Seriously Confused About What to Do - Al-Anon Family Group

tracym · Newbie

Seriously Confused About What to Do

John · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it is fair and appropriate to tell your husband how you feel, exactly as you have expressed it here. Suggesting - Just make clear, that its not permanent, but pending a notable change in both behavior and attitude for a extended period of time. That prior to that, you will not be comfortable around him in your home.

John

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think we can keep the peace in another person, but we can keep our own. I can understand how difficult this position might be for you being the wife of a man whose one son has committed suicide and another son is caught up in this addiction and some of its consequences. Just from the legal standpoint, I would think if there is a warrant for his arrest - then any contact with him could be viewed as aiding and abetting or another type of legal consequence? Regardless, letting your husband know how difficult it is for you to tell him how you are feeling about his son coming to the house and how sad it makes you feel to not want his son at your home right now may be the simplest and most honest way to keep peace within yourself? Many prayers for you, for your husband and for his family. Lots of sad and scary things going on right now? I hope you are both attending Al-Anon meetings, too? They are a big help for those of us with adult children with this disease.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 22nd of July 2014 05:58:41 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

What you are describing is "tweeker" behavior, meaning meth addict. They are no one to mess with, totally insane and very dangerous. They act out in such horrible ways.

I invite you and husband to research about poly drug users. They do not know up from down and are very paranoid. I am so sad this is happening.

It's so awful you lost the younger boy too. How can you possibly grieve with this other son acting out!

When things happen, its important to have a paper trail. Report it to police so they have it. I would keep a journal. It may come in handy if he needs to be put in jail.

So glad you found us, you are so welcomed here. Please be careful and please let husband know, it is not the kid you are afraid of it is the diseases influence on him. He is very dangerous. I cannot make it any stronger, this is NOTHING to play with, or make light of!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Step mother is always going to be the first in the line of fire. I support what John stated as far as how to respond. Also, crack addicts don't act much different than meth...they are both major stimulants and both can lead to intense paranoia all on their own and even more so when mixed with other drugs.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 22nd of July 2014 05:13:07 PM

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I see this is your first post and I just wanted to welcome you. Not much else to add.

I too agree that you shouldn't secondguess what you are feeling. I'm sorry for the loss of your son to suicide and I hope your stepson finds his way. Keep safe. Please keep coming back to read or share whatever you feel most comfortable doing here. TT

blessed · Senior Member

I certainly don't have an answer; but a similar experience. We had foster children for 6 years that we adopted. They were 8 & 10 when they came to live w/ us. The last three were hell. As they reached puberty, they went wild. I was a prisoner in my own home. They were in/out of psych wards. I carried mace w/ me all the time, and had it in night table, desk, etc. I couldn't have firearms, for obvious reasons. It took a court action to get them out of the house & I had to fight for that for a few years; it was not simple. The state was on thier side all the way. I won't waste your time going into all the details, as it was long and arduous.

When we adopted the boys I did not know my husband drank. During this time my AH progressed in his disease as he dealt w/ it by drinking more so I was up against that, the city, the state, and two boys that wanted me dead (in writing and carved in the walls of their bedrooms). They cursed me constantly, absolutely tore up my house, etc. Even when I was abused, the police wrote a report and left, leaving them here. When they went to court they got a chance to straighten up and they would drop the charges. They did not straighten up, and got another chance. It was maddening.

After they were removed from our home (we relinquished custody) we had protective orders. They have expired but the boys (now men) are still in the area. I hope they would know better than to come around here, but they are nuts. They have every mental disorder you can name including sociopath. They both use drugs and drink. It is sad because we took them off the streets and they had every opportunity to change their life, but they chose the life that their birth parents had which made them foster kids to begin with.

But, you can't define yourself by what they say; or what others want to believe. Those who know you know the truth. All the others don't matter. You have nothing to prove to them.

I am sorry you are going through this. The law is not on the side of the parents, unfortunately, and when you see these crazy kids on TV, don't say, "where are the parents?" The parents are trying but have no support, in most cases. There are always exceptions, but I fought for my boys and told them, "You don't even get that I am your only advocate." What they called freedom, I called bondage. You just can't make people want to do better. You just have to put things in place, if you are able, to protect yourself the best you can.

I wish you all the best.

T~

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Tracy, welcome to Miracles in Progress. You have received fantastic feedback from the MIP members and all I wanted to do was to welcome you and to tell you how saddened I was to read of the recent loss of your young stepson.

I know that you are grieving and this new occurrence with his brother is just overwhelming. I urge you to search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend. It is here that I received the support, understanding and compassion that I deserved and needed in order to recover from living in this dreadful disease.

I do believe your boundaries are reasonable and that your husband should be able to understand your position. Please keep coming back and sharing you are not alone

tracym · Newbie

Thank you everyone, I value your ESH.

I will need to take some time to talk with my husband about it later. I hesitate because it's such a hurtful situation, at the same time, it is what it is and none of us were promised an easy path.

karma13 · Senior Member

I actually went through this exact thing with one of my stepsons, the older one. Situation was a little different, he had moved out , was using drugs, drinking, no job, and no school. Two months later he called wanted to move back in. I had a few years program then and believe it or not it was one of the first boundaries I set. I was so afraid to say no...but I was so stressed I knew I had to do something. Looking back my higher power probably spoke for me. I actually had to call someone in the program after I set the boundary because I was afraid and second guessing myself. I said no in light of what's happening, he can't not move in and he can't even spend the night. My husband tried to argue the point saying I said he could stay till October till he found a place. I said that was before he moved out, it's not my problem his place did not work out. He got kicked out of a friends, they found drugs on him. I stuck to my guns he never came back and he never will. I did tell my husband he could visit the home but only when my husband was home. My older stepson is still crashing on his moms floor, still no job for very long, and possibly still using. I'm so happy he's not in my home, and it would be a deal breaker if it were a package deal. My peace and serenity mean the world to me. If the situation happened again today, I would use a lot of I statements and keep it simple and short....I don't feel comfortable with the idea of him visiting or staying in our home. I am hoping that you will think about my feelings on this matter and visit him outside the home. Perhaps we can revisit him visiting the home sometime in the future if he gets clean and his undesirable behavior towards me improves. Blessings on your choices ;) prayers for courage

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