Horrible night - Al-Anon Family Group

CarlyM123 · Member

Horrible night

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi carly, im sorry your having a hard time. Its easy to see the insanity of alcoholism at times. Smashing your stuff, stealing, abusing you is unacceptable behaviour, you may not be ready yet but it would be the right thing for everyone if the proper consequences were put in place. If anyone else did this to you, what would you do? Chances are you would call the police, or you would not allow the person within a mile of you, you would want justice and for the person to get the normal, proper consequences. For some reason we make excuses for their behaviour, we beleive the sorrys and il never do it again but without the proper lessons, the logical lessons, it most likely will happen and possibly up a notch. Im sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear right now, im glad you are going to meetings, you will get stronger and you wont let yourself be treated this way.x

Luiza · Senior Member

Hi Carly I can relate to your feeling of someone treating you badly but you still hanging there and loving unconditionally. In my case, many years ago, the partner in question didn't even drink, I couldn't put a label on him, and couldn't understand, but the thought of being without him was unbearable.
He left me in the end, it was really tough for me and still is sometimes when I remember all of my lost dreams with him but ultimately it was the best for both of us.
I wish I had Alanon at that time, even though he wasn't an alcoholic, having a program would have helped me immensely.
Hugs.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

The more you work your program, including getting sponsor/attending more meetings, the quicker your feelings of crazy will subside. She is not making you crazy, you are choosing crazy over recovery. This will get worse for you until you make different choices.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

You are strong enough. You are strong enough to live with an abusive drunk, go to work and pay the bills and be self-aware and introspective enough to seek help for yourself...
You are plenty strong enough. It takes a HUGE amount of strength to do what we do when we love an A.
The good news is, you don't have to lose her, not right now, maybe not ever. You don't even have to think too much about her. She's probably not going to go anywhere. Drunks tend to hand around their most recent enabler for a long, long time.
If you can relax your grip and stop being so scared that she will leave you (which she probably wont) you can start to focus on you. If you have to work tonight, you have to work. Maybe you can get to a meeting tomorrow or the next day. In the mean time you could try using some al-anon tools?
One of my favourite al-anon tools is "pick a slogan".
Read through them, pick one that suits how you feel tonight and just repeat it to yourself, all night, whenever you feel lost. Even if it seems silly and obvious at first.

Keep It Simple

But For The Grace Of God:

Easy Does It:

First Things First:

Just For Today:

Let It Begin With Me:

Keep It Simple

How Important Is It?

Think

One Day At A Time:

Keep An Open Mind:

Live And Let Live:

Let Go And Let God:

I find these invaluable when I am obsessing and feeling awful about my A's behaviour or cruel words.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 24th of July 2014 05:00:58 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

You don't have to leave you need to detach and put all your focus on you. I was always invited to the fight but soon learned I didn't have to go with Al-anon tools. My son came to me many times and asked ME what was wrong trying to start something and I would reply nothing. I let go.... He finally came to some terms I was not going to be his enabler or abuser anymore so he could justify his actions and choices.

I love him dearly but he is going to drink or he's not....what am I going to do!

(((( hugs ))))

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not alone Carly. I can so remember feeling so very crazy that one night I hide all the knives in the house because I was afraid I would use them to kill my husband in a fit of rage. Completely irrational!!! Alanon has the answers. Use the slogans and the serenity prayer tonight and try for a meeting tomorrow

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Is she really that great sober? Sober her is still rationalize treating you like this rather than getting into recovery. Sober her is still a busted person that has to drink like that to function. The hook is that alcoholics may be very funny and charming and passionate when not wasted and that is what they use to keep you hooked so that you think there is this great person underneath the alcohol. Really there is a needy and manipulative person there with some potential to be that person you think they are sober but only if they get into recover and you have zero influence over that and it's usually easier to find healthier playmates to date and have relationships with. I don't care how hot a person is, how great sex is, how kind when sober, if they act violent around me and steal from me, it's done. Don't care if they are drunk or not.

Not encouraging you to break up but do you acknowledge there are other fish in the sea and/or that letting her go would not be the end of the world. Staying in any relationship because of codependency or "not being strong enough" as you say is a set up to be unhappy, mistreated, and resentful because you are settling for less than you want while buying into that there is something wrong with you that let's this happen. It is also a recipe for it to get worse as your boundaries will keep going down over time until you are putting up with not just bad behaviors, but atrocious ones. Natural consequences for breaking someone's stuff is and stealing is to get arrested. I think you mentioned in another post you are trying to protect her because she's on probation. More likely, this is what she does in relationships until no longer enabled and then she gets the legal charges she should have had all along. Why should she get away with criminal behaviors because she's your girlfriend? Maybe she needs to be locked up get sober and protect others. I assume she tore off in your car drunk. How will you feel when she runs someone down in your car drunk? Stay with her if you want, but don't enable her and don't be fooled that she's a super duper person with just a little drinking problem. She's a really sick alcoholic both when drunk and sober.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Carly, are you safe with her? Smashing your things sounds like you may need to protect yourself from danger.
Have a plan. Have an escape. Have a phone number and a charged phone at all times. Have some cash. Don't think it will be OK. I hope it doesn't come to this, then having a plan will be just a minor waste of time. It will be your lifeline if the violence intensifies.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It isn't going to get better, Carly. As the disease progresses, the acting out increases. Oftentimes, there isn't even a memory of what the person did so there is no point in "talking it over" when they're calmer. What she is practicing now is domestic violence and theft. What happens if she acts while you are sleeping? I knew a woman once who believed "Oh, s/he'd never really hurt me," and then was punched in the face, her car stolen with her hanging onto the door and being drug through a parking lot. Fortunately, somebody saw it and called the police. She put a RO in place and the person she believed would never really hurt her went to prison - exactly where they should have gone. You are an adult capable of making healthy decisions that are in your favor. You couldn't be working in rehab without some kind of strength although there you have co-workers to back you up. In this situation, you are all alone with a person who is dangerous and has shown you that. Please take care of yourself because she isn't going to do that. She is demonstrating that to you. Allowing somebody to hit us, steal our car and break up what belongs to us and then letting them get off the hook for violent and destructive behavior against us helps them to continue that same behavior.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 24th of July 2014 08:38:54 PM

CarlyM123 · Member

I just need to get myself in a better place to leave her or something i dont know. She has never actually hit me as of yet. I need to figure this out im just so tired and mentally exhausted I cant make a decision for the life of me right now. I know we wont last unless she decides to go in to recovery. Ive seen it so many times at work and its frustrating that i am part of this. You are all right though - how I am forgiving of someone that has stolen from me and verbally abused me is beyond me. I guess I am really enabling her but i am going to have to focus on myself and worry about me and she can do what she wants. Starting to not even care anymore. Slowly giving up on any future with her.

Thanks for the comments. Grateful.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Did u call the police? A's and everyone won't learn anything unless they answer for their behavior.

Only you know what makes ya stay.

Try using what not why.

For one thing it is familiar. Maybe you are afraid of being alone. Or maybe you don't believe you deserve a serene life.

No one can make you anything. There are many many options how to respond to madness or any situation. Instead of calming down, counting to ten and being rational, some make a choice to hang on and react to the insane situation.

For some it is a high.Of course it was awful! A's are so difficult most all the time when using. It's hard at first as we have not learned the skills as to what to do! And we still have to remember to use them too. New habits take a while. You came here, you see the insanity, that is good! You are not in denial.

Hey good it hurts! That is the only way we will come to realize,Hey I choose not to live like this anymore! I hope you found some softness now and feel better. So next time what will ya do?

I am sad you got hurt and this is such a mess, as all you want is a good relationship and a happy life with her!

Someday you too will get sick of being sick. What would you think of your situation if you saw it on tv?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You are strong. You are capable. You will make it through this. The most important person in this share is you. I hope you will be able to rest well soon, Carly. Sending you lots of encouragement and support.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

It is okay and normal to love the person and hate the behavior...it's is the behavior that is dangerous which you are responsible for keeping yourself from...what ever it takes to do that. The question are you safe? has already been answered...NO!!! your mind and emotions and spirit have been damaged and are in the process of being further damaged. Your personal possessions are in danger and have been broken...how can you have this stop? There are alternatives and there are others who can share their ESH with you and give you other possibilities. My recovery has been built upon the recoveries of thousands of others I have sat and listened to over the time I have been here. It was okay to use and do their solutions for me. Practice what they teach. In support. (((((hugs))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand you work in a detox too carly. That would consist of care taking and loving them to wellness at their absolute worst moments. I can see how you would have a big heart for this girl and how your tolerance to this might be higher than an average person. You don't get to see as much of the horrible family pain and relationship problems in detox because they are still doped up. I admire your caring. Just a nudge towards Alanon and looking out after you. You always come first and that is not selfish...it's self-care.

slowlearner · Veteran Member

Sending you ((hugs)). When I first came to Alanon I thought self-care was a selfish behavior. How wrong I was. Taking care of yourself is the first step towards your happiness and well-being. I have learned that my AH is not the same when drunk. I have also learned I cannot control his behavior no matter how much I want to or with how much love I throw at him. And I've tried to change him for 26 years. I am now tired of beating my head against the wall and have practiced surrender and detachment which has given me much peace. Keep coming to Alanon and practice self care. There are many wise people here.

CarlyM123 · Member

Again, thanks for replies and hugs back to all of you. I am not lying when I say everything has helped me that you've said. Last night I thought about everything that I read when she was in another drunken rampage - So i told we were done, refused to fight and went to bed and she eventually stopped bothering me and passed out on the couch. Of course this morning she was all apologetic and promising me she will go to meetings and do anything she can to prove to me that she loves me and will work hard in her recovery. It didnt make me happy or make me excited this time. All ive been thinking about is being able to get to a meeting myself. I did tell her that this was her last chance if she ever steals from me or wrecks anything else then i would be done for good. Did I mean it? I think so. Will I break up with her when she does this again? I think so. And I did actually feel strong enough to be able to let her go because of the things I read on here.

Thank-you.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad that you are going to go to meetings, Carly. Keep us posted. You're welcome.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers, Carly.

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