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Post Info TOPIC: Working slogans


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 233
Date:
Working slogans


Well, today the AH agreed to most of my financial settlement agreement. I had to give on a few things, and was more than glad to just to get him to agree and I can give to atty to draw up. He works w/ a bunch of attornyes at his job (although they are not civil attys he thinks they can tell him if it is "fair" or not). I gave up things I am legally entitled to so it is more than fair.

But, as this process has been playing out today (quite peacfully - thank God), I was thinking of the wonderful helps of AlAnon the past few months that has made me think straight and focus on what is necessary, and what is not. What is in my control; and what is not. I am praying that the next day or two go very smoothly and we can proceed w/ little fanfare.

One Day At A Time. and I love JUST FOR TODAY. I will only do this, and not that. I have lived by this faithfully and each day asked myself, Are you staying or leaving today? Until Friday, each day I would say, "Just for today I am staying." Then Friday, "Today, I am going to call my atty. and start the process of leaving." Each day since I have confimred that decision.

The 3 Cs were instrumental in me getting to this point: I did NOT cause this; I can NOT control this; I can NOT cure this. The years and years of being told, "if you would, this is your fault, if you were......" And even though I knew it wasn't true, I didn't have the tools. Now I do, and I can stand on them. 

The 3 As. These are still new to me, but I am coming to also understand each truth. Even before coming to AlAnon I knew a lot of the truths, but just didn't know how to commuicate it, or what to call it. 1. Awareness - I was aware my spouse was a closet drinker, and addicted. But, I called it sin or addiction; not disease. I know am aware of the disease of not only the A, but me, and the role I was/am in.  2. Acceptance. The 3 Cs fall in this category for me. And Step 1. I am powerless over alcohol and my AH.  I can totally claim that.  3. Action. Well, I don't know if I met the time line to sit still and wait this out before I took action (filing divorce), but as I said, I was pretty much done before I came to AlAnon, so this just confirmed what I already knew. But, made me confident that I could stand, unguilty or remorseful with my decision.

It came down to ACCEPTANCE. I have two choices: Stay OR Leave. In both situations I have to understand (ACCEPT) that my action may not change the As status. It is what it is and I have to leave or stay expecting he will continue to do what he has done for a long time. When I make either of those decisions it has to be with the undertanding that I stay AS IT IS, or I leave AS IT IS. I can not live like this any longer. So staying was on the chopping block and I am left w/leaving.

What if I stay? I will be unhappy, trapped, unloved, used, lied to, mistreated.......

What if I leave? I will be free of all the above.

Well, there you go. Where's my EASY button.

One of my bff's told me today, "If God wants you together, He will make that happen during the 6-month separation, but that requires two peolple and God all in unison." I can take that to the bank. I told her God would have to give me amnesia for me to even remotely consider such a notion. :)

So, Just for Today, I am calm, and hopeful. And not afraid. 

And I am SO happy my son will be home tomorrow after a week long visit w/ his dad. Oh, I miss that boy (young man). He is going to be dancing as he has an almost new truck waiting for him when he arrives; and I will be glad to have my car back that he had to take to the aiport last week. Happy, Happy, Happy. Sorry, he likes the Duck Dynasty guys. lol!

 

 

 

 

 

 



__________________

Do the next right thing~

I've never regretted taking the high road. ~



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:

God did for me what i could/would not do for myself. My ah asked
For the divorce and has consummated his new relationship with another
Sober a At a romantic spiritual aa roundup weekend. It is a done deal
Now. No more trying to make the marriage work. It is a relief but very
Painful. God is making me suffer my thoughts and feelings but i need
To do that myself and face them to heal and move on. I will be grieving
The loss of my marriage and husband.

Now to see if he will be civil and decent on splitting the assets up.
He is already giving me a hard time. I will know more tomorrow
When he moves back in. I will be leaving but i told him when i am
Ready and willing to leave. I emailed my lawyer about the situation.


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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:

Blessed, ((((hugs)))), there is a beautiful clarity in your post that I really appreciate.
Mirandac, I'm sorry that you are hurting right now, but I like that sense of relief you mention. Sending you ((((hugs)))) as well.

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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 233
Date:

The law is the law. Depending on where you are it is typically 50/50 of assets/debts accumulated during your marriage. You can just do it, or you can give up what you have to attorneys (fighting) and hope you have a little left at the end.

My AH is cheap, cheap, cheap, so that is to my advantage in this particular situation. He doesn't have a problem buying liquor but not to keen on giving $ to an atty. He would really like me to do a "do it yourself" divorce but I really want an atty to draw up the paperwork & I have already consulted w/ him so know what the judge in our area is going to do regardles of what we want. If we come to an impasse, this judge will give x, y and z. It is worth consulting w/ an atty because they know your local judges and the only one that counts is the judge. 

If your A will listen to any reason, you might want to explain that "real court" is not Court TV, and the judge you get will decide who gets what. There is no jury. It is one man that will decide your fate and your future. You have ONE chance to make a good impression. They are not gong to listen to ANY tit of tat crap. That only happens on TV. If there is abuse, it will be heard, etc. but arguing, etc. Well, they are not going to hear that, who doesn't argue? Adultery of course is an issue and grounds for divorce, if you are in a state you need grounds (we are not a no-fault state). 

So, try not to argue, just state clearly that you prefer not to give up your money to attorneys. You can get a medicator much cheaper and they know the law. If you have an aggreement, the judge just signs off and that is that. 

Good Luck. It ain't fun but might as much do it as painlessly as possible if there is no other solution.



__________________

Do the next right thing~

I've never regretted taking the high road. ~



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 233
Date:

There is definately a grieving process. There was a time I loved this man and thought I had the fairy tale life. 

If only people came w/ crystal balls. :)

 



__________________

Do the next right thing~

I've never regretted taking the high road. ~



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:

I live in a 50-50 state. Everything we have has been purchased since our marriage.
I believe its also no fault state, i do have a lawyer. My dry Ah doesn't think we need one,
He does not want to be fair or easy. I will see how he acts tomorrow, when i see
Him he is not being civil or caring at all.

I need to turn my will over to my hp, i have been resisting this for a long time. I went to two
Different therapist and they both said the same thing get the h**l out. So here i am
In the midst of getting divorced and am very sad but po'd at him for his girlfriend. This
brings out very primitive feelings in me. Loss, rejection, abandonment, hurt and
Pain. Especially From someone i trusted my life and love with. I need to let go and let god.
Hows that slogan!




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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 233
Date:
Update on status - 45 days


Well, we have a better idea of a timeline now. My AH spoke to banker today re: refi. Complicated, but they do not want to see "divorce" anywhere on paperwork. Due to the mandatory 6-month separation it is not likely to be approved because a lot can happen in 6 months. And this is a bank we have a history with and a good relationship. So, I will hold off legal proceedings until refi is done. I have no $ until we get our $ out of house. We have always put large down payments down on our homes, so that is our "savings". That will take 45 days or less.

I was so nervous/anxious today and my atty is on vacation. He did retrun my email, but I didn't want to take up his vacation. Can't meet w/ him until next week. That is tough.

After the refi. we can do the filing for the divorce and start the separation. I am not excited about 45 more days of wedding bliss, but at least I have a number now, and kind of, sort of a date. It is better than no date I suppose.

We will continue to close out joint accts; utilities, credit cards, etc. where there hopefully won't be much to do at the time of filing. 

It will give my boss relief as well as we have this time to find a replacement for me; and train. They are deeply saddened (she said devastated). Not to be boastful but I am a darn good employee, and run their business like it is my own. I do love my job and employer. It is the only thing good in the place. A year ago the office mgr left w/ ZERO mins. notice 1- hour before the office was to open. I stepped in to "help out" and have been there every since & redone how everything was done and made order where there was none, and saved the ship, so to speak. They are very good to me, and me to them. It is a great relationship. They offered me more money, benefits and full-time hours. But, it is in VA and I hate VA. It is cold 8 months out of the year, and being a tropical gal from Florida, it is not a good fit. My son will be going to college in FL so there is nothing for me here, so I'm outta here. No more winters in VA. Oh glory day! I have been here 5 years too long. 

Have a great week.

 

 

 



__________________

Do the next right thing~

I've never regretted taking the high road. ~



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
RE: Working slogans


Prayers for peace for you as you continue to progress towards a big change and a happy move for you, Blessed.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig

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