The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all. I'm new to this group, though not to Al-Anon. I grew up attending meetings after my father found AA, and I, reluctantly, came back a few years ago after my father lost his battle and when I had to face that I married back into it. My AH and I moved our family long-distance just over a year ago, and now we live in a small town so its been difficult to go to the couple of meetings that are available. Plus, I'm self-conscious in such a small community.
But yesterday my AH decided to come clean about how much he's been drinking after I caught him lying again. I shouldn't have been surprised when he brought out all of the hidden bottles, but I was b/c I had stopped searching for them several months ago, trying so hard to let him find his own way, hoping he was at least managing himself a little. As it turns out, it's gotten much worse. He said he knows he has a problem and wants to stop, but he is afraid of severe DTs. He thinks he can just cut back slowly without help, as he doesn't believe in AA or counseling or organized religion.
Amazingly, I bit my tongue. I didn't criticize or try to impose my will, though I really wanted to. I know that it is something for him to admit that he has a problem, especially to me when I haven't exactly been a calm, lovingly detached partner to him over the years. His drinking can send me into a blind rage. In recent months I've backed off some, doubting that he would ever admit to anything let alone try to stop, and now here he is saying he wants to try. I don't want to mess things up. But I'm anxious and impatient, having waited for this for years, and I don't want to see him set himself up for failure. Nor do I want to get my hopes up and have them destroyed like they often were with my father. I can't help but think about how that turned out.
Logically, I know that I can only help myself, but that does not mean that I don't want to hog-tie him and drag him to a meeting (or several). So I could really use some support. Thanks
You sound very healthy to me, working a good program. Detaching with love is a great thing, it means you get to work on you and your happiness regardless of his choices. Im glad your here, this is a good place where everyone understand s where your coming from.x
Progress, not perfection. It sounds to me too like you have been working hard and being successful at your program. Keep focusing on yourself. And maybe tell him that as well? "I know I can't change you, but I am going to work on myself. If you want help, please let me know, otherwise I will be staying out of your face". I have said something like that to my AW once she was in recovery and it helped.
Welcome Always Hopeful, love your sign-on name because it is a positive reflection.
Attending Al-Anon meetings and using the Al-Anon tools allowed me to break the isolation caused by the disease, and develop new constructive tools to use when I wanted so badly to revert to my old human ways of: arguing, fighting, delivering ultimatums, crying or just trying to force solutions.
Sharing as you just did is a powerful way to disperse the anger and anxiety and I'm glad you found us and shared. This is how Al-Anon works.
We are all very human, so sharing our own ESH Jews hope to the newcomer and validates our own journey. Keep coming you are worth it
Hello Always Hopeful,
I really like your post, so much awareness and kindness in there, and a lot of patience as well. I'm glad you've found us and just wanted to sending you some supportive ((((hugs)))). We all know that this is a difficult journey and we're riding alongside
