Your whole life doesn't need to come from your husband. Let go...it's not the end of the world. I needed to learn how to be happy with myself before I could have relationships where I commanded respect, was not dependent, and was not clingy. If my current spouse (just married) told me he cheated on me and loved someone else, I'd be angry at him, not calling myself stupid. I would probably want to separate for a while at least and let him get his crap together or move on. . When you stop letting your AH consume your entire life focus, it will free you up to actually have a happier and more balanced life. Loving in a less needy and dependent way is the answer. To get there you would need to make friends...go to alanon, reach out...take care of yourself, indulge in hobbies and treat yourself like your own best friend. Turn to your higher power or God as you understand. Right now, it sounds like your AH is your higher power. When you have a more stable higher power, you won't be so dependent because your higher power can't and won't ever leave you. Please know you are worth of love and the love you can give yourself and feel from your higher power is more important than the love of your husband.

A little story: My daughter was about 8. We were staying at a friend's caring for her house and her two dogs. The dogs jumped into bed with my daughter and me. The more my daughter tried to pull the dogs close to her, the more the dogs would pull away and place themselves by me. "Mommy, the dogs won't stay by me. Why won't they stay by me? Make them come over to sleep near me." "Because the more you tug at them and try to force them to come by you, the more they'll pull away. I can't force them to sleep next to you. That's up to them." She stopped tugging and pulling. They slept close to her the next night.

Your husband isn't a dog. You are not 8. But, the truth is still there - the more we pull at somebody and tug at them - the more they'll struggle to break free. He is not your life. You can find help and hope in meetings and you can free yourself of the belief you need him. You can stop tugging and pulling at him if that is what you're doing? Love doesn't cling. It frees.

ok you feel stupid, not long ago I felt like I sucked! lol

now listen. Men like to have to put out effort to keep a woman. I read a ton of books, ONe was so good. i gotta get you the titles.

The more you back off and do your own thing, the more he is going to wonder what the heck is going on.I don't like games. But for your sake, make you the happiest you can be. Do it for you. build up your person.

To be desperate is a complete turn off. it just does not matter what thinks. WE all have a right to be happy with in ourselves, be ourselves. it that attracts someone great, if not they are not the one you want.

Its hard for me to relate as I always told my husband, if you want someone else there is the door. I was always me, he loved and liked me. He would not dare go to someone else. Neither would I.

He didn't till he had a brain surgery and they cut out the man i loved.

We should not have to try to win our own husband! Is he going to give up this other person? You may need a mediator/counselor to help you guys. mostly for you. becuz his primary issues are he is an A not in recovery.

HOney you are hurt, tore up, shocked, disappointed, frustrated.

The best thing is to let go of him, if he wants to cheat, that is his choice. it is YOUR choice if you are going to put up with it. HE is a cheater, will always be a cheater. Just how they are.....

and by the way, who cares what his decision is, we can make our own decision!!

I invite you to love you!

 

-- Edited by Debilyn on Wednesday 23rd of July 2014 11:21:44 PM

It sounds like you are obsessed with your husband, this can be a symptom of living with alcoholism. He has a disease and we get sick too, our thinking becomes distorted. His recovery and any changes he makes belong to him, your recovery from the effects belong to you. You have put him on a pedestal somehow, he has behaved badly and your the one trying to make amends to him, does this sound sane to you? We become insane when we live with alcoholism but there is a recovery program for us, if you want to feel better, live in reality, look at things from a rational perspective then go to your nearest alanon meeting and work it.

I'm guessing it's just because it's all so scary and different. Your way of life is being threatened. That is hugely anxiety provoking. Treat yourself kindly. Tell yourself positive things and not negative.

Weve all felt that way, there is hope though, most of us, who work the program have managed to get a healthier perspective. If you manage to get to a meeting you should be given a starter pack that is easy to follow and gets you familiar with the philosophy.x