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Post Info TOPIC: My brain. It's confused.


~*Service Worker*~

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My brain. It's confused.


These past 4 days I worked a lot of extra hours. I was exhausted from my job and also dealing with nosey coworkers. On the way home from work yesterday I had to call my AH and tell him I was picking up our daughter. He said she hadn't eaten dinner and he asked me if we could all go out to eat. I told him I will call him back about it. I called my oldest daughter and she said she wanted to go too because she was bored. So I agreed we would all go out. I told him I was going to order a margarita. He was fine with that and only drank Coke. one thing i miss about our relationship is talking about work,since he used to work at the same place. I told him some positive things he has done for me regarding work, like encouraging me to do a certain job that has more responsibility. Dinner was going ok. I miss his quirkiness and humor. But towards the end of the meal I was speaking more freely about his behaviors that bother me...and none of them had to do with him drinking. I knew I was feeling talkative due to alcohol, but I didn't care. I asked him why he thinks it's ok to not have a job since January. He claims he needed to get himself together and grounded...something like that. 

Anyway, today I am wondering what my motive was by going out. Mostly curiosity about what his plans are. He is working around the house but doing things that aren't a priority. i am also feeling a bit guilty about drinking. I hardly ever drink. I dont have a problem with alcohol, but I get confused if I should totally stay away from it or not. It has caused so many problems in my life, but I have never used alcohol like my husband. 

Just feeling weird today...thanks for reading my second post of the day!!



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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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I also don't know I have was offensive enough to him to apologize. However, he has been emotionally abusive to me only about 4 days ago. The ups and downs are crazy. I do miss "family time" but I also don't want to confuse our daughter. Is it ok to be casual and visit now and then? I can't beat myself up for doing this dinner out. I am feeling vulnerable I guess. :(

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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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How would you like it if you asked him for dinner, then you in front of kids were told things he did not like about you?

What right do we have to do that to someone? I sure would hate it done to me.

Just cuz one is an A does not mean we can do this kind of thing. Even if it is our true feelings at the moment.

One thing about discussing i learned, discuss the issue not the person. That only puts them in a corner and hurts them.

He sure is not going to change just becuz you don't like something about him. What was the goal?



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



Senior Member

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I like your awareness ~ thinking about your motives. I would probably pray and meditate on my motives and on step one. When I slip, and I still do occasionally and start taking my husbands inventory, I am usually getting into stinking thinking that he can "change". The other reasoning is I could have been triggered by some other event that does not even involve him, and I'm trying to get the focus off of me and my inventory...by looking at him and his inventory. Either way I need to do some looking at myself and return to step one. If he changes a thing it's because he wants to....I only need be focused on myself and staying inside my hula hoop.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Good point Debilyn. I will consider what you said. I kept my issues short...luckily I didn't complain the whole time. I think I was looking for him to open up about why he isn't working. We are on such different pathways. I also didn't want to say no to dinner because I knew it would probably create an argument so I was taking the easy way out. But we ended up arguing anyway. I could apologize, but I am always the one that apologizes first. He has said horrible things to me and never makes amends. He usually points the finger back at me. I have to accept I am also powerless over the things my husband does that I don't agree with. Step 1 for me involves more things than just alcohol. Thanks for the insight ladies.

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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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If you believe that your behavior was offensive or hurtful in any way to any member of your family, then an amend is appropriate regardless of what may have occurred in the past or what may occur in the future.  It is only your behavior that matters, not your husbands.  I always know what is right, then my ego starts to mess with meaww



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Paula



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I agree with what PP said, I like to use the slogan " Let it begin with me". I also like what Gandi said...Be the change you wish to see in the world :)

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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive 



~*Service Worker*~

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The waiting games a nightmare, waiting on him to get a job, to work on jobs you consider important, I spent years waiting. While we wait we are watching, the focus is well and truly on him. Hes never going to be perfect, what if he never gets it together the way you want? you could spend a lifetime waiting rather than living your own life. Have you considered putting a time limit on the waiting and watching?

I have found my own recovery is dependant on my own attitude changing, looking at my own defects, what is it in me that needs work, what others are doing or not is really their business. Someone told me that for every finger you point there are 3 pointing back at you, so for everything you find wrong with him theres work to be done on yourself. That keeps me in check when I loose the focus.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I realize I have to stop waiting and watching. It only hurts me. I am powerless over what he does. He has stopped drinking but he is still doing the same stuff he used to do that I can't live with. I am now fully aware that alcohol wasn't the only major problem in our marriage. I am waiting a little while to see about a job because if I file divorce papers I do not want to pay him any support if he refuses to look for work. It's complicated.

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Senior Member

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el-cee wrote:

The waiting games a nightmare, waiting on him to get a job, to work on jobs you consider important, I spent years waiting. While we wait we are watching, the focus is well and truly on him. Hes never going to be perfect, what if he never gets it together the way you want? you could spend a lifetime waiting rather than living your own life. Have you considered putting a time limit on the waiting and watching?

I have found my own recovery is dependant on my own attitude changing, looking at my own defects, what is it in me that needs work, what others are doing or not is really their business. Someone told me that for every finger you point there are 3 pointing back at you, so for everything you find wrong with him theres work to be done on yourself. That keeps me in check when I loose the focus.


 I'm keeping this in my subscriptions ~ this is priceless :)



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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive 



Senior Member

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I know I had hoped that the behaviors would fully go away when my husband stopped drinking. The disease and conditioning is still there minus the alcohol. My husband has made some progress, but just when I think things are going smooth one of us will slip up. I have to own my own stuff as well, we have a lot of peace and serenity now, but I can at times still want to stir the pot. It's never easy and it's almost always complicated. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Newlife Girl.

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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive 



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks karma!

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~*Service Worker*~

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As for the alcohol...Newlife I'm a double and have my own experience and education on alcohol...It is a mind and mood altering chemical...what were you trying to alter?  You have experience with it...you know what it does to you...rely on your experience with the chemical and not with the alcoholic because when you drink it is personal.  I never forgot the affect of my very first drink at the age of nine and then honestly I chased that affect until I stopped...I only had it once and have never forgotten it.  Alcoholism isn't a moral issue...it is not about good or bad, right or wrong...it is about altering.  One of the lessons I learned that really helps my understanding about drinking and its affects on me is that "a good person may do very awful things under the influence that they would never do had they not drank at all".   I'm a good person and most of the things I did under the influence were rarely acceptable and often not understandable.  I stopped for many reasons and all of them we about me.

By the way one of the things it does very very well is "confuse the brain" and it will do that even after a period of detox.

(((((hugs))))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Good Points Jerry and everyone else who shared. I just wanted to add that making amends is not simply about saying " I am sorry" .It is about examining my motives, owning my part in a situation and then changing my attitude about it so that I continuously respond in a healthier manner in the future.

The quote from "As We Understood" says it best:" Making amends isn't just saying I am sorry. It means responding differently from our new understanding"

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Jerry. My sponsor and I talked about this at length yesterday. She is a double winner also. She believes since I am not an alcoholic and I barely drink, it is ok to have a drink once in awhile. I won't beat myself up over it. I didn't drink until I was 21. I have always been a "good girl". I had a really bad 4 days at work and had a drink just to relax. The part I am not proud of is agreeing to go out to eat with my AH. To me it only meant a family night out to eat. To him it ended up meaning I might want to get back together. My sponsor and I examined my motives and part was I felt lonely and wanted him to fix my work issues. My conclusion is I won't be eating out with him anymore. Some day maybe...if he can understand it means nothing more than having dinner with our daughter. Period.

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~*Service Worker*~

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It is natural to seek company when I want my emotions smoothed out and it is natural to do that with those I have relationship and history with.  It is easier than trying with a stranger.  I don't have any power over who thinks what or wants what and am not responsible to or for them...just me.  I also gave off the signals of "come" and "stay away" simultaneously with my alcoholic/addict wife and others...I wasn't sure of myself and my boundaries were not constructed well until I had more practice.  Sometimes my expectations get a bit our of whack also and the program has spiritual safety for me there also...Progress not perfection.  Are you still afraid?  As you keep working your program as suggested that too will leave.  No need to explain your drinking style  my from my experiences.   Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile



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