I feel fear for you, Blessed.

I kinda have PP's concern also...this is now personal stuff the he against you against him stuff...the principles we talk about instead of personalities are so strong at keeping love in the mix.  "Love is the complete and total acceptance for every others human being for exactly who they are"...giving away an Al-Anon lesson.   Keep coming back.  ((((hugs))))

The one thing that makes me know it is more than alcohol is the simple fact that he acts one way at work and in public and another way at home. If I have an illness: mental or physical, I have it all the time. So, if a person can turn off/on behaviors they are aware of what they are doing. If he was just a person taken over by alcohol I would think that they would be taken over all time, not just at home. He maintains a high levl job w/ a lot of responsibility, so I don't think you can fake that year after year. He even fakes his way through his treatment recovery group and counselor telling them what they want to hear. 

It is that one thing that has affirms to me that he is choosing not to address his drinking problem, choosing not to do his part in repairing this marriage or be a part of a couple. etc. etc. etc.

I can accept that he doesn't love me, or even like me. What is that saying, "He's just not that into you." I can accept that. But, I will not continue to be beaten up (emotionally) day after day after day. If I do, then I am insane.

I am finsished and I am not desperate. I have taken is slow giving it every opportunity to change (in me and in him). The place I am moving is in another state, but I can go to a hotel if I need to.

I won't go into the many things over the weekend that affirmed that I know I have to leave. In three weeks we are to drive my son to college (in another state). We were going to take two vehicles and leaving one vehicle w/ my son and drive one back. He does not want to be in the vehicle, alone w/ me, on the way home so I am going to drop my car at the airport on my end, and my son & I will drive his car down and I will fly back. He "offered" to go alone w/ my son. UH, NO! My son would hate that as he is as done as I am, and I am going to see my son to college. If he can't sit in a car with me for a day, we have no business being married. I can't drive a long time before getting tired and needing a break, so me taking the second car is not good, as it would take me 2-3 days to get home. 

Now, I have to be patient during the separation process. My atty has not replied to my email, and I think I remember his asst. tellng me he was going to be out a few days when I requested a meeting, and she told me it would be best to email; but this week has been a whirlwind and the days have kind of merged together. 

Thank you for letting me put my thoughts in order, or not. lol! But, it helps to write it down. 

My x was the same. People outside our marriage thought he was delightful, easy going, fun and according to his brother at his memorial service - wouldn't hurt a soul. He was never in trouble at work and never got a DUI though drove smoked up on weed all the time and drank on weekends at the bar after he got his paycheck. They didn't live with the person who hid food from me, jumped out of chairs with apple corers aimed at my throat, or hit me while I was sleeping. I sat in a pew at the church at his Memorial service with my daughter, his second wife and their daughter, his first real girlfriend after our divorce. All of us looked at each other with raised eyebrows and a small grin on our faces when his brother got to the part that he wouldn't hurt anybody. We all knew he would and that he did and he knew that he did. He was sick. I'll agree with that. But, he didn't go off the deep end with anybody except us. He was a coward who bullied women. There were parts of him that I loved and saw that others did not see. But, that mean, mean, mean part of him he didn't reveal to many on the outside. It wasn't revealed to me until after we were married. With or without drugs and alcohol, I'm not sure that part of him wasn't there and would have been there anyway. Regardless, I knew I couldn't live with him anymore and acted on what I knew to be true for me. By that time, I didn't care what was true for him anymore. I didn't owe him anything and he didn't owe me anything either. I cut my losses as you are doing and moved on. There was no way my HP wanted me in that nightmare any longer.   Good that you are going to fly. I'd be concerned for you being in a car alone with him, too.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 26th of July 2014 08:08:47 AM

It is the consensus of my closest friends and son to get out safely, and quickly. I wanted to be absolutely sure before I left, because I am not coming & going. If I leave, it is for good; no looking back. I know it is time, and am ready to go faster than the process is working, so PATIENCE is in order. The AH is doing more things to comfirm my decision, and my bff is reminding me of some simple truths.

Is it more fearful to stay, or move on?  That is huge? 

It is better to be alone and lonely, or be married and lonely?   Hmmm, that is powerful. 

Even when I get mad at those who should be helping me, I have to let it go. If they believe a liar, they believe a liar. That is out of my control.

I went to our local park (it is huge) and I sat on a bench by the lake and ducks, and just cried. Then I saw a cell phone left on the bench next to me. No one was around. I knew I was honest so I picked it up and asked some people in eye view if they lost their phone. Nope. So, then I tried to find the "office". Well, that was not easy. It turned into quite the job to do the right thing. lol!  I hope the owner & phone are reunited. It stinks to lose your phone. I am glad there was a distraction in my pity party. I have always heard that if you are sad or feeling down go help someone; that usually gets you out of that slump. It worked for me today. :)

Thank you all for letting me cry at my own party. Now, it is time to get up and be a grown up. Just got to get the atty typing that order. When I am ready to go; I am ready to go. But, I know it is not smart to move faster than God, and I will be mindful if I am in front of Him, or following Him. 

I did come to think today, I don't wish him any harm, and don't hope he falls apart or loses his job, or whatever. That would not make me feel better. I m kind of just neutral right now. Don't love him; don't like him; don't hate him. But, it is not about him right now. It is about me. I have to do what is right for me.