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Post Info TOPIC: Do I keep my mouth shut or not?


~*Service Worker*~

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Do I keep my mouth shut or not?


I have a very close friend who knows me and my situation well. She is great at giving me her opinion and advice when I need it. but she can't take her own advice! She gives me a lot of praise for what I have done To try and change my life. She has gone to al anon and coda with me a few times but she finds it to be depressing. I understand what she means. Some meetings are more depressing than others. We tend to be a sad and serious group of people. Her husband is an addict. He has periods of time where he stays sober but then when he takes something she gets really upset and comes to me. I try to give her help with the tools I know, but she ends up not getting anywhere. She just argues with him then goes back to acting like there's nothing wrong with him when she talks to me next time. It's frustrating. I honestly don't like her husband. I put up with him because of her. We all take a kick boxing class together and after she tells me how awful he is and what he's done, I don't feel like talking to him at all when we go to class. She also has trouble with her son doing drugs and alcohol here and there. I just find it so odd that a close friend can tell me how to take care of myself yet she doesn't take care of herself in the same way. she won't go to al anon. I know it's not my job to fix her and her family. I find myself being resentful of the time she spends trying to be with her family constantly. She really never wants to have a girls night out with me. It's confusing. Just wanted to know how others would handle this. We tell each other a lot of private things, so after I hear how awful her husband is, I get resentful when she is ok with him again. 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Sometimes people want only to vent, have someone listen but not solve anything for them. Myself, I listen then say do you want me to give you ideas or feed back?

No one has to take advice from anyone,they may tuck it away inside and come back to it later. We do our part by sharing our experience. Like oh Al Anon really has helped me, I go online to....

NO you should, or do this...

Just like an A, a person made sick by someone else's disease,needs to come to the point of getting better themselves. They have to get to a place that they want to go get help. Again we need to detach from their stuff.

She is not ready to make any changes, or reach out, she is not sick of the bad parts of it yet.

hugs!



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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~*Service Worker*~

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I suspect you once had a relationship that consisted of "I bitch about my husband and you bitch about yours" more so... You changed and she hasn't. I don't think there's much to say to her NLG. The program is making you outgrow some people in all likelihood and that is okay. Just remember, there was probably a time when you acted just like her or pretty close right? She is not there yet. Sad, but not your problem and you are also doing things in your life right now that make her issues just too painful for you at this time. Not the type of friendship you need. The up side of all these coworkers and friends grating on you is that you are changing and it is showing in how you feel about others, what you want to talk about, and how much negativity you can stand. Next step will be slowly form a new support network of positive people who are independent and "in the solution" as we say. Detach with love from this lady maybe?

She has your issues as of like a year ago. The most painful time in your life probably. No fun to interact with that. It's okay to distance yourself.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I notice that when I change, the things I did once comfortably are no longer comfortable. Generally, it is what PC says - I've outgrown something or someone that was right for me and me for them for a time. I'm ready for other things and other friends. And truth be told - they probably are, too.
Keep up the good work, sister.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

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I would have to detach with love from my friend. I am too close to my mom, my partner, my great niece and some friends I have grown up with to give any advice or use the tools on. If I do start to tell my mom or others what to do, I find they resent me, as they do not understand the program or want a program. They have to want it for themselves, and none of the people I mentioned want a program or help. Also if I keep giving advice, they will never figure out their own lives. I can give a listening ear occasionally, but not every day. As Pink Chip said above, I had a lot of these relationships with girls I grew up with and my mother, that were not healthy for me to engage in. Some of the relationships with girls I grew up with, I let go of with love and replaced with new friends that want to live the alanon way. My mom is my mom, my great niece, they are family. It's different...but like I said I have boundaries with them..I only listen for so long...They all need to make it on their own or not. Recovery is a choice :) Hugs n blessings :)



-- Edited by karma13 on Monday 21st of July 2014 04:39:27 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks everyone. PC you are a mind reader. I am convinced. Lol. Yes we did a lot of complaining about our husbands. We still do. She tells me how brave and strong I've been to move out. We are best friends so I know I will never cut off contact. Next time she has an issue I will clarify by asking her if she just wants me to listen or actually give her my feedback. She has helped me emotionally. She was one of the significant people in my life that helped me decide to move out. Ironic isn't it? And she still stays in denial and spinning around in the same circle. It's sad. I can decide to only talk about our kids and the class we take together. We encourage each other a lot to keep going to class. I will also try more to widen my circle of friends. I have met some new people at al anon and my new apartment.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Love how you came to your own solution, NLG. Woo Hoo!

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Yes grateful...i think it helps me to put things in writing.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I like the feedback. It always seems to help me hear myself better. Don't know why, but it does.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

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Nice solution :) yay you



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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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biggrinbiggrinbiggrin

 



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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Nice to see everyone's real picture. I don't feel comfortable doing that. But I am glad you guys feel ok doing it.

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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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It sounds like shes in denial but is trying to be helpful and a good friend to you, I dont understand why you would feel resentful, is her advice unwanted? If so, maybe you cant share yourself as you have been. I think your feelings may be revealling more about you than her. When I have felt this way, and I can get like this, its a symptom of my own dis-ease, its intolerance of others, taking others inventory and its usually my own defects reflected back at me. The steps will help.x



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~*Service Worker*~

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Just read the other esh, it could very well be what everyone else has said, that you have moved on. I find it very difficult to let people go so I do tend to turn it on myself and make the chamges within me.x

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~*Service Worker*~

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El cee I guess I wasn't clear. I feel resentful when she asks me for advice (or wants me to listen is more like it)...then when I offer my ESH it seems to do no good. She quickly goes back to denial and thinking her husband is ok. I don't mind her advice to me at all. It's hard when people complain about their spouses a lot but they do nothing about it and they expect you to still socialize with their spouse who has hurt them a lot. I hope I am making more sense.

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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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We are responsible for carrying or sharing the message. The outcome is always in the hands of the listener and their HP. I don't always act right away on e/s/h that I hear or suggestions that are made - especially by my sponsor - but I hear it, take it in, let it cook and act when the time seems right to do it. And sometimes, the e/s/h I share isn't right for the person I'm sharing it with at the time. That doesn't mean I made a mistake in the sharing. It just means that that person isn't ready to receive it or I've missed what it is they are actually meaning and I need to pay closer attention to the person speaking. We are as powerless over other people's hearing and acting on our shares as we are on the disease's affects on us and our loved ones. Expecting that our shares will be acted upon is setting ourselves up for feeling resentful. I have been known to tell somebody that I simply can't listen anymore when the same story goes on and on and on and ask if there is something else we could both enjoy discussing together. It's tricky to do this and I have to be cautious in how I say it and who I say it to and why but I have learned I just don't want to be somebody's continual sounding board on the same thing over and over again. And I don't want others to be my sounding board continually either. It's a merry-go-round ride that goes nowhere for me or for the other.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig

PP


~*Service Worker*~

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Usually, when I say, "what will you do?", the conversation ends.



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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I see a lot of fear in her sharing with you and then taking it away as though everything was all okay. It is okay with her that you make the decision to leave but she can't make that same decision. It is okay for you to have boundaries but she can't make the same decision. I know how she feels. Some times it just spills out and we have to vent but we aren't ready to make "the decision" so we retreat and make believe it is all right with the world. Just stay her friend and don't expect anything. After all, it isn't your decision to make anyway. It is a lot like sharing at a f2f and we say what works for us but we have no idea how it is falling on other's ears and hearts. Do fun things with her and get her mind (and yours) in a happy place. Then you can keep the friendship without wearing out.

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maryjane


~*Service Worker*~

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I agree maryjane. I was just like my friend for many years. She feels stuck. Next time she wants to tell me about her husband, I will ask if she just wants me to listen. It's just frustrating. But I understand her very well. I wish I could get her away from her family and enjoy a girls night out...but I don't think she wants to make the time for that either. Oh well.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Newlife your post fills me with gratitude that I found the program and some how found the way to stay with it.  When I learned about "what is my part in it"  I understood who was responsible for the problems I had in my life and when I learned and accepted that I was powerless I also came to understand that it didn't mean only my alcoholic/addict wife and family.  I am powerless period...I can and will share my recovery with others without expectations that the "get it" and walk it the way I do.  I was taught early on in Al-Anon when I was confused in group to no look at the differences between me and others but the similarities between their stories and my own.  Then I got it...the difference are minute.  Addiction to alcohol and drugs pretty much takes people down the same way...the personalities are different ...some.   
When I watch a person resist my ESH I have to remember that I did the same thing early on before I surrendered absolutely.    Good for you caring its natural for us.  (((((hugs))))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Im trying to learn to accept people as they are right at this moment and love them anyway. I can remember feeling like your friend, being in denial, venting even with me making no changes helped me to understand a little more each time, you are probably helping more than you know. A good night out is not always the answer, my friends would say this to me. I felt patronised, alcohol was an issue for me, it destroyed part of my life so a night of drinking is far from the answer. When living in chaos like she is, a night out with the girls is often another pressure, the pressure is on to be able to relax and have fun, this can be difficult, then theres the feeling of inadequacy because you cant let your hair down.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Elcee I didn't say we would be drinking. She doesn't drink. I barely drink. Going out can simply mean talking and having dinner. That's it. It's hard for us to ever talk privately because our kids are always around. That's my point. Please don't assume when people go out they are always drinking. 



-- Edited by Newlife girl on Wednesday 23rd of July 2014 10:54:15 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Oh, I misread what you said.x

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