((LInda))) it is a process and we must work through the sadness, grief and loss before we can move on. Program will help you do this with courage,serentiy and wisdom. Keep showing up and working the steps

Sorry you are having a hard time. I can't remember if you have children. Do you? I am sorry to be blunt with everyone here who doesn't have children. It has to be easier to walk away if there aren't children. I have 3 kids and it is hard for me having 2 failed marriages. The children are the best thing that happened out of my marriages. The men are not nearly as important in my opinion. I had to show my kids I would not continue to put up with bad behavior. I know animals cower and hide when there's fighting going on. They feel tension too. If you don't have kids, your fur babies are like kids and they're suffering too in my opinion. I have seen my dogs hide and look sad because of a chaotic household.
Just my 2 cents

Gosh, as I read these posts it's amazing that so many of us struggle through the same sack of emotions.  For years I felt alone, crazy, unsure, happy, peaceful and explosive all in one day, and the saga continues....and as my heart goes out to all of us in pain who are struggling to get through each day, I find comfort that I'm not alone.  You can't imagine what this has done for me, it has given me the sense of hope and encouragement I haven't received for years.  I look back and wonder how I was ever able to process so many different feelings and unstable situations for so long, was I built to handle those things?  I guess, but I need to apply all of this strength and wisdom I've developed into something better for me.........and so do you!  I tear myself up daily, wanting to run into his arms and feel "home" again, but I know that would be the worst thing for both of us.  But I can't shake those feelings, just like you.  And I find myself punishing myself for feeling them when I know they are wrong, questioning my sanity also.  I wish I could just shut that switch off, but I can't either, not yet anyway, guess it's a process everyone here seems to have gone through or are going through.  

Kenny I agree, sometimes where I derail is thinking to much about if, when and how it will ever all fit back together again. I don't like not having control, but really my issue is don't call me and tell me let's work on this blah, blah, blah, string me on for a week, then decide Oh wait, it's too much for me to know what is going on at my home or on the outside, so now I only will talk to you once a week, and let you know if I decide to invite you to see me or do activities.

If you want to work on healing this marriage, then mean what you say and say what you mean. It takes two to do this and also compromise. They made the decision and forced it on me. I had no input. So after really thrashing around with this latest mess, I have to let it go. That's it. Detach from the insanity. If  he calls on Saturday night at 10 fine, doesn't mean I will be here to answer, doesn't mean I won't be here. I guess also it has been pounded into my head that we should empathize, support, encourage, not argue with active or recovery A's but honestly when does it ever become NOT ABOUT THEM. I know the answer.....when I don't let it be about him.

I think he should marry the guys in the house, they all fit together perfectly! Most of them that don't had jobs, education, nothing should just be marriage counselors, they are great at it! (Just kidding)

What I meant about it being easier without young children, is you don't have to worry about child custody and visitation issues. It's heartbreaking. The A's are our family, too I agree. Sounds like all the grown children are tired of it all. I think it's good to consider their feelings too.

Hello Flower, here is what I'm remembering upon reading your posts in this thread. When we (my ex-ah and I) both determined that the alcohol was what was causing the majority of the problems in our marriage, my thinking was great, we know the cause, lets get rid of it and move on. Easy eh? I was so angry that here "we" knew what the problem was but he refused to do his part in fixing the problem! He used AA-speak to try to bs me with how he was working on recovery while at the same time continuing to party. Here I was at home, crying, working, hoping, and really wanting him back, wanting him whole, wanting us to work things out and there he was telling me on the phone one thing while living another - he said the words "i want to work on us too, I miss you, I love you, i'm going to AA, I'm working on things" while the truth was, he was having a ball with his old buddies. I'm not saying that is what every man in recovery is doing, but it was what he was doing. And I would get bursting mad whenever I discovered that he was out partying when he claimed to be sitting alone pondering, working, missing me, etc. I read a lot and worked a lot; started to see myself taking steps back away from him - those steps back helped me to see more clearly. I too was torn up about divorce, breaking the marriage contract, but a friend said - you can always remarry if he does reach sobriety. As I stepped back I quit obsessing about what he was doing and focused on making it through my days; hoping for signs of recovery from him, but not seeing them, eventually I accepted that divorce was what had to happen, thinking we could always remarry. Even today I think what it might take for me to take him back, its been three years since my divorce and I still miss the man I fell for, would love to see him recovered and living a peaceful life.

But I remember how hurt and angry I was to find out that instead of being at home like he said he was, he was at the lodge, or, instead of going to AA meetings, he was playing pool - lies that fueled my anger, how could he? there I was crying and in pain, hurting from the destruction addiction brought into my life and he's out playing pool????? Our marriage meant so little to him that he's out with his buddies chasing women while I'm stressing over the mess our life has become??? I wanted to take him by the scruff of the neck and shake him and scream these things at him, shake him into standing up and coming to his senses and getting our life back together. I didn't have the power to change him, only me.