The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here I sit tonight my AH left at 10:30 to go " get drunk". Our adult son confronted him tonight in front of me. He wanted to know if his Dad is still seeing the other woman. My AH got very angry after this. We went to dinner and he could hardly eat. I tried to talk to him but he keeps saying he doesn't know how he feels. Does he stay with me and keep our life or ditch me and start a new life..( 40 years married.)
I can't answer those questions. His response is to drink the pain away. I have been trying to detach from him but I'm so dependent on his mood swings. I'm reading the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Someone recommended it to me from this forum. I agree with much of what she is saying. It is just so hard to separate the alcohol and this woman. I feel they are connected and if one would stop the other would too.
There is a lot of power being with the unsure...us that power to sit with other recovering members of Al-Anon and with an open mind listen to what is shared. Like you are doing with Melody's book listen for the similarities not the differences between shares...The similarities will wake you up as they did me and then I could look for solutions.
Keep coming back...this is family. Make sure you know where the AFG meetings are and when and if you're not already attending call the hotline number from the white pages of your local telephone book to find out where and when we get together in your area. (((((hugs)))))
The alcohol and the woman are the same thing, an escape. He will ditch her just like he does his empty bottles once the high is over. I am sorry you are going through this, with any man drunk or sober I find best way to handle it is to start focusing on YOU, in whatever possible way you can. Even if it is just getting your hair and nails done. You need to feel better yesterday . how HORRIBLE to feel as though your man is cheating on you.
I like the book you are reading , I read that one years ago but it brought me some peace. Reading a book is a great idea, that is good you are doing that for yourself. You can't do anything to change your husband and what he's doing. When you chase something, it only runs away from you. Suggest pulling back way back.and focus on you and some meetings. No matter what happens with him you will be ok.
I hope you find some happiness and peace in your heart. Hugs
Forgive me if I am not remembering the details of prior posts. Sometimes I can be too direct...I do not mean to offend. It appears as though you are blaming the other woman for the issues in your marriage. Both you and your husband are active in your addictions...he in the alcoholism and you in codependency and there are no signs of active recovery in either of you. You only have control over your addiction and face to face meetings with sponsorship are essential for your recovery. Your marriage may or may not stay intact, but you will have a chance to feel loved, valued and completely worthwhile. You will see the lovely woman that we see and love, who deserves nourishing partnerships. Don't ever settle for anyone's crumbs, which is what is happening right now in your marriage. I am giving you the biggest hug I can muster (((hug))).
Ellen,
Learning to keep the focus on yourself, your wants, needs and principles will help you to distinguish the next right action for you and your family. We have choices and learning to live life on life's terms can be frightening but also freeing at the same time.
As Paula suggests: Meetings, Steps and an alanon Sponsor all help in the process,
Thank you everyone. I don't feel like I am blaming other woman. I know I am at fault in this mess as well. I contributed to the dysfunction.
I am trying to focus on me.. Small steps.. I am trying to continue my plans that I have set forth for remodeling my kitchen. I am caring for basic needs even though I am not really eating much these days.. No appatite ...
Small steps. Trying to let go. Giving a timeline but afraid I am pushing it.
Each small step takes you that much closer to whatever goals you set for yourself now. Remodeling your kitchen is a worthy goal as is caring for your basic needs one day at a time. Let your mess become your message is a wonderful suggestion that many of us have honored though we might not have known it at the time. You're certainly not alone now and you won't be alone as each day you write out a gratitude and assets list, pray the Serenity Prayer, eat when you're hungry, sleep when you're tired, and cry when you're feeling said or overwhelmed.
