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Hey its me again haha was just was thinking of something though and had to ask all you intelligent wonderful people...
I know i am supposed to live for the day and take it one day at a time, however, in my recovery I am trying to plan what I will say or do the next time my A drinks. If she was to tell me she was going to drink... and I reply with "Okay, I will not interfere with your choice because it is your choice and you have the right to your choice. All I will say is that there is a possibility you will regret your choice." --- something along those lines... how does that sound?? Or should I not be planning these things lol I am coming to believe that detachment has a little something to do with not interfering - I reread all my comments from my first post and learned a lot more than I did a week ago. I didnt even hear what anyone was trying to say until tonight.
Sorry for seeming so needy tonight but I am just curious. I didnt really go to al anon about my current A before. I went because of my work (addictions worker) and because my very best friend is an addict. So this whole partner alcoholic thing is more or less new to me and a bit more serious than anything Ive ever dealt with before!!
I take everything that you have to say right to my heart and hold on to it for dear life. I am so incredibly grateful I came across this sight. And I am realizing how badly I need to go to more meetings!!
Hi Carly, I believe that thinking about how to respond in various situations are healthy because we are attempting not to react in our old destructive ways.
Some of the tools Al-Anon offers is examining our motives for making a comment, and most importantly "saying what we mean, meaning what we say without saying it mean."
If you are concerned with your partners drinking and she indicates that she is going to drink tonight , it would be helpful to speak your truth. For example :I love you, I believe that drinking is very destructive to your health but the decision is up to you. "
Being powerless over another person's decisions gave me a great deal of freedom about how I acted and reacted. Detachment simply means we are taking care of our own feelings and allowing others to do the same.
I am happy that you found us as well keep coming back
I think that there is a difference between obsessive thinking and the type of self knowledge where one knows ones boundaries and what one feels is a realistic and doable response if a boundary gets crossed. Once I've imagined a scenario that I'm worried about and come up with a potential response that I would feel comfortable implementing I write my proposed response in my journal and then try not to think about it or the scenario again unless the need arises.
I think that regarding the desire for a loved one not to drink it is something best said lovingly, clearly, succinctly and preferably only once. RAH continued to drink for some months after I said my piece. I had nagged a few times before in the heat of argument and that did not work and only created more tension. But one day I simply said 'I think you need to stop drinking.' I did not step in when he got into jams (unless there was a significant danger to property or the safety of other people) and I did not apologise on his behalf or sympathise with him when things did not work out as he expected or when he was feeling ill. I just said 'oh, that's a shame,' or if it felt safe enough 'oh, thats strange, why do you suppose that is?' (not really expecting or wanting an answer to that one). From starting my calmer approach to when he poured the remaining wine down the sink was about ten months. I visited a lot of friends in that time and I made it clear that I was well, enjoying myself and he did not need to worry about me. It took a lot out of me and I might be a bit healthier now if I had simply gone away for a while.
One of the things that I think that is underestimated in the care services is the negative effect that alcoholic behaviour has on those who care about the alcoholic. Alanon is a great programme for combatting that but when I read Govt literature (in the UK at least) about the problems of alcohol addition there is hardly any mention of the wider impact (IMHO). I'm getting ready to get myself a soap box!!
I'm sorry that your good friend is struggling with alcohol as well, I think that it is a bit more difficult when one is dealing with one's own family. I guess we might have more expectations of our partners. Now you've got me thinking!
I would be more inclined to not respond at all. It is a declaration that needs no response. For me, my concern would be, "what am I going to do?" If I were faced with this and opted to go out for the evening to not be around the drinking and if I were asked why I was leaving..I might say something like "I don't like to be around you when you drink, so I am going to see a movie".
And, it is ok to be needy right now as you are maneuvering through this....we can support as long as this is not the only support you seek. Meetings are essential. Meetings are for our growth/recovery and transform who we are in all areas of our life. (((hugs)))
I don't like being around anybody who drinks to excess. I'm often even uncomfortable around folks who seem to lavish themselves on the idea of having a drink or are looking forward to a drink. I've learned that saying anything about it is usually a waste of breath on my part. Those folks are going to do what they are going to do. Whatever I say has absolutely no power to influence them one way or another. Most of the drinkers I know have already made up their mind they are going to drink. I have made up my mind that I don't want to be around them and will limit myself to not being around them at all or to leave their presence to so something that is healthy for me. Meetings are my first choice when I recognize that I'm feeling uncomfortable with their choices or decisions - before or after they act on them.
