The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am on my second A marriage, so I have seen my share of "counselors". Unfortunately, nothing really worked because we were both together in the sessions, or we would have individual and joint alternating; and it was always handled as a marriage problem. Obviously, we have a probem in our marriage, it is called ALCOHOL. I have been told time and time again, "We understand his drinking is not your problem but there are things you can do to relieve stress so he doesn't have the urge to drink." In our case, that is bunk. He is a sponge that can never be filled, and I am not God. He needs his hole filled with his HP, and I am not that. Right now his HP is vodka. This man has/had no stress. I have done absolutely EVERYTHING for 15 years. He worked. I managed and took care of the house, kids, finances. etc. etc. etc. In his off time, he watches TV. How stressful is that?
After attening AlAnon for a few months, I am finally getting help for ME. You understand me as you live this life I live. Eureka!
This morning, in my quiet time, this came to me. I usually don't have profound and eloquant revelations, but simple truths that I can apply in my daily life. I like to call them nuggets. If you take your car to the shop to be worked on do you want someone who has read about your car, and how it works and what is wrong if it doesn't; or do you want someone who has worked on your car, and knows that car inside and out? If you go to a doctor... a surgeon.... Well, the answer is obvious. So, why would I go to someone who has a "degree" in alchoholism and read all the same stuff I have read but has never lived a day, or depended on an A for daily needs? They are clueless, even if they are well meaning & have a lot of knowledge in their head.
This came to me this week. Uur current counselor is wonderfuil & I like the man personally. I can talk to him easily and he is not a traditional stuffy counselor, but very down to earth and seems to be real. However, he is a former addict so he can work with addicts and HE KNOWS THEM. That is great. But, I am not, nor have I ever been an addict. So, there is little practical advice he can give me IMHO.
I have backed away from weekly meetings; and my AH still goes weekly (but lies to him and continues to drink), and I go to AlAnon instead and hit him about once a month to touch base. Yesterday, it was said that one of us has to humble oursleves, sit down and reason this out and stop blaming each other, be an adult........ blah, blah, blah. I understand that in theory but one of US is an active alcoholic and there is no reasoning w/ my AH. (The other day we had an argument. the first in a few months and I finally said, "You're right, you've always been right." And he replied, "I know." A lot of humilty there.) And after that comment from the counselor I said to self, "this is just marriage counseling again." I am not a door mat; I am wall-to-wall carpet. I can't go any lower or be any more "humble" short of selling my soul. This is the standard cycle of counseling. I talk to them, and outline this issues. They assure me that they will address the addiction, we go, and if they bring up the alcohol, my AH quits; if they don't, I quit. And that has been the pattern for 10 years.
So, I summised that AlAnon is my tool of choice to deal w/ my part in this disease. I have been extremely busy the past few weeks and missed several meeting in a row (I go to 3-4 a week) and last night got back, and it was great! I left feeling empowered, filled up and accepted.
Thanks for letting put this down on paper (screen) as it helps me organize it in my brain. :)
I found that alcohol wasn't the only issue in our marriage and even if my qualifier stopped doing what he was doing the marriage itself needed a lot of work. I only knew I couldn't do the work alone and he was emotionally checked out and into doing whatever the latest "feel good" was.
For me going to someone who has personal experience PLUS the degree in counseling has helped me a great deal in the past. I was better able to manage my part of the disease. There is a big difference in being humble and being humiliated too .. and I used to confuse the two. I came into Alanon with feelings of humiliation .. humbling myself to the God of my understanding and giving those parts of me to Him made me feel better. Being humble was letting go of my pride and my ego .. my need to be right.
For all of my qualifies short comings, the drinking being one .. I can give a litany of his inventory .. that's not for me to deal with .. I have had a few of my own character defects to really take a look at and say hmm .. that probably wasn't healthy for my marriage or any relationship for that matter .. my need to be right, my need to have the last word, my need to control, my unspoken resentments, my need to blame him for whatever I didn't want to look at in me. I'm absolutely NOT excusing the bad behavior he brought to the table .. it just isn't mine to deal with, if he doesn't want to deal with it .. I can't make him.
Just because they stop drinking doesn't make everything else just go away and for a long time I thought that was the case and I sure thought I was in the right on that issue.
Keep coming back, hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Been there, done that too. We can't make anyone else want it when it comes to councelling or recovery. I was the only one participating in those sessions also. It was my luck that he went off and I continued on my own which was when the real work began. Thank you, hp! There are good professionals out there, it's just a matter of finding who is right for you just like finding a good fit concerning an Alanon sponsor. I feel fortunate that at a time when I needed it most, I had both. As far as humility, I don't think our higher power wants us to be self sacrificing martyrs or doormats. I'm glad you're honoring your life and your recovery. It sounds like you've had a spiritual awakening with this awareness or "nugget." :) I know what you mean about those short and oh so sweet revelations. For me, it's like duh! Geez, it was there in front of me all the while. I guess hp sends us these awarenesses when we're ready to receive them. You sound "entirely ready" for recovery :) Hubby? hp only knows. Thankfully the Alanon meetings are there to help us to keep the focus on ourselves. A few dollars in the basket is a real bargain in comparison to thousands spent with a professional you aren't happy with. Hp will lead you to the right one if you want to combine it with recovery. Good for you for considering what isn't working and having the willingness to make a change. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 24th of July 2014 07:26:13 AM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 24th of July 2014 07:28:08 AM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I certainly understand what you are saying, Blessed. Although therapists have had their place in my life and helped me in some areas, the real transformations have come about in groups of peers who have walked the same road I've walked and understand on an experiential level what I'm talking about. Professionals do what they do inside the confines of an office. Peers give who they are to one another in daily life. Glad you are experiencing Al-Anon's healing properties, Blessed. Glad you're here, too.
Great thoughts; which I always get from AlAnoners.
My AH has been "prophesying" for years, "You are going to leave with J--- goes to college." I have never uttered, or thought, those words, but he has been wishing it for years.He used to even say, "the boys told me". All of the boys denied it as well. It is bad when a "parent" will accuse their children of saying something they never said.There was even a time he wrote letters to each of them and signed them saying he would never drink again. He lied. Obviously, this is the disease, but there is a human in there that has to take some responsiblity. I don't know how much lower you can go than to lie to a child; your own children. And he is about to see his dream come to fruittion. I know I am done; I can't do this alone, and I have worked, and worked hard. Am I a perfect? Is anyone? I've never claimed to be & certainly know on this side of heaven, it is impossible. But, I do know I've given more than my 100% and carried to load for both of us for years. Things are pretty much lined up and all I have to do is give my notice at work, train someone and get out of here. I have a great deal of respect for my employers and they have been very good to me; so I will give them a month to find someone & have them trained. My son told me, "Get a full time job that can support you and get out of there." I now work parttime.
I am still committing to one day at a time, but each day is heavily toward getting out of here while I still have an ounce of sanity and dignity left. He is not going to changee anytime soon; he still has too many enables and I have seen the stats and real life stories of the "dry drunks" adn relapsers. I jsut don't see that many success stores. I can't live like that. I just can't. I don't want to do this when I am 60, instead of 50. Fifty is bad enough. But fortunately I am in excellent health and shape and am more like 30 physically so that is something that should help me in this new journey.
Thank you for listening, once again, while I put my thoughts in some kind of order.
Expecting an active alcoholic to take responsibility for ANYTHING is like yelling at the tide and expecting it to stay out to sea .. it is a fruitless exercise. I do a similar dance .. I expect (and it fails every time .. LOL) for the kids dad to engage them on SOME level and actual be a parent while they are together. The latest kick he is on .. let's not call it visitation .. it's time with dad .. my daughter just stared at him and I KNOW the look she gave him .. LOL .. and said really, .. dad. My son no longer wants to attend the movies with him .. it's "boring" he falls asleep, he doesn't know how to even talk about the movie they have seen together .. can you imagine .. a kid who DOES NOT want to go to the movies with his dad. Now .. I asked him if he didn't want to go to the movies at all to which he said .. of course mom .. I want to go with you .. it's FUN! Umm .. it's a dark theater .. how much fun can it be .. he laughed and said MOM .. you KNOW what I mean .. you talk to us .. you play .. you are FUN .. dad is a drag and he's embarrassing. Now that is saying a lot considering what I do put the kids through .. seriously .. LOL .. they have verbalized who is the kid MOM .. LOL.
The man and the dream of the man are two different animals .. I know they are for me. I agree, I didn't want to wait around for the next drink. It will be years before he is really ready if he ever is .. and that's his journey. I TOTALLY APOLOGIZE to those who ARE working a rock solid program of recovery and CHOOSE to do so EVERY DAY .. this person I deal with .. he doesn't want recovery. That's his choice to continue to do what he's doing .. I don't have a say in what HE does .. I DO have a say in what I do.
I really have to get out of the mind set that this person I deal with comes close to thinking like I do .. they are not rational .. they are not ok .. and they are NOT going to do what I think they should do .. that's their right to live that life. I do not have to travel that same journey.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Counselors are just people...that is what I found out and I was one...lol. My alcoholism counselor at the VA didn't (strongly) like Al-Anon in my life and my response to him was "well then don't make it an issue and we will move on because Al-Anon is strong therapy for me". It was he that told me that 12 step recovery was "social model" therapy...the sick helping the sick and yeppers I came to understand who best to help me with a problem they know much about. Laughable between he and I was that on a couple of occasions when he wanted to cancel session because of something he was going thru, he allowed me to be the counselor for the hour (which really isn't an hour). lol
I like the qualification of "walk a mile in my shoes" when speaking with one cause honestly "they can't if they can't" and if I have the need to speak with one I interview them first. The mechanic metaphor is a good one. Blessed you're doing good. If you keep doing what you're doing you are going to get what you're needing. What goes around comes around isn't a negative philosophy...just a fact. I hear detachment and remember coming to work it not because I "had" to because of the alcoholic and because I was naturally and enabler...always in someone else's business trying to fix fix fix. Today I'd rather help than enable the outcomes for me are better. Keep on keeping on.
I can so relate to your share, I was with my exAH for 15 years and alcohol always ruled the roost. I could never fill up the God sized hole in my AH either, but I sure was worn out from trying. Alanon saved my serenity and life. I am glad you are here! MIP, face to face meetings, my sponsor and my old counselor that dealt with families of alcoholics all helped me to get through the heat of my stuff and get a better look at what was going on. Keep coming back, sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I have learned the alcohol puts more fuel on the fire of all my marriage problems. We have lots of problems besides alcohol. AH told me he would sell junk cars and boats or just get rid of them. Since March only ONE has gone away the rest are still surrounding my home. He still doesn't have a job. Hasn't worked since January. He spends money that should be saved for retirement. Life is all about him. He has done some yard work. That's about it.
