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Post Info TOPIC: Husband's txt message..


Senior Member

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Husband's txt message..


After our last argument when my husband was playing "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde", I tried to take him to an AA meeting but the meeting was canceled. After this we haven't spoken about the situation and things were quiet. He obviously never attempted to go to other meeting by himself.

Tonight he wanted to talk. Asked me if he could ask me a few questions.

I was relaxing but quickly got busy, and told him that it wasn't time to talk as daughter was still awake and I am never sure where the talks will take us to. Also said that he had been drinking and I would rather talk to him when he is 'sober', this is a boundary that I had broken last time and regretted.

He seemed to understand but after few minutes sent me the following txt:

""It is easy for me to see that all the respect you had for me in the past is now not present. But for just how long has it been a fact? Can I really make things better?? After so long you resenting me??""

 

So I haven't replied yet, I don't need to do it now. But for me to reply anything at all, I would have to mention his drinking and AA and I just don't have energy to do it again. At least not right now.

Is he trying to trip me / make me feel guilty?

He is not taking any responsibility and I feel accused. As though I am unhappy just for the sake of it, after all he isn't doing nothing wrong.

Las time we talked he said he didn't have a drinking problem because:

- he doesn't drink to get drunk...  (???)

- he never drinks before lunch time

- every one his age drinks    (????)

- nobody is perfect

- everyone has their poison...

etc etc etc

denial denial denial.

 



-- Edited by Luiza on Thursday 24th of July 2014 04:54:01 PM

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.



~*Service Worker*~

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I have learned a lot since coming to Al-anon and one was never to repeat again anything that has been said many times before. I now can stop, check my motives before I say a thing. Most of the time it comes down to my signature below.

(((( hugs ))))


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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 


Senior Member

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Good one Cathy, thanks.
I nearly replied as soon as I got the txt..that was the old me. The new me took a deep breath and decided not to do anything.
I agree with not repeating myself again...of course he heard me all the times before.
I will pray and reflect and ask my HP to show me what to say/do...but I don't think I should ignore it completely. Or maybe I should.
Since I started on Alanon I am learning to sleep "on things". I have such a better understanding in the morning!

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.



~*Service Worker*~

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My A is illiterate. So that means, we can never exchange texts or emails, it comes down to, when he is drunk enough he comes into my room to "talk".
Talk consists of him using his yukky "rah rah rah" voice and saying stupid, stupid racist, sexist, peopleist things. The he starts to moan and accuse me, "you don't love me"."It's obvious, you don't love me".
He is quite certain that he isn't a drunk either because

-he doesn't get drunk.

-he has a super-high tolerance and can drink an entire distillery full of whisky and brewery full of beer and never get drunk.

-he wasn't drunk.

If he could send me texts I think I would ignore them. They would be as important and make as much sense as the stupid thoughtless rubbish he spews out as words when he is drinking.





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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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I discovered letting it go helps the A think sometimes. ( Hey whats up with her......why am I not getting the talk ) I didn't need to explain his actions or my feelings to him...... did it way to many times

I gave my son's life back to him and I took my life back.

One good quote: Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I would say time to try something different

Why don't you read the 12 steps of Al-anon and think about them really hard. I need to do this all the time myself. It's so so easy to forget when your on that merry-go-round.

(((( hugs ))))



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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 


~*Service Worker*~

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I believe the disease wants you to answer and either way is will be an excuse to drink. Responding that it's about alcohol and he can make it better with recovery will lead to an argument and then drinking. Saying it can't get better will lead to self pity and then drinking. Maybe when he's sober he can handle hearing "I respect and love you but do not respect and love your alcoholism" But you have to walk away if that becomes a silly debate or tirade.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I would have no problem validating myself by responding that: I believe that a marriage is a partnership that needs the attention of both people for it to be a success.
I am certainly willing to work at restoring it to a supportive, loving relationship but marriage needs two people committed to a common goal.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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There's no point to talking or responding to somebody who is drinking in my experience. A lot of the time, the As in my life don't even remember they said anything or what I said. It's like talking to the wind for me. I won't respond to a text from somebody in the same home with me either. I prefer person to person when it really is person to person. An active A to me is not a person talking but a disease that doesn't need my attention and won't get it most of the time. It's a waste of my energy.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Veteran Member

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I affirm what grateful said. My AH claimed he did not remember what he had said or done. Plus when he has a drink, even a little, he is like a 10 year old that is in his self pity pit. "No body likes me, everybody hates me" mode. Then it quickly turned to wife of AH having done him wrong for so long, I have no respect for him, do not love him, kids hate him because wife poisoned them, blah blah blah. It became me being the evil one that somehow is responsible for him drinking. If I respond to this, the texts will turn to verbal abuses for hours. Even if I don't respond, it will turn nasty too as he poison his body with more alcohol but it usually ends faster. Responding is always a waste of energy and adds to the already frustrating situation.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Wow this hit me right in the middle of the compassion room...for both of you.  I find my self in the position of standing away and looking in at the whole thing.  The disease is affecting you both...He is concerned and so are you...You are frightened and so is he.  It wasn't your husband that sent the text...it was your alcoholic and you would rather speak with your husband and not your alcoholic.  You have your reasons and justifications and he does also what is the problem??...alcoholism which affects you, his wife more than he thinks it affects him your alcoholic, husband.  He says he doesn't have a drinking problem and won't be and isn't willing to actually check it out and with that I would say that he has lost the respect and is carrying resentments also.   You are the one that is and has been learning about alcoholism from a great deal of people/family who have been and are affected themselves.  Our experiences are yours and so it is pretty convincing that it is what you as a family are dealing with.

Using texting to communicate when you are both in the same house may be a way of staying connected and it also a way of showing ongoing concern about "the problem",  He sent the text and is concerned as you are.  I relate to your "when in doubt don't" justification to not respond now and to lean toward "Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean"...you are working it and it will work for you as long as your motives are right as you say.

Remember this is not a "moral issue"...this is about disease and dysfunction caused by alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholism...abuse....addiction the whole deal.   You're growing and he is not.  Sad cause you are getting healthier and he is getting sicker...hit me in my compassion room and I feel sad...thousands of miles away and yet standing right there with you both.    Like others in this family I want to scream.

The last justification "Everyone has their poison" was a statement I use to use...I am chemically tolerant as Mellie's alcoholic is and I am alcoholic and the chemical is a mind and mood and physically altering chemical...it is a poison and that is why another word for drunk is intoxicated.   He knows and still drinks.  The alcohol owns him and not the other way around.  Somedays it might be just as important to him to drink as it would be to breathe.

Prayers for you both  (((((hugs))))) for you both and your ((((daughter)))) who is being affect also.   In support.  cry



-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 24th of July 2014 08:35:57 PM

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Senior Member

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My AH love electronic conversations/ fights. I have committed to self to NOT REPLY to anything that is "relationship" related, etc. If he just texts to say something other than that, I answer in the shortnes possible way possible. 

Online conversations rarely are productive, in my experience. I have even called him to reply to the text, or waiting until I was home and said, "Would you like to discuss this in person?" 

That's just my opinion on the matter. I don't know you are your A; so you have to decide. :)

 



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Do the next right thing~

I've never regretted taking the high road. ~



~*Service Worker*~

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I would say of course i respect you, love you, do not resent you.

I disrespect the person that drinks, says and does inappropriate things.

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



Senior Member

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Love you guys

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.



~*Service Worker*~

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Same here, Luiza.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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I would reply because detaching to me is offering the a my courtesy and respect while not entering into discussions. I use statements like you could be right or sorry you feel that way. It's not about them it's about me behaving myself for me. Step 1 says im powerless over anyone so no matter the response he's going to drink.x

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~*Service Worker*~

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I don't respond to an A when they are drinking either. My AW wouldn't remember the next morning some horrible fights that we had, and she certainly seemed to have a lot of ownership of the fight when we were in the middle of it!

Talking to an A about their reasons for drinking is a waste of my energy also, so I stopped doing it. They have lots of reasons - but the real reason is because they are sick and they want to drink. End of story. Has nothing to do with my mood, their mood, our children's grades, phase of the moon, the gas bill got a late payment penalty on it, he has no friends, she has too many friends, etc etc. Keep focusing on you, and after awhile it won't matter to you "why" he drinks, and if he feels the need to explain it, he can talk to himself about it.

Kenny

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Senior Member

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He is at work, so probably not drinking, so I will txt along Debylin's suggestion:

"Of course I respect you but I disrespect the person that says and does inappropriate things"

Will leave alcohol out of it. Lets see if he can put 2 and 2 together...



__________________

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.



~*Service Worker*~

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Keep focusing on you.

I saw a text that was full of finger-pointing..... you, you, you. You don't respect me. Maybe the best answer is what LC says, "you could be right" or "sorry you feel that way".

It is not about you or respect. It is all about manipulation and pity.

Take care of yourself.

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maryjane
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