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Post Info TOPIC: Why would I want someone like this back?


Veteran Member

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Why would I want someone like this back?


I maybe the sick one in this. After years of living in insanity with AH and verbal abuses, I finally moved out. Then came the revelation of him staying at a shady part of town for a night. I am still worried about him and feels that I can forgive all thesewhen  he is in recovery. Why would I even think that?? Focus on myself and not get ahead. 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Dear Sunshine, living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely confusing and unsettling. Loving a partner who has this disease, we are often conflicted and confused as to what we are feeling and why.

Grieving the loss of a relationship, grieving the loss of a lifestyle and establishing a new life takes time and energy and is difficult. Al-Anon face-to-face meetings, working the steps with the sponsor, daily meditation and spiritual readings will all help to keep you focused on yourself.

Accepting whatever feelings come along, owning them, sharing them helps to clarify our situation. Please keep coming back, sharing and owning your humanity is how we heal . You are not alone and prayers for certain serenity, courage, and wisdom never go unanswered.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
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I believe we want so much to have the person we fell in love with, back again. It's hard to face that they are no longer that person. They look the same but are not that person.

Just becuz we cannot live with someone does not mean we do not love them!

As far as recovery, they usually relapse. The whole cycle of aism is part of them.

That is why we learn to detach, love the person but do not judge or blame them. Sadly as time goes on the disease gets so bad, we just cannot take it anymore.

Its horrible to lose our dreams, our mate. lotsa hugs!



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon

PP


~*Service Worker*~

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You can think and feel this because you are human.  However, it does not mean that any action needs to be taken on those thoughts or feelings that will cause you harm.  Keep coming back here and staying true to your recovery.smile



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 7576
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I, too, worried about my x when we were first separated but none of what I was afraid would happen did happen.

As others said here, it takes time and energy to create a new life for ourselves and although we can no longer live with an active A we can still care about them and what happens to them. The difficulty for me came in not realizing that I was still outer focused on him and also on my children but not on me. Even my initial decision to separate from him came more from my concern that he'd abuse the children as he had been abusing me. The worry developed in me as a direct result of living with a person with erratic behavior and never knowing what was going to happen next and it was never positive. Living in "what ifs" had also developed as a direct result of living with chronic alcoholism, drug addiction and abuse. I could see what was happening to him. I could feel how little my children were receiving what I really wanted them to have or to experience in our household. What I couldn't see or feel was how badly I was in need of my concern, compassion and self-love.

Little by little, I learned to drop my worry and concern for him and use that energy to make sure I started doing more of what I loved and needed to do for me and for my children. The more I focused on me and on my children, the happier and healthier I became. I kept seeing myself as the strong one in our situation but the truth was that even though I was strong, I needed help to heal some of the wounds that came before I married him, during our marriage and following it, too. When I realized how badly I was hurting and didn't really know how to heal those hurts on my own, my HP would open doors for me that I would walk through into increasing abundant life and further away from him.

You have chosen to say "yes" to a new life and "no" to the familiar pain of an old one. There is that in between place as one door closes and the other one opens. Good that you came on the board and shared with us. We are part of your in between place. My x also lived in shady parts of town. He wanted to use the bulk of his money on partying - not on living. That was his choice. I wanted better for me and my kids. Sounds like you do, too, Sunshine?

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5075
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I think this is normal sunshine. We were addicted to the alcoholic so when your trying to free yourself from any addiction the cravings come from time to time. I have been apart from my ex for a few years and completely over for almost 2 years and lately I got one of those cravings, my mind started to tell me how lovely it would be 2 people in recovery, imagine what they could do, blah blah. Then, through my son, I was in his company for 1.5 seconds and I heard his illness, his thinking disease. I cant stand the way he views the world. He would take me down in no time. Hes like poison to me, he would infect my life with black and its taken me time to wear pink, red, white, you know. Its your mind playing tricks on you, your freedom is like gold, dont let it go for the fantasy.x

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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 71
Date:

What hotrod said. I left A#1 and I thought all I would have to do was leave, and I'd be over it. I was wrong. I still am haunted by this disease, I'm still doing the autopsy of our relationship in my head four years later. I am now with A#2 because I didn't get help about A#1 when I should have. I'm sorry you are going through this. As far as your A goes try to accept that it will be hard, you will have good days and bad days but with time, you will be ok. If you are worried about him, don't do a thing just try to talk to your HP if you have one. Or write in a diary, that can help too. Hugs

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