing him along and I was using him all because I was scared to let go.
as soon as I made the break, completely, everything got so much better. Limbo land had an impact on me and my progress that I hadnt realised. It kept me back and in the denial, it was so good letting that one go.x
Your experience appears to me to be eye openers for you. Rather than continue to go down a path that wasn't working for you, you chose to do something different that resulted in being fun for you. Seeing part of the disease that is ours - mothering an adult - and recognizing that isn't something you want to continue with him - good for you. I see awareness, acceptance and guided action in your share. Progress. That's all that is asked of us. To make progress without expecting perfection. It takes awhile to recognize that we are just fine without a human spouse or lover. Some of us get to the place where not only do we learn we are just fine without a spouse or lover we are also happier and more free without one. You're doing just fine. Keep working it. We've practiced our disease for a long time. It takes time for us to recover our lost selves and to relish them.
I have struggled with perfectionism most of my adult life. I never realized it because I don't take on many things, but when I do I expect them to be perfect. Once I realized that, it gave me the freedom to take on more things where I might fail, and also to look at some things in a different light - who cares if I fail? Failing isn't important, it's what I do about failing that is important. Did I get back up on the horse so to speak, or just lay down there wishing the horse would put me back up on him, meanwhile getting trampled by the horse who has no idea of such expectations?
Kenny
PS Hope that analogy made sense. It was stretching it a bit!
