The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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level.
It was supposed to be a fun family gathering, a meal to get together and catch up on things. It started out fine until everyone drank too much and got into a heated discussion. i usally don't go to social events with my AH but decided to go because my daughter and son-in-law were going to be there. This discussion lasted several hours and had my daughter crying and my AH insulted my son-in-law. What a drunken mess. I couldn't leave because I didn't have a vehicle and it was too far to walk home. I was the only sober one there. On the way home my son-in-law drove and I thought he was going crash the vehicle, going too fast and taking the corners wildly. I should have asked to get out of the vehicle but I don't know if they would have let me out. When we got home I had a very hard time sleeping, and woke up exhausted. About noon I crawled back into bed and stayed there for the rest of the day. My muscles ached from being so tense and I couldn't help but cry. My AH knew he had screwed up and tried to make it up by doing household chores all day and I could have cared less. He then proceeded to get drunk and has now peed in my laundry hamper. What a mess. I just feel numb. I had made the boundary recently that if my husband drank on the weekends I was going to leave but I didn't do it because it involved my children and I didn't want them to feel guilty. I have been coming to Alanon and didn't say anything today because I know I can't change his behavior and talking doesn't help. But I have anger and frustration and felt the need to talk about it here where people understand. I worry about my daughter following in her father's footsteps with her drinking. She so wants to please her father in everyway and I know she never will because he's a control freak and no matter what anyone does he's not happy. I've tried that for years. I feel like packing my bags tonight but I have nowhere to go.
(((((Slowlearner))))), I can relate to your feelings of exhaustion. I've done that and it normally happens to me when I make a boundary and don't keep it or when there has been some crisis that is outside of my control. I feel as though I've let myself down, which is silly I know. It might be that I made a boundary that I wasn't yet ready to deliver on from my side, and I now tell myself that it is absolutely ok. I had to learn to forgive myself because the alternative was that my mind would go into overdrive thinking 'I should' and 'what if.' and 'why me.' I still do it, Lordy, I'm doing it this week. It is exhausting and it makes me unwell. I'm glad you had a cry, those tears are good for releasing tension.
The steps that I take when I feel like this are to rest, make a nice cool drink (or hot drink, depending on the weather), chocolate if I want it, a good book, and/or a phone call to friends. You get the picture - anything nice and comforting. I love reading, so reading usually helps me rest as well. And a nice wildlife programme on tv. Sometimes I look up cottages to rent in places that I would like to visit and imagine myself on holiday there for a few weeks. Remember good times and good people in your life if you can. It is exhausting living with someone who is never happy.
It is exhausting being angry and frustrated. I'm in a similar spot to you this week, but I believe that this mood will pass. There is more to life methinks! And we are worth it!
(((Slow learner)) That was indeed an unsettling time and I am so glad had the courage and honesty to come here and share. You are making great strides in program and it is progress not perfection that counts in the long run.
Sharing, connecting, knowing how we feel on issues, being honest, open and willing (HOW the program works) helps us to grow and make the difficult decisions.
I am happy you rested and took care of yourself . The best you can do for your family is to continue to attend alanon meetings and get healthy yourself. Keep on taking care of you.
I am so glad you got home safely and had a bed to crawl into to get the rest you needed after that horrible experience. What comes to me is that you did the best you could do with what you had to work with at the time and walking home just wasn't an option. Remember, we are a progress not perfection program. If you set a boundary you weren't ready to follow through on, how would you have known that until you saw you couldn't follow through? Next time you set a boundary you might do it differently and be able to follow through on it, too. The boundaries are for us and not for the people we set them with at the time. If the boundary we are mentally setting doesn't fit for us, we can always change them to something that will.
Many prayers for your family and for you. I can relate to your fears for your daughter and like our A spouses, we simply have no power to stop this disease in our kids. We can pray for them. We can love them as they are. We can up our meetings and our connection to others in the fellowship and we can encourage and understand ourselves as we slowly learn and apply the program's principles being grateful for each small step we take that is progress. You made a boundary. That's progress. You didn't engage in the argument from what I've read here in your share. That's progress. You didn't attempt to walk home alone a long distance which might have been more dangerous for you than getting in the car with your alcohol fueled son-in-law. That's progress. You came and shared with us. That's progress. Seems to me you have a lot to celebrate about you today. (((S)))
All that happened, happened. When you are feeling renewed, you can review the experience from a different perspective and perhaps see some different options if and when a repeat opportunity occurs. When faced with choices and having an inkling as to how the events may progress, based on history, I ask myself "what might this cost me if I choose to participate"?
I had a choice last evening to make about a graduation party. I love getting together with my family. Some don't drink and others do, quite heavily. The grad party was at a cousins home, lovely people and heavy drinkers. I had helped a friend with an estate sale since Thursday, so I was sort of fried from the diverse personalities (I get lots of practice in saying "no"). Under different circumstances, I would have attended the grad party, had a great time, and left without any angst. However, being in my current state of overload, I knew the grad part would have sent me to a corner sucking my thumb. So, I chose to stay home, enjoy a delicious dinner my hubby cooked and hang out with the cats and T-Rex.
As we progress in the program, we know ourselves in a way that helps us make the best decisions for us and be mighty fine with those choices (((hugs)))
So sorry about the arguing. My AH drives like that even when he is sober. It isn't fun. Glad you are safe. I am going to be direct in my response about him peeing in your hamper. I couldn't handle that. My AH never did that...but he did pee his pants once. Anyway, I would feel like taking all those clothes out of that hamper and putting them on his face. I know we aren't supposed to do things like that. How disgusting that he did that. Maybe he needs to live in a dog house if he is acting like a dog. It's really sad. At least save them and make him wash them. I am speechless. Do you have any kids that live at home? It's easier to leave when there aren't young kids at home. Sounds like your daughter has her hands full with her husband.
Remember that A's are the ones who you can find holding a drink and they'll say, "It's not mine, a stranger put it there." They can deny anything. Whether they believe it or not, who knows? We know the truth anyway.
It sounds as if you are in the place where you don't want to live like this any more. Who could blame you? It is Crazytown. I know that feeling of urgency. It's like one day we wake up and realize we're living in an insane asylum. Except the insane folks are running the show!
But it's rarely easy to disentangle our lives instantly. It sounds to me as if it might be a good idea to figure out how you would leave and separate, if that keeps seeming like a positive step. If you knew you were going to move out in six months, what steps would you take now to get ready? How would you support yourself, find a place to live, etc.? After all, if your A were hit by a bus and sadly killed tomorrow, you'd find a way to move forward and take care of yourself. So maybe it would be helpful to get those things in place. Then you're free to stay or to leave, as the situation develops. Because Crazytown can make us crazy too ... and no wonder!
I agree. I know I need to keep working on myself and to practice detachment and to set up a plan. I had just had my fill and I had a hard time handling it emotionally. I needed to practice the serenity prayer and get peaceful. I see that now. I talked to some wise people today and they encouraged me to practice the steps especially that my life has become unmanageable and to find a sponsor. Which I intend to do. I thank God that I found this site as I know I can come here and it grounds me. I can find people who understand which is awesome.
(((hugs)))