The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, my Addict husband has been out of rehab for a month and a half, but since has decided to stop working on our marriage and wanted to split up (which we have) and has continued a phone relationship with someone who he met at rehab.....which tore me to absolute pieces, since it was happening in my own home. I have been a train wreck for 3 weeks, feeling such pain and rejection! But since he left a few days ago, I've been much more peaceful, actually happy again just recently, remembering my self worth.....but then....he goes on a 3 day binge, and of course wants to come back. I could have predicted this in my sleep, was prepared for his sobs and proclamation of his "love" for me. And it happened, we went round and round for hours, he didnt want to leave, said i was his true love, he wants his family, "she" was just a friend (she confirmed it was much more) all that.....tears, sobs, and begging. My confusion is, why after all that, did i feel sorry for him and bad for him instead of myself? I was so consumed with his feelings about everything after our "talk" ended and he drove off that I was failing to remember how i felt about it all, i found myself having to reminding myself on all the pain he caused. I found myself pushing my feelings to the side again, why? After all of this, how did he get before me again? I felt guilty for taking a stand for me, for seeing him suffer. I feel like i should say "good riddens", but I'm not, it feels terrible.
I'm standing my ground, he isn't moving back in, but it's very difficult to watch him unfold.
I understand your confusion. It is a terrible feeling. Now that
Ah wants a divorce it is like a flood of emotions that have been building up
Are coming to the surface. I had gained my serenity, i could feel it slipping
When i stared noticing he was acting squirrelly. I said never again will i
Let him do that to me again. I am trying to stand tall against his nasty
Attitude. Since his announcement of girlfriend and divorce, he has been very
Nasty toward me. I will see how he acts tommorow when he plans on moving
Back in. I will get a legal order if he is abusive at all toward me. I will move when
I am ready to not before.
Remember that A's are master manipulators. My guess is that if you had a written-out transcription of your conversation with him, you'd be able to see exactly where he pulled out lines that piled on the guilt and his poor-me position and all of that. Those lines are hidden as they go by, but they have the intended effect. Plus our minds revert to what we're familiar with, which is trying to take care of their feelings instead of our own. I had to write out a long list of all the things he'd done and painful things that had happened and cruel decisions he'd made, and read it over again and again, because I'd get in such a sentimental and nostalgic headspace that it was almost like I'd erased the memory of all the bad stuff. That was what kept me hooked for so long. But then I'd read over the list and go "Oh yeah! I remember why this was incredibly painful!"
You recognize what's going on -- that's half the battle!
Remember that A's are master manipulators. My guess is that if you had a written-out transcription of your conversation with him, you'd be able to see exactly where he pulled out lines that piled on the guilt and his poor-me position and all of that. Those lines are hidden as they go by, but they have the intended effect. Plus our minds revert to what we're familiar with, which is trying to take care of their feelings instead of our own. I had to write out a long list of all the things he'd done and painful things that had happened and cruel decisions he'd made, and read it over again and again, because I'd get in such a sentimental and nostalgic headspace that it was almost like I'd erased the memory of all the bad stuff. That was what kept me hooked for so long. But then I'd read over the list and go "Oh yeah! I remember why this was incredibly painful!"
You recognize what's going on -- that's half the battle!
So true and thank you for that reminder. I am going to write that list down tonight and continue it from now on. Thank you.
A's are very manipulative. Mine cries on cue. I told him once to call the AA hotline because he said nobody would talk him including me. He was crying and sobbing and screaming actually until I told him to call the hotline. Then he got mad and the theatrics suddenly stopped. It was eye opening for me. I texted him the hotline number. I was done.
Thank you all for these posts. Just want I needed to read at this moment.
AH does all of the above. Will try any tactic, if one doesn't work, he will just move onto another. None of them work these days on me. They used to. Now I see it with detached clear eyes and heart. A sick man whose disease is seeking to get what it wants. He himself as a person doesn't know what he wants or needs, he is too numb. The disease is in the driving seat, not him the human being. As it was when I was active in my drinking.
A's are boringly predictable! It all follows a well worn tedious pattern. None of it is personal.
Detachment with love is a life saver. Peace becomes possible.
A's use flirty relationships with others as they do alcohol, to get a short term high. Once it wears off, the person is usually discarded! Like an empty bottle.
Sorry to read of your pain, Sunrise. Good for you for standing your ground and honouring yourself.
Your thinking is changing just like mine, but your head and thoughts are still in old mode, we got like this because we rescued and didn't,t put ourselves first, these are called habits and changeable, we need to change our default to us first, it makes me feel strange too because the outcomes to these new behaviours are alien to me also be cause I am seeing different outcomes and these new outcomes are healthy not forced or manipulated, it,s always tempting and easier to fall back on those old worn comfy slippers, but have strength and belief in yourself that if you just change something slighltly you will see a better outcome, and e ventually feel a whole lot better and stronger! Xxx
Sometimes that unfolding is very well done, designed to play on your emotions, especially guilt. Addicts are very cunning, experts at getting their own way. Manipulation is the name of his game. Fall for it and there will be a next time.
Would you believe anyone who told you that if you truly cared for him, you should let him unfurl, let him reach rock bottom and concentrate on you?
Thank you, thank you for helping me see that as unnatural as my feelings felt, I was feeling normal. This is awful, the confusion and sickness is nothing I would wish on my worst enemy.
Yes, the theatrics came out, he played the suicide card as he has so many times in the past to get me to open my arms again, but this time i just called the ambulance, I called his bluff. He was angry that I did but I said I wasnt going to be controlled with that anymore. He was out in a couple hours....ha, what a manipulator.
This roller coaster ride of emotions can become so unbearable, I wish I could leave the country sometimes. And yet, my heart goes out to him, I hate to see him that way. But I guess it's all a game for his own needs, I dont think he knows what he wants, who he is. And I'm the only sense of security he is familiar with. I want to feel like someone's wife, not their mother.
It is so hard to grasp my serenity, to put me first, its unknown territory for me and it can feel wrong and foreign, even though I know it's right. I can't wait for these struggles to lessen.
The intensity will subside as you work your program. It is good that you trusted this forum enough to bring those feelings here for us to see and help you process. You are doing great, even though it does not feel that way right now. We have been there.
