The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been thinking about the things that I do to detach.
When I first heard about detachment I thought 'well that is the opposite of what I want, I'm trying to get us back together again aren't I?' Then I did some more reading and realised that detachment could mean emotional detachment as well as physical detachment - well that is how I chose to approach it anyway.
Since we live on the side of a mountain, with few people around, and even fewer who could speak english, I started to do an on-line creative writing course. That helped a lot. If there were tantrums going on at home I would go for a long walk and take my mobile phone with me so that I could call a friend. I would start the day in my veggie garden, weeding and doing small things. In the winter I started to bake our own bread and cakes and made enough mince pies to give them to our neighbours at Christmas time. I started to do patchwork and tapestry. I went to language school to improve my italian. And I picked up paint brushes again. I took up yoga and meditation. I distracted my mind from AH.
Then when things got really unbearable I would get on a plane and go and stay with friends in the UK, sometimes visiting people that I had not seen for quite a long time. Sometimes I needed to storm out - leaving with only one or two days notice. Once I left with no notification at all - just walking through the fields with my suitcase and mobile phone.
Of course spending time with Alanon friends and reading literature is really important for me as well but I think that taking time to detach from the disease has helped me a lot as well. So these are some of the tricks I've used to practice detachment and I would be really interested to hear about what others do if you are up for sharing.
It's been helpful for me to make this list since it turns out that it is not just about getting away from something, this list has also reminded me of some of the new things that I've started to do over the past six years. Feels good.
Hello,
I practice detachment similar to you. At first I thought that meant to just tune out, ignore, place out of my life, shun my AH....now I know it's about now being enmeshed in his active using or his attempt at recovery once again. I have to find things to do that ease my mind, heart and soul as well as expend negative energy. I go on trips at the drop of a hat at times also when I feel like my volcano is going to erupt. Meetings and literature also help.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
I also thought it meant ignoring or being indifferent but the love part helps me remember its about me behaving myself regardless or others, treating everyone in my life with courtesy and respect. I learned that my thinking was defective, my idea of what a mother was and what a wife should be was unhealthy for everyone, I was lost because I was obsessed with my family, control and guilt were the main things that drove me. Detaching has allowed me to break through the defective thought processes and has allowed me and my family freedom from dysfunction.
I detach mentally from insanity caused by this disease by using step 1, I am powerless, this stops me offering advice or judging. Knowing I cant see the big picture and I cant see or know whats good for others stops me jumping into mrs fixit mode. I have taken up yoga, im much more interested in looking after myself these days, I meditate, I connect with friends and family much more, I walk quite a lot. My life has changed so much since alanon. My rome trip was only possible through detaching. Its a gift.
Your detachment sounds amazing to me, I think you have got it.x
El-cee, thank you for your kind words. I must admit that I'm the one that stands back in amazement at you because you are working our programme and understanding it. I feel like I'm sort of living life backwards - I had it, (thanks mum!) but now I feel it slipping! I'm kind of missing a formal education in a way.
I've never thought of the first step as detachment but now you've said it, of course it is. I have used it from time to time to remind myself that AH has his own life to live. I love the fact that you challenged yourself and the reward was Rome!
Linda, I remember feeling so relieved when I was no longer that interested in whether or not AH was drinking! I've definitely got a volcano - what a great way of describing it
I thought I was doing really well at detaching but now I realise that I was ignoring/being indifferent..
Mind you I am still learning to accept the physiological aspect of this disease..I started Al-Anon convinced that it was a defect of character.
Last week, I let my serenity go down the drain...I could have gone out as soon as I realised that the volcano was going to erupt. But doesn't seem fair to me....but I guess, I can also blame my choice of staying...
I still have a long way to go in the programme though.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
In the beginning it was just important to detach and work it backwards for me. I needed to invest time and value into me first before I can give it to others .. I don't know if that makes sense .. I'm dealing with a lot of different trauma issues.
At this point I'm very able to detach however I'm working on detaching without needing to be so forceful. I'm struggling with trying to find a balance between how to deal with someone who is not trustworthy and how do I find acceptable behavior in me. So I'm still really trying to find what works.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am working on detachment. It is hard yet refreshing! I took a trip to France, and this has also inspired me to study French at home. That is something I am doing for myself. I recently had a "crazy" moment--this is when someone in my family says something that makes no sense, but I begin "spiraling" up into a frenzy and become the crazy one. Instead of stewing in it or reacting, I put my shoes on and told myself I was going for a walk. By the time I got halfway around the block, I was feeling more calm...and I was able to take a deep breath and ENJOY myself!! It actually gave me a different perspective because I stopped reacting to my "feelings"....instead, I did something productive (rather than damaging) for myself. This gave me an opportunity to step back and get some perspective on the event--quite a new way for me to operate. With the calm from using up my physical energy, I am able to look at some slogans like...How Important is it? or Do I want to be right or happy? Which one? I can also use some of my prepared sentence responses such as, "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "I trust you'll come to a good solution."
Detachment is the hardest for me to get. i get so wound up in my hurt feelings and the rejection at times it just brings me down. I have to realiize that my AH s not drinking to purposely ignore me or leave me lonely. He has basically told me that. We have basically detached in most areas when he.s driinking such as socialing or even speaking. but it the alone times that get to me. I tend to think too much and get sucked into a blackhole of wishing how it should be. but no more. I am going to move forward through this!
Katarina, you sound as if you are doing well, albeit in really difficult circumstances. I think that we all get caught up in a spiral from time to time and it is great to get outside and enjoy the distractions isn't it? I like the phrases that you practice. Welcome to MIP by the way, this place has really helped me a lot and I love the way that we can all learn from each other. I hope you'll share more with us.
Slowlearner, I've often liked your posts - you are a quick learner as far as I can see. I've talked about how living with AH felt like living next to a blackhole, isn't it funny how we all use the same phrases and words and understand exactly what the other one is talking about
Serenity, I completely understand the need to invest in oneself, it is something that I struggle with sometimes. I love your haircut by the way!
Luiza, sometimes it doesn't feel fair at all, but we do our best with what we've got and I'm learning to accept that I make the choices that I need to make at the time. I can be quite unforgiving of myself sometimes and it really helps me when I can remember that phrase 'progress not perfection'!
I didn't practice detachment with my x, so I have no e/s/h to share on this one. I do have a comment though, MW. Mince pies? I love mince pies! My family won't eat them. They don't believe that the filling is only fruit. They think they really do have meat in them. I'm glad I met another person who likes them, too!
Ha, lol Grateful!!
I have my mum's old recipe book and so I'm making them to the same recipe that she used when I was a little girl - they are fab, with a touch of almond in the pastry!! I'm enjoying showing my italian friends that some of our english recipes are goooood!!
Mmmmmmm, a touch of almond in the pastry! Wow. Now, if I could only make pastry rather than leather than turns brown. But, alas! I've tried and tried. I guess I'll just wait for Thanksgiving and Christmas and buy them from Sara Lee in the frozen section of our groceries. I can make the center okay - but, it doesn't taste as good standing alone as it does baked in pastry.
I want to come hang out with you and practice your detachment activities...they are in line with mine, only I don't live in beautiful Italy. I am Italian, though!
I'm still new to Al-Anon, only been to four meetings since July 5th. I'm living with AH who has no idea he has drinking problem, much less that I'm going to Al-Anon.
I'm really trying to work on detachment.... I like the idea of prepared sentences. Is there a list somewhere of responses to use to not engage in heated discussions with my AH?
I've also begun to learn meditation practices and am looking into yoga classes near me. Had a massage for the first time in forever last week, going to doctor to address my ongoing health issues. It's good to focus on me again.... it's been a while!
I have two kids, Daughter - 19 and son -23 who are both moving into new apartments near their respective colleges 400 miles apart next month. Things are a little chaotic now with their stuff from dorms and past apartments all over..... and I'm learning not to get codependent on arranging all logistics for them. waiting for them to say what and when, etc. Anyway, once they move out, I'll be able to set up a secondary "living room" where I can go to escape when my AH is railing at the TV and I don't want to hear it. He usually acts out later at night and I don't necessarily want to leave at 9 or 10 pm by myself. If it got bad enough, I would though.
Paula, you are very welcome anytime, it would be a treat.
Hello Allicat, sometimes these busy times are good for us, other things to think about apart from our qualifiers!
I had forgotten about massages - they really help a lot don't they .
I've seen a few comments on other posts with good suggestions about comments, but for me there are two approaches. The first is when RAH is complaining or being negative or argumentative. The second is for when things are going well.
For the first I tend to just say 'oh, that must be difficult' and then change the subject.
For the second I compliment RAH on a job well done.
Sometimes when he is winding himself up I simply say 'do you need a hug?'
I find it helpful to try to stay true to myself without being insulting and if I don't feel comfortable engaging, it is ok to simply say 'I can't do this right now' and walk away.
How are the meetings? Are you feeling the benefits?
