The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been re-reading a year's worth of journal entries. With a few exceptions, they're all like groundhog day. The number of times I said (about my AH) "I've finally snapped!", "I'm done," "I'm at the end of my rope," etc., would be funny if it weren't so sad. Every time we have a "good" couple of days, I get amnesia and forget all the pain and misery that took me to the edge. I'm not sure what will ever push me (or inspire me to jump) off that cliff, but I wish something would. When I read this stuff I can really see why *I* need my own recovery. Thank goodness for the help that Al-Anon gives. Maybe Al-Anon will be the parachute I'm looking for.
NL14, the jumping off point usually comes after DOING something different than you have been. Hence, it might be alanon, it might be using the alanon tools....either those will lead to you being detached to the point of being ok with AH regardless of what he's doing, or it will lead to being detached so much that you won't want or need the relationship any more. But yes - Getting to that jumping off point usually involved DOING something different and that could be alanon and/or the new responses it teaches you to deal with him and life in general.
There is that saying "if nothing changes, nothing changes." Well - now you are going to alanon and now you are changing...This will lead somewhere different. Trust your HP and the process and don't be scared if possible no matter where this leads.
Good for you to see that you need your own recovery! I don't know how long you've been going to Al Anon but I can tell you that recovery takes time and working the program takes commitment. I feel like I've been saying the same things you have been and I realize it's because I really haven't been working my program to the best of my ability. I can't tell you how many times I've thought how easy it would be to just let someone else push me, but that would make someone else responsible. I've learned through program that I have to take responsibility for my choices and accept the fact that I am choosing to stay and that I have other choices if I decide to make real changes in my life regarding my future with RAH. Keep working on you, keep focusing on your program, and keep turning the situation over to your HP. You're doing great, we're here for you!!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
