Update to Resisting and Confusion - Al-Anon Family Group

Flower49 · Senior Member

Update to Resisting and Confusion

John · ~*Service Worker*~

I know a simple hello is nice, but try to remember... nothing is different from one day to the next to report home about in a halfway house. It's the same ol' same ol' and he probably doesn't feel he has much to say and is giving you and himself some room. While you were letting yourself get "angry, weepy, sad, angry, angry, angry..." he was likely in bed sleeping... and you were working your brain and emotional center to death! LOL

I bet a quarter, that if you don't call him, and focus on your life and what you are doing, he'll pick up the phone and call you to get a report! LMAO

You'er doing good... just work at letting go and letting God... the rest is just stuff we like to mingle in mentally that disturbs our peace and serenity. As though we don't deserve it!!

John

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Your HP gave you a gentle reminder to break the spell biggrin Yay!

Flower49 · Senior Member

You are right John, a simple hello would have been good, but it is ok, I know him like the back of my hand and he was doing the "mind game" on me. We had 9 weeks of no communication, so we kind of have lots to discuss, but honestly I don't really want to discuss anything with him, much less give him a report on what is going on here. I am really practicing hard my letting go and live and let live right now. It actually is starting to become easier and I am grateful when I catch myself getting "amped up" over his behaviors. I have to stay right here inside my hula hoop and move onward. biggrin

John · ~*Service Worker*~

ah ha! You got the hula hoop going on! Anything outside its range of reach as it swings around your waist is not your's to mingle with... mentally, emotionally or physically. Turn everything outside it over to the care of God, and what's in it's range, you practice cooperating with God in reference to. He likes to see us hula hooping and keeping the focus on Him and ourselves.

John

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Great progress. I would say huh? oh you were going to call?

hehe I am bad...hugs

Flower49 · Senior Member

Hi everyone,

My AH called last night and said that him and the guys think it would be better for him to call me once a week and that I should not attend any functions. I told him I was done, this has gone on long enough and I am tired of the games. I told him to thank the guys for helping him end his marriage. Probably not the best thing to say to him but I don't care anymore about saying the right thing to him.

I cried and cried but all of a sudden I felt a sense of freedom. I have been asking my HP to give me a sign, help me know the right decision to make and in that minute it was so clear on what to do. I am just done with it. I have to now get my plan in place on what to do with this house, stay or walk away and all different types of decisions like that but I don't have any fear, resentment or anger over it. Just a sense of relief.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Hugs)))))) Flower.
Sending you prayers and lots of positive energy. Isn't it lovely when we get some clarity!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Dear Flower)) Positive thoughts and prayers for a successful outcome I see great courage and wisdom in your acceptance.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so glad you were able to see clearly the next step to take and are checking out what you need to do to move on and out. One of the highest ways to love another is to release ourselves to walk the next leg of our journey which in turn releases the other to walk in the direction their HP points out to them. I have never walked away from a relationship that I didn't need to walk away from in life. Some goodbyes took longer to say than others but once I said it, I was free and I savored that freedom. The other person could say or do whatever they wanted. I knew when I was done and I knew when it was time. Still do. Awareness, acceptance, guided action is what I see in your post.

Flower49 · Senior Member

Detaching with love is a hard thing to do. I decided to send this note to the staff at the house. I know they will talk with him about it and he will then know I don't want him calling me right now. They will make sure he doesn't call which just puts my in a spin each and every time.

Dear Sirs,
I would ask that you pass this message on to AH. Please tell him to call me or write me when he is about a week away from finishing at the 1/2 way house. Let him know I am fully supportive of him maintaining his sobriety and his desire to not use again.
At this time I simply cannot keep trying to work on our marriage. The rules change daily with how we are going to proceed with healing our issues and I simply cannot ride on this merry-go-round any longer. I think for all parties it will be in our best interest to simply put down the relationship until he is ready to move from the 1/2 house to whatever his next steps are.
The only thing I do ask at this time is that he keep up his end of the agreement to make payments weekly of 150. He did help create this financial mess and he should be able to handle depositing the money into the bank. There is no interaction between us at all that way either, so he won't have to continue being fearful, nor will I have to experience extreme anxiety and fear.
I thank you both in advance for the help you are giving him and also for passing this message on. Loving someone who is actively using or in recovery it a tough job and for me right now I am not up to the task of trying to maintain, nor heal this relationship. Let him know this has nothing to do with loving him, it's just a matter of what is best for both of us.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Job Flower. The note is direct, to the point, constructive and courteous.

Flower49 · Senior Member

Hello, so I thought I would let you all know that my online group and my counselor for family from the rehab center my AH went to in September determined that the letter I sent to my AH wasn't good because I did it in the heat of the minute and that I will regret it. I don't think so, but boy did that kind of make me mad as a wet hen!!!!

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Betty. But, Ok, then, maybe it's just time to work on you, and really just let the other go. After all, really, this letter is still about him and what he should be doing. Just don't answer the phone when he calls, and keep up whatever plans you are making. Even if he doesn't deposit the $150 in the bank account, well, that is one less way in which you are dependent on him.

Kenny

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Flower .. if you have the book How Alanon Works .. I would really refer you there because what Alanon has given me is the ability for discernment. You know what .. for me I wish my STBAX well .. he has a right to recover in peace .. the same is true for me .. you were not attacking, you were not blaming, you were not mean. It is what it is and you have the right to move forward .. for me .. pain and anger are good motivators .. now .. I need to take 5 and make sure that I mean what I say and I'm willing to follow through .. from time to time the God of my understanding will shove me off the fence because He has to do for me what I can not do for myself. I have not regretted those choices .. that's me and NO ONE else has to live my life or live with the consequences good or bad of my decisions. Keep taking care of you .. hugs S :)

Flower49 · Senior Member

It is time to work on me 100% and not place such focus on him and I mean really dig in deep and focus on nothing but me and not always straddle the fence so to speak. To tell the truth the money isn't about my need for it, it is about him paying off some of his own debt he created with me and you know what, that was just my way of forcing a solution, making him "man up". I can see that now and have for quite a bit of time. I am really angry about the financial issues and I am currently working on just letting that go. I have everything I need right at this minute, my home, food on the table, a great job, good family, my doggie men, my freedom and I have to constantly remind myself to be grateful and let go of the anger.

I don't answer the phone when I suspect it's him and I have given my daughter instructions to not answer it either when she is visiting. Sometimes, she is so mad at him, she wants to answer and give him a piece of her mind....she is funny, she does help me actually as she is on the last leg of her schooling to become an addiction/family therapy counselor, which I think is amusing, but I think she will be very good in her field.

He goes to court again today and had talked me into going to this court appearance so the Judge would see he has family support and people backing him so that he could not have to go to the 3/4 way house. I am not going to his court appearance today. This is his deal, not mine and my eyes don't need to be involved right now. He has to deal with his legal issues this time around on his own.

I know right now I need to stop meddling to try and get the outcome I want which is to keep my marriage alive. I have to give it a rest already!!!! It will do me some good anyway to shift all focus back onto my recovery.

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