The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had no intention of saying anything. I've been to a f to f meeting, read the alanon books each day, praying to HP. Today when my partner says, you don't believe her (A stepdaughter), I said no. She's an A. My partner just stopped talking. I said only As buy vodka to clean a couch. This is a dry state and you have to go to a liquor store to buy alcohol. Stepdaughter went into detail how to clean with vodka. She needs wine for cooking, but rarely cooks. My partner believes everything she says, because she has to "support" her, even if she said she went to the moon and back. At the f to f meeting I like the 3 c's they used, Didn't cause, can't control and can't change. At least she is backing off breastfeeding. I think all I have done is caused my partner to be more protective of her. We are supposed to move 5 hours away next year when we retire. The stepdaughter says "I will visit often". :( When we were in counseling, counselor asked her to leave Sunday open for me. Don't contact the daughter, etc. They talk at least once daily. My partner couldn't even do that. I'm not sure if I should try to get my partner to come to alanon meetings, or save them for myself. Partner had A sister that was mean, so I think she only sees "alcoholic" if they are mean. Will my partner ever be able to let her grow up?
If your partner believes it is important for her to support her daughter, she will do that no matter what anyone says or does. If you are going to Al-Anon meetings there might come a day when your partner will want to do that, too? My son is an A. I knew that and I had been in Al-Anon for quite some time before the disease became full blown in him. I still had to do what I thought best in relationship to him until I knew I had done my best and then moved into a different way of relating with him. A mother is tied to her children in ways people don't always understand and don't always agree with and yet we do what we can with what we have to work with until we want to make a change. I can get upset with my son's behavior and I will immediately defend him if I believe someone is criticizing him. Maybe there are other mothers who won't do that, but I am one of them who will. My suggestion is to continue the Al-Anon meetings for yourself if you've already talked over your thoughts and feelings with your partner and she has only become more protective of her daughter. I've learned that if I push a subject - even if I speak the truth and 100 people agree with me - the person I'm hoping will see things my way just stays polarized in their own position and no shift can occur.
My partner says I'm too judgmental. I criticize too much (but it's ok for the daughter to criticize-not that I want to be on her level) I am just jumping back into alanon and I do recognize this. Just like an addiction, I backslide when I don't attend meetings. But how do you support someone that says "how do you know she doesn't use the vodka for cleaning"? Even when actually caught in a lie, my partner still believes the daughter. My partner says she will never go to alanon. I've had 3 kids, one died at 11 from heart issues, one died at 18 in hiking accident. I have one child, he is now 33. I have never believed everything he has said. Maybe I'm just jealous. My A mom couldn't give my any support while growing up. I started babysitting out of the house every weeknight when I was 10, arranged by my parents.. It did make me more independent. I need to work on control. So many of my own issues, and I struggle with the stepdaughter. Maybe I need to walk away for a bit and just work on me.
And yet - had you not written it out before you read it - would you have seen the message that was in it for you? I do believe we're all right on schedule whether we are aware of that or not. I'm not meaning we don't need to make adjustments or changes that are loving for us. I think you wrote all sorts of answers to your own questions in your response. I loved it!
My AH's choice is vodka. Well, recently I learned to make homemade vanilla extract requires vodka. Great! I am not going to a liquor store period, so what to do? I a friend made me some instead, and gave me a bottle. Then, this is funny now, not then. A few days later I notice half of this LARGE container of vanilla extract (aka vodka) is gone. OMG, are you kidding me? Well, I thought I better ask my son if he used vanilla on anything. He had, on oatmeal. I asked how much and he said, "Oh, about half the container."
LOL! I said, "Are you okay, that is made out of vodka?" He freaked as he has vowed to never drink alcohol. But, then I explained it is a condiment and to be used sparingly, and just needs a tspn.
Last year, we learned how to make homemade lawn fertizlizer. Well, this required beer. Great! So, me and my son go to the grocer where he works and bought a few cases of the cheapest beer we could find (hoping not to be seen) and came home and made up our concoction & sprayed it on the lawn. Then I didn't want to recycle the cans because they might be seen in the recycle bins, so I put them in bags and put them in the garbage. Oh, the things we do. tee hee. In case you are wondering, I couldn't tell a difference, so that was our first and last homemade lawn fertilizer. And not to get off of AlAnon too much, but Straght vinegar works well to kill garden weeds; don't spray on plants. :)
So, there is some Helpful Hints for you to ponder. Have a wonderful day.
