AS - drink and mental health - Al-Anon Family Group

MCALANON · Veteran Member

AS - drink and mental health

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, My husband was just as you describe. He found sobriety after several rehabs and then finally continued attendance at AA meetings There is hope.

I found sanity and much needed support in alanon. Please keep coming back. You are worth it.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

None of that leads them to drink. They drink becuz they are an addict, born with the genes to be an addict.

It is not curable, its something they and their loved ones will have to face forever.

This is why we say take your own inventory, stay on your side of the street.

Love them as is, learn skills or not. Al Anon has taught me to just love them as is, their illness is not mine to have anything to do with.

I am sooo much happier becuz I was taught that.

Don't know what you mean overcome alcoholism? In the 12 steps first is realizing we have no power over it. Many people have anxiety all their lives for various reasons, genetics, depression, illness,symptom of a disease, life is hard!

It is totally up to them to get help. NO one can help them but them.

I know I have seen people who get into their true love in life and do much better. Meaning they find their passion, skiing playing music riding motorcycles, eating right, exercise. I know exercise is so important to me and mine. it really does temper anxiety.

Not using caffiene, sugar, nicotine, eating balance meals, drinking lots of fluids. focusing on positive things as best you can.

But this is all up to him.

keep coming!!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am very certain that somewhere, there are people who have overcome this. What the statistics are, I don't know, and whether that means your own A has a good chance or a bad chance, no one can know.

The thing I do know is that he can overcome these things only by wanting to and by working on them. Is he in a formal program of recovery? If so, he has a shot at it. If not, I'm afraid the example of hundreds of thousands of people suggest that he would need a formal program to have a real chance.

The question we're always faced with is: how long do we wait, and are the signs good or bad? Should we gamble on that percentage or not? Every situation is different so no one can provide the answers for someone else. (Unless there were physical abuse -- then the answer would be clear.)

I hope that you'll take good care of yourself whether you're with him or not, whether he's drinking and anxious or not. Meetings, a sponsor, a full program of recovery for yourself -- those will assure a good outcome no matter what.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

The issues your son has are typical issues for alcoholics, they are natural consequence from his own choices, to drink rather than get help. It sounds blunt and heartless but I thought like you did too, its not his fault he has extra problems, he is different from regular drinkers etc. Thinking this way kept my son a victim in his and my mind, it allowed him to stay comfortably in alcoholism with all the excuses in the world.

Having been in alanon for over 2 years I see things very differently today, my son is a bright, intelligent person who had things just the way he wanted them, he was never a poor victim, I put him in that box and he encouraged me because my enabling suited him. I suggest you try something very different, what have you got to loose? Have your current efforts paid off? Try seeing him differently, like a cunning and resourceful human being, stop the pity party, treat him with courtesy and respect but dont do a thing to make life easier for him while hes drinking. I saw a huge difference, things are much better, I have a life of my own now and so does my son by the looks of things.x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes...I am that person. I absolutely meet that description. I came into AA at 36 just as you describe your son. Full force 7 day a week AA with sponsor, steps...all of it worked. AA plus counseling changed me. Anxiety is totally treated. I don't suffer. Esteem is MUCH better. It can happen. He has to work for it and dig deep.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

PS - I am 42 now...it took a couple years solid sobriety to really change.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

The hope you are seeking does come the more we work our program and entrust our loved ones into the hands of their HP. As much as we want to heal and assist our adult children, the truth is we really can't do it. The best help we can give them is to work the program for ourselves and make the changes necessary for us to live life on life's terms while learning how to accept them as they are and not as we would like them to be. While it is true that our loved ones can die due to this disease it is also true that they can get help for it and live. The outcome of their choices and the consequences for those choices are in their hands. That is true for us as well. Even though they are our children, we really can't see into their hearts and minds to decide what contributes to their alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. Only their HP can do that. We can't even see into our own at times but Al-Anon and our HP can help us do that as we focus more on ourselves and the ways the disease has affected us and learn the tools that help us grow and let go. I once saw my son as a problem to be solved. I didn't know that at the time but I did. Now I see him as a person who is a mystery to me in many ways. I can't solve the problems that he has. That's his job. I can't know what is best for him because that's not my job either. That's his HP's job. I can get up every day, make a gratitude and assets list, check in with my sponsor, pray for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry it out and learn to live my life as honestly, serenely and consciously as I can and let my son do what he is going to do without my interference.

MCALANON · Veteran Member

as an update and request for insight from other's experience. The bad thing is we had a showdown 2 weeks ago because, when he was drinking, we promised to help clear his debts if he started addressing the drink. A bad move but we're still learning. I have no evidence he is drinking as was obvious to all in family before (tho of course he might be). Which might be a good thing. But we said we'd changed our minds re helping with the debt. He was angry - saying we'd reneged on the promise. We said we'd reasons (eg he did continue for a while after we promised and he needed to own his problems plus he had shown some ability to move on recently re not drinking). We left as not happy with his anger re this 'change of mind'. My wife and I discussed, rightly or wrongly, we then said we'd give the promised money - my wife (step Mum) does not like him or trust him but said she did think we'd reneged. So I agreed. So we paid the money c 1 week ago but said never again. and added that he needed to sort out all his issues including his stress/depression. He thanked us and said he hoped we could be ok at some point. He said he knew that the drink was only one issue and he needed to sort out his mental and other issues. I didn't respond other than saying don't discuss with us as we can't help. get help elsewhere. I did say I loved him.

I've avoided him since. In truth, I am angry re the last year. Info via his ex is he was recently on 'good form' but today she says he's been very down (tho she's seen no evidence of drinking - of course he might have secretly). I instantly felt sick/worried again. He mistakenly sent a message to me saying he was feeling low. I replied I assumed he was drunk. He responded 'assume away, I am not drinking, just been out with (ex and daughter) shopping'. I didn't reply. His ex says his downer was the day after.

My Question

should I text/call him just to say I hope he's doing ok? and to say we are going away for a week.

If he replies that he has problems my plan would be to say I'm sorry he is, that I love him but he needs to see Doc etc as we can't help.

what do people think?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It helps me to look at my motives for doing something. If my motives are to take care of myself or to express myself because its the right thing for me to do for me, then I do it. If my motives for doing something are to take care of my adult child ie to fix, change or make him feel a certain way, I don't do it. I learned it doesn't matter what I say or don't say to my AS because he will put his own spin on it no matter what. If I'm feeling angry, then I'm not going to contact him at all because I need to tend to my anger first. Telling him I love him or I'm concerned about him when I'm seething inside to me is play-acting. I can express my anger if I choose to do so but in most cases I don't because I'm generally acting out of fear and not love. It's more helpful to me to feel my anger, identify its source, change what I can and work on accepting that my son's behavior isn't going to change unless he wants to change it. I quit giving my son money awhile ago. Using it as a bartering chip or as a reward for healthy behavior kept me stuck in old parent/child behavior. I might treat him to a meal when he isn't using or get him something I know he'll like, but it is because I want to do it and it feels right to me to do it. There is no condition to the giving. I realized when I was trying to help him earn money by working at my home or in my yard, he liked it on the surface but deep down he resented being dependent on me. Once I saw that, I also stopped helping him earn money.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Prior to AA, I only called my parents when I needed stuff or wanted pity. I was a crappy son and have tried to make amends for it since. It didn't even occur to me how much my problems did not need to be their business and how much I was manipulating them into enabling me.

It took me over a year into sobriety to even learn to ask my parents "How are you?" and to listen without just spouting off my own bullcrap, neediness, and sob story. It took me even longer to understand that all my parents wanted was for me to be happy and to try my hardest at things and I was literally torturing them with my drinking, depression, and constantly playing victim to both those things (and everything else). I now try and tell my parents about what I am doing, what is good, what I like...What I hope for. It was so selfish and disease-ridden the way I treated them and interacted with them before. Sounds very similar to what you have going on with your son.

I like that you are setting boundaries. I like that you tell him you love him but don't want to hear his sob stories. I would only suggest the boundary of telling him you are fine with hearing about hardships, but only when they also include some plan of action to solve his problems or get help. Complaining magnifies problems. I didn't know that before, so when my parents bought into that, they were not helping me. I would have been better off hearing "Sounds bad. What are you going to do to improve your situation? I believe in you." That is essentially what I got from my sponsor in AA until I learned to stop being such a negative, complaining, whiny manchild.

blessed · Senior Member

Thank you Debilynn. That is probably the one thing that made me decide to leave. There is no cure. I just cannot live here knowing that this will never change. There is a small bit that thinks, wow, if you wife and son were packing their bags; wouldn't that triggers something in me to want to keep them here? Cry? Beg? Plead? Nothing. Just more, "it doesn't have to be this way; all you have to do is change and this would all go away." That is one of about ten talking points that he regurgitates on a regular basis. They lost their meaning years ago. Nothing but pride, and arrogance, and blame. He has sucked me dry; there is nothing left to give.

I could be married and alone, or I can be alone and alone. I choose alone and alone.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My son is 37 and has all the same problems that your son has. He has been drinking most of the adult life and I believe that is why the depression and anxiety. Now that he is stable in prison ( due to his drinking ) for the next 2 years I can only pray he will come to realize his anxiety and depression can stop and get a hold of his life.

I have to let go no matter what and let my son grow up and give him the dignity to make his own choices good or bad.

((( hugs )))

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Wednesday 13th of August 2014 09:34:08 AM

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