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Post Info TOPIC: Why I carry so much anger?


Senior Member

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Why I carry so much anger?


I really don't understand. And I am not even talking about my husband today.

General anger at people. I don't show it but burns inside.

I think generally people are all trying to lie to me, manipulate me, use me, laugh behind my back and talk about my shortcomes when I am not listening. Of course that I know they have more interesting things to do but it is irrational.

I just can't trust. I am always trying to figure out people's second intentions when they are nice or helpful to me.

There are only very few people I feel comfortable with and H is one of them (when he is not in crazy mode of course).

I will start a new job in September and already trying to visualise a way to be friendly and polite but with firm walls around me and I am convinced I should be always alert with sharp eyes and ears to figure people out.

It is exhausting.

 



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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.



~*Service Worker*~

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When I felt like that (and i really did, for a long time) it was because i was judging and hating myself constantly. So I thought everyone else was too, so how could I trust anyone when they were judging me and hating me so much?
I was like this for 37 years and then when i started incorporating al-anon into my daily life I started to not hate me, and people seemed to like me better, and after a while I started to like me and people started to like me at the same time!!
I think maybe if you think everybody is lying to you, manipulating you, using you, laughing at you, it is possibly a sign that you are actually doing all of those things to yourself?
I only felt safe with my A too, and that is NUTS because he is the only person who actually DOES deliberately lie to me, use me and manipulate me AND encourage me to do it to myself.
Other people are pretty nice on the whole and the more I gain confidence and learn to trust myself, the easier it is to spot the "bad eggs".
Go to meetings, work the steps, that's what helped me get out of that awful lonely place where everybody hated me. And still is helping me

I also really like your sig!!



-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 24th of July 2014 02:37:12 PM



-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 24th of July 2014 02:38:26 PM

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3496
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Are you working the steps and with a sponsor .. it helps a great deal .. I didn't realize and I mean I knew how much anger I had .. I didn't realize how much unresolved anger I had from my childhood I kept thinking I had addressed it and guess what .. I hadn't.

The only way I have been able to move forward is Alanon and I also used a non-traditional form of therapy EMDR that addresses trauma.

Hugs keep coming back :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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I can relate to this. This is my old way of thinking and it does come up now and again but thankfully through working on changing my thought processes it is a rare view I have of the world these days. I believe its a symptom of living with alcoholism.
I know for me I felt shame and embarrassment from the way I was living and this led me to isolate myself from others and the world in general, this distanced me from people, normalising my life with the a and helping me to feel fearful of the outside world. This helps alcoholism survive and thrive because the whole family can feel the world is a threatening and hostile place when really the hostility and threat comes from within the family as alcoholism takes hold and gets worse. In my experience, the idea that we were okay and its outside thats dangerous was part of the denial for all of us.

Now, since I left my ex I am much more part of the world now and theres not a lot that can harm me now. Alanon has given me a suit of armour, Its not about trusting others its about trusting me. I know that noone can really hurt me with anything they might say unless I take a hurt, take being the important word. I can set boundaries for myself so that when I encounter dysfunction or intolerable behaviour I can choose not to participate in it, easy. The biggest threat to me and my peace of mind is and has never been the outside world, its alcoholism and alcoholics, its them that makes me crazy. Again though Its all down to me, how I feel, the resentment and anger for me were part of my denial. I knew I wasnt doing the right thing, living the right way so I projected on to perfect strangers. It was my own self hate.

I know it sounds like an exaggeration but learning a new way to think in alanon has freed me of all of this. Theres hope.x

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~*Service Worker*~

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I have always been a pretty trusting person, but my wife isn't. I grew up in a dysfunctional non-alcoholic family, but one of the ways they were functional was that my parents kept their word. Wife's family was very unreliable, full of A and drug abuse, so quite often she didn't know if she would be picked up from school, by whom, whether that person could be trusted etc.

This has caused her to not be trusting either. She and I approach a lot of situations with other people in very different ways. Now through the miracle of recovery she is gaining trust in other people, or at least learning that *everyone* isn't out to get her.

I urge you to choose recovery as well. It seems like you are starting, because you now have awareness. The next step will be acceptance that you have the anger, and trying to figure out why, then action as far as how to rid yourself of it. Keep up meetings and getting a sponsor and you may look back at yourself in a little while and see some big change!

Kenny

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Senior Member

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Posts: 430
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Thanks.
Yes, I see how I isolate myself and am terrified of people asking me questions about my life/family. It means that I will either have to lie, find an excuse or change the subject. I can't talk to people about my problems with husband's drinking.
One of my jobs is looking after kids in my home so I have to have this reputation of a happy/well balanced and well adjusted family. My clients never saw my husband drunk and they rarely see him anyway, but I reduced (made it smaller and refused to grow) my business and will close down soon because I am getting more and more terrified of outside people in my home.



-- Edited by Luiza on Thursday 24th of July 2014 03:57:47 PM

__________________

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.



Senior Member

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Posts: 430
Date:

Oh yes I can relate to unreliable dysfunctional family. Mine is full of lies and secrets when I was growinp up and even to this day.

__________________

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

Luiza we might have the same dna...I went thru that for a long time and found solution in Al-Anon first to way of stopping it by learning how to practice the opposites of what I was doing and then thru the self inventories of Step 4.  You can do as many of those as you need as it starts off with the word "searching".  I hated that I hated so naturally and automatically and then learned that my greatest emotional character defect was fear.  I hated being so angry and resentful constantly along with being suspicious of every one and thing and their intentions and then learned (with a sponsor and a counselor) to change anger into acceptance and resentment into forgiveness.  The motivation was to stop thinking and feelings as I was nothing more.  Suspicions got changed to letting go (It's none of my business and I'm probably wrong) and practicing courtesy.

Later on with inventories of where I came from since childhood I was able to understand my habitual reactions that anything could trigger in me whether they were sane or not.  This was pretty much the part of my crazy...not real...crazy reactions.  Born and raised in the disease of alcoholism help to form them.  I learned to change the emotions before I learned why I had them.  Good luck ...in support.   (((((hugs))))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1152
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I grew up in a family of people who kept their word, their promises and basic human kindness. I married a man from a family that was the opposite while saying they were trustworthy. I started down that road of not trusting people because my hubby lived his life the way he was taught from his family. I was so confused.

In the 80's and 90's the term "family values" was huge and I knew that so many people only gave it lip service. They lived with lies and secrets. I lived with lies and secrets. I would get so angry and I hated anyone who said family values. I knew ours was a lie.

I learned that first and most important, I could rely on my HP. My HP has my back and doesn't lie to me.

Take care of yourself.

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maryjane
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