Al-Anon Family Group

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Post Info TOPIC: Treatment


Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:
Treatment


My husband went into treatment last week. I was able to visit with him the first few days. He sent a group email Friday night to his parents, brother and me that he does not want to communicate or have visitors until further notice. I feel sad that he doesn't want to talk to me. And I am hurt that he didn't send me a personal email explaining his desire to have space. I'm having a hard time letting go. 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
Date:

jess he is very sick. Please believe me, he may be seriously wanting to focus on his program. This is very hard emotional and mental work. He needs all his energy to go towards that to get better.

It has nothing to do with him not wanting to talk to you.Please do not take it personally. Think about when you are very involved in something that takes all your power and attention. Its not like you don't want to talk to anyone, but you know you have to give what you are doing 100%!

He needs you all to understand this. Being sick he probably cannot even explain why, he may not know. Its almost like waking up after sleeping for ten years or  however long he has been using. They are learning how to walk talk and feel.

Its ok for you to be nice to yourself. Do what you want to do, get involved with friends, go to meetings, come here, read. What have you been wanting to do? What has the disease taken away that you want back?

One thing i have done is this, I think about the love I have for the other person. I cannot make them show me their love or anything, but i can be ok with the fact i love them.

His program is number one, it has to be for him to be able to stay on his recovery program.you may find when he gets home he goes to so many meetings you don't see him much. BUT he has to to stay on program, sane, a good worker, a good husband etc

It will never be a marriage we call normal but it can be even better, if both of you work on it. If you go to al anon meetings and get involved your marriage has a much better chance.

Its ok to vent and tell us whatever you feel.

So please take a breath, be glad he is strong enough to do this. It is NOT easy for him either. I am telling you when I read this it made me happy, as it is rare people who go to rehab are this serious.

We are here for you! love,debilyn

 



-- Edited by Debilyn on Tuesday 22nd of July 2014 01:18:22 AM

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Jessie Welcome. I agree with all that Deb has shared. I urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. While he is in rehab learning new tools to live by , it would be very helpful for your self esteem and your marriage if you choose to attend meetings and develop new constructive tools to live by.

In alanon we believe that alcoholism is a progressive disease over which we are powerless. Because of living with this disease we too become infected and need our own program of recovery. Our thinking becomes distorted trying to force solutions. Alanon offers meetings to help break the isolation caused by living in the insanity, new ideas and principles that when adapted ,will guide your life to a whole new level of serenity, courage and wisdom.
Keep coming back.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:

Thank you. I went to my first meeting last night. It was helpful and did give me some peace. 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
Date:

Alcoholic/Addicts are very selfish. Trust me, all he is thinking about is himself and his feelings are overwhelming. I am guessing his reasoning is this: It hurts to much to be in rehab and talk to everyone at home so he believes to get through it, he needs to not have that distraction. That is what I saw most times working in rehab and it's similar in jail especially with men. They don't want to be seen hurting. That is big part of what makes them addicts in the first place. They can't feel feelings right without wanting to medicate or go isolate... If he was good at utilizing family help to get through tough times, he would not be in rehab.

Mostly, when I worked in rehab, all the residents would do is complain to their families about how horrid it was and beg to come home. It wasn't horrid but the experience for them was. Maybe he knows if he got on the phone again, he'd ask to leave and is trying to stop that.

So anyhow - Yes letting go is hard, but your relationship will improve when you can meet your own needs better and not have as much riding on him (as he is not well and won't be well even when he gets out of treatment). Treatment is just the start of developing an AA or NA program. I would take your hurt feelings to alanon because this has all been caused by addiction mostly and your healing lies there. Getting your healing from alanon instead of him breaks the cycle of insanity for you in terms of wanting things that a damaged addict can't readily give.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:

I'm sure your husband would love to talk to you, but in a loving, caring, unselfish way. I imagine that he needs to get himself straightened out first. What do you think?

The biggest gift we can give our loved ones, including ourselves, is to take care of ourselves, using free time to do things that we enjoy. Building up good memories for ourselves and to share with others.

Its not personal, its good news. It sounds as though he is taking his treatment seriously. Sending ((((hugs))))) and if you feel lonely, we are all here for you.

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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 43
Date:

Some Treatment Centers recommend "visits" be suspended until the patient has had time to go through detox and focus. Many support groups recommend that members not enter into a relationship for at least a year. This is not uncommon, nor necessarily selfish. The major ingredient to effect a healthy relationship is healthy people. IF the spouse is co-dependent this can be extremely hard, but yet good for them as well if they too are in recovery (provides a form of detox for them).

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IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning

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