Trying to take care of me - Al-Anon Family Group

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Trying to take care of me

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Lookingup, your post today seems different, as if you are coming out of the dark hole that we were all in at one time. The alanon preamble or closing, cant remember which, says there is no problem too great to be bettered. I love the preamble, its full of hope, I think one of the readings were talking about that recently that at the beginning its the hope thats important. Youve made a start, thats what it takes, keep doing what your doing, you will start to feel the difference. Thank you for sharing, I think we can take something out of every single post.x

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi looking up, it is wonderful to hear from you. Your honesty, humility and willingness are powerful assets that will serve you well in the program. This is not an easy road that we walk. Gaining patience, and compassion are two steps towards developing wisdom. Please keep coming back. Remember it is progress not perfection that we seek

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I wish you the best, LU. Lots of prayers for you.

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for replies. And yes I'm scared to death for I've never done this before as of working my recovery,I have lots of recovery work to do just that I've problem with being persistent with it.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Just do a little bit every day, a wee bit of reading every day helps it seep in. I would say meetings were the biggest thing for me. I go once a week. Easy does it, just do what you can.x

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

In my eyes youve taken the biggest step, youve became willing to work it. Some people dont even get that far. So, pat on the back for you.x

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

It's scary lookingup but you do sound good, I agree about meetings and sticking with it but also don't give up if you slip and fall into old sad trapped thinking patterns where it is all about him; it might still happen from time to time. You sound like you are doing great! You've taken some really brave steps in the past and I have admired you for them. Now it sounds to me like you are contemplating a future without your A dominating it. Yay, time to work on you!!!! I think you and I are in similar place, in many ways.
(((LU)))

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

No need to be sorry. Oddly, it's not about being strong it's about surrendering. This really begins with surrendering the notion that you are not OK without the A and surrendering that your can make him change. You can't.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

So..it is about DOING things differently. Actually going to mettings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, and not having all of your "happiness eggs" in his basket. If you don't DO these things, you will stay the same. You cannot think yourself out of this obsession with him looking up. You need an active program. Remember, we love you and know you can develop tools to make yourself less dependent on the A and more happy with yourself, others, and your HP.

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Aww you all are too good to me,but I need it so please keep it coming as I pull myself through this jungle I've been in all my life,I think most of my problems come from not so much his drinking but his walking out of my life for good and me not being able to stand strong and keep firm with my boundaries.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

" ... yes I'm scared to death for I've never done this before ..." That was a repeat of what I thought and said when I first reached the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups. It didn't sound manly to me and at the time I didn't care cause I was scared to death and ready to check out. I said I loved her and came to learn after lots of listening and reading that that kind of "love" was really my addiction to her. I was as addicted to her as she was to drugs and alcohol...I "had to have her" and when she wasn't there I went into withdrawals begging for more. There were some things I knew when I first reached the doors of Al-Anon and one what that I was certifiably crazy. In the rooms them gave me the reason why I felt that way....I kept doing the same things over and over again expecting different results and I could not figure out for me why things didn't change. I worked the "if onlys" to death and came away depressed. I lost myself, my belief in myself and my love of myself. I stopped caring for...myself and caring for her only made the situation much worse.

I'm in support of you taking care of yourself and as el-cee says in her very good responses you have arrived at "willingness" and for me that was the key that got me into the rooms and kept me in my seat listening with an open mind. It is true ...there is no problem to great to be bettered and no unhappiness to great to be lessened.

In support...this works when you work it. (((((hugs))))) smile

Flower49 · Senior Member

It is a crazy insane journey. Learn all you can from this board, meetings and a sponsor. It's about self-care, it's about learning to detach and handle situations in a different way. You can do this, just as pink said it's not about being sorry but more about surrender. (((hugs)))

slowlearner · Veteran Member

How true - it is a long crazy journey. But the more I learn about alcohol and addiction the more I understand it. It is a very selfish dehabilitating disease. The family/friends are kicked to the curb - even though the a says they love you. So basically for me - I was scared that my AH would leave me too, until I realized that I do most things without him anyway! Caring for an addict is like at times caring for a black hole - everything gets sucked in and nothing comes out. Take care of yourself - you're worth it. Like Flowers said work on detachment. Keep coming back.

karma13 · Senior Member

I follow your threads..your story reminds me so much of my own. My heart goes out to you, there are others that have been though what you are going through and you don't have to be alone or go through this alone anymore. I hit my bottom with my partner four years ago and came into the program. I too, had begged him back during this time he was having a emotional affair. I would have put up with any unacceptable behavior to be with him. Everything I did, said or thought was about him and I had no idea who I was coming in. Alanon saved my life and gave me a life of my own , something I never had before. Face to face meetings, a sponsor, the steps, cal and other recovery literature and the love of people in the program taught me how to trust myself and others. I did it slow with just willingness, and getting the focus on myself . The program has helped me with all my relationships, taught me how to detach with love, set boundaries, acceptance and tolerance of others disease and conditioning and much much more. He is no longer the sole focus in my life, I have my hp,friends, family, hobbies, the program, and most of all myself. It was such a slow change at times it was barely noticeable. Patience and persistence paid off.... I keep at my program. I won't say I don't slip occasionally and focus on him a bit, but I get right back on track and get the focus back on me using all the tools of the program. Blessings ;) it works if you work it, and you are worth it. Much love and prayers for courage,
Angel

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.