Cheater - Al-Anon Family Group

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Cheater

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Bless your heart, LU,

I'm so sorry you are in a position where you feel it necessary to ask yourself that question.
Somebody with a cheating husband will come along and give you some ESH, I am sure.
My husband doesn't have physiucally cheating with a woman in his makeup, but I've always felt he placed me after his co-workers, his Bridge game, his golf, his whatever, so I know something about how it feels.
Dr. Phil says the best predicter or future behavior is past behavior.
And you know he is capable of it.
And I have never heard anything about alcohol's improving anyone's character.

Try to take care of you. The STDs around today make it even scarier.

Hugs,
Temple

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand what you are going through. My first husband cheated on me with a few women. We divorced when my kids were 4 and 6. It broke my heart. At one point he was acting like he wanted to come back to me, but I knew the trust was gone. The issue for me is that I couldn't trust him anymore. Same with my current AH and alcohol. My AH is/was cheating on me with "lady alcohol" is what I call her. In both situations I wanted my girls to understand that the behavior of these men is not ok and shouldn't be tolerated. I am hoping some day they are proud of me for not staying in bad marriages. I know if one of my daughters had a cheating husband in the future I would not trust him again and would help her not be in the relationship.
It is of course your choice to stay or not. I remember when I first found out he was cheating, all I could do was picture them in my mind having sex. I would ask him details about time frames, etc and no matter what he would tell me I wasn't sure I could believe anything he said. All I know is I need trust in a relationship. My issue is I picked the wrong men. We can't beat ourselves up for choosing the wrong people. My first husband married the woman he cheated on me with, and now they are divorcing too! The grass isn't always greener on the other side. We can't predict the future...if they will cheat again or not...just look at the present. Do you think you can keep trusting him??

i remember the humiliation of going to the doctor to get checked for STD's. That's scary.

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 27th of July 2014 11:47:43 AM

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 27th of July 2014 11:48:36 AM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to say that everyone is capable of changing if that is what they want to do. You can know what they want to do by what they do. Regardless of what your bf does beyond this point, does your value system say you are comfortable with a person you can't trust in this area? I don't need an answer, of course, but the fact his cheating on you has bothered you this much tells me your value system might be trying to get your attention?

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I had an affair in my first marriage. It has never happened again nor have I had the desire.

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks to all of your replies,Paula I too cheated one time yrs ago and never cheated again ,but not with this guy I'm with now I've never cheated,his cheating started on Facebook,the woman pursued my bf and it went from there to calling each other on phones to meeting each other and yes I have days where I slap him with as many ?s as I can and I even tell him exactly what she is and he was too,I know this ain't getting me nowhere I've read aost on here where they said to be still and listen and be kind to the a,we have considered marriage in past but I've been told and read to not marry an addict.so now what ?????i feel like I'm not doing nothing but staying in a relationship that's going absolutely nowhere,I love him to the moon and back and he does me too.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe you know what to do. Your actions will depend on the kind of life you will allow yourself to have. Clarity and recovery will come through face to face meetings and sponsorship. In support.

blessed · Senior Member

I understand what Temple said. My A's family of origin has always come before me. Any problem I had w/them (started by them) were because of me and he would never defend me to them, even when they were causing the problems. Whether I had problems w/ people or in;laws or even kids my AH always said, "It it your relationship, you have to deal w/ it." I naivly believed that your husband would defend you in such situation. How wrong I was. I think he enjoyed us being at odds as we didn't talk so his drinking was not discussed. They drink so it is no big deal for them. I am a 100% non drinker, and was told my AH was before we married. Then I learned, they lie. :)

TV has been a mistress to him as well. No, they are not necessarily physical, but they are more important. And honestly, I do not know if my A has cheated or not, and quite frankly don't care at this point. But, I do not know how it feels as I have not faced this head on. I know it has to be painful for them to love another in a way that only a spouse should give. I would pray for the woman as she has no idea what she is getting into.

But, I do want to send you a ((((hug))) and remind you of who you are; and your A's behaviors do not define you. You are special and unique and your HP loves you so much and only wants what is good and best for you. Embrace that and rebuke anything that says otherwise. Call it what it is, a lie. When I hear something that contradicts what my HP says about me I say, "Get behind me satan" and I march forward.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

When I feel fear like this, I think right whats the worst that could happen? Ultimately, the relationship could end. Its not a happy time but is it the worst of times? You will continue to survive, you may even emerge stronger, happier, wiser than before. Relationships break up every day, I think it may be part of being alive and human. Its an experience that most people have and they cope. Sometimes the fear of aomething is worse than it actually happening.

In my eyes you are worth more than your bf has been able to give you, you cant base your own happiness on another persons behaviour or actions, its a tough lesson but freedom is when you make your own happiness. Let him go, hes going to cheat or not, dont let it ruin your life.x

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My SO and I both had affairs but we both ended back with each other. Never happened again.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have loved people more than I can describe, but that doesn't mean it was a healthy relationship or good for me. In fact the intensity is often greater when you can't trust them and the relationship is full of drama and turmoil. It feels so overwhelming. But the passion and the love don't make it good. They just make it addictive.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I loved someone deeply. I know he also loved me. There was a lot of chemistry. What there wasn't was drama. We laughed together. We cried together. We played and prayed together. We kept each other's confidences and told each other the truth about everything. I trusted him to be who he said he was. He trusted me to be the same. Neither of us ever betrayed or hurt the other. We could count on each other's friendship and emotional support. On occasion, we had a misunderstanding. We talked it through. Then, I had to let him go and I did. He went on and married another person. I remained single. But - 20 years later, I still know that he and I would be there for the other if necessary. He wanted something I didn't want. I wanted to work in a field that didn't appeal to him. Both of us received what we both needed and wanted for our lives. He's happy now. I'm also happy. This kind of relationship to me is a relationship with love at the center. The drama, fights, betrayals are not normal in healthy relationships. Each person just lives his or her life and share life in some areas, too. Once I had a taste of a really good, healthy and loving relationship, I knew the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship. I like healthy so much better than drama. So will you if you continue to focus on you, determine what hurts and decide to let that go and what heals and determine to keep doing more of the same with the help of your HP and Al-Anon program.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

That sounds lovely grateful, ive never had a healthy relationship like that but I know I want it to look like that. X

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you experience a loving relationship like that, too, el cee. I was with him when his son died at 18 after sniffing butane. He was with me when my son was hit by the car and ended up in a coma and with brain damage. Neither of us knew when we met each other what life would hold for our children or for us but what we both knew was that there was something really good between us and neither of us wanted anything but the best for ourselves and each other. He taught me I was capable of loving somebody unconditionally and letting them go when I saw what they wanted and truly needed was something I couldn't really give - more children. Although he supported the work I did, he could see that it wasn't a life that he'd be at home in or comfortable with me being at home in it. There is still chemistry between us but it has more to do with agape love than any other type. I've experienced different types of love in my life and I have to say that agape has been the most thrilling and the most satisfying for me. There isn't any ego in it. You are such an honest person that it could very well happen that you will experience this in your lifetime, el cee.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

(((elcee))) (((grateful)))

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

and I will throw me in the mix (((Paula))) and everyone else (((MIP)))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

aww

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.