Am I resisting or just confused - Al-Anon Family Group

Flower49 · Senior Member

Am I resisting or just confused

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you had a group of A's standing in your hula hoop and a hubby that is still manipulating. A fun party this does not make! Keep working your recovery and don't let messed up brains influence how you ought to behave. Do you have a sponsor?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

That's why we have the term "Let Go Let God" If he is truly working his program you are kind of on the back burner for now. To try and get involved even if he asks is not a always the best for you. I have learned to keep it simple and not involve myself in any affairs concerning my son. If or when he does interact/involve me I will know if it's sincere on his part or a bunch of BS.

(((( hugs )))

Flower49 · Senior Member

Paula, that is what I was thinking then talked myself into thinking I was just being crazy! I also felt that he was being manipulative as well. I was so terrified and anxious to go visit over there, I got physically sick on my way over, it was definitely not a fun party. I am still trying to get a sponsor, I am not doing good at that....I had one for a minute but it wasn't the right fit.

Flower49 · Senior Member

I struggle always with should I be involved, should I not when he tells me about events or when he asks for me to visit, sometimes currently if he calls I know I cannot handle a conversation with him and I won't answer, then I feel as if I am not being supportive or understanding of his recovery, but at the same time I know I just cannot cope at that minute with a conversation. Sometimes I ask my HP for a magic fairy wand I can wave over myself when trying to make the right choice, as to not mess up my recovery nor his. Actually, reading your post Cathyinaz made me realize something, I too have the choice right now to place him on the back burner in order to find myself and work on me even more.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Flower,

Your husband is too new in recovery to know healthy boundaries. Right now he seems to be embracing some recovery but he is fragile and a codependent mess. If he's still sober and really active in recovery in a few years, he will see how it's not your job to be his cheerleader or to be enmeshed with his recovery. When I first got sober, I thought I needed everyone else in my life to be on board. I don't. It takes a good while to have a program and to understand it's YOUR program and not what you need from everyone else. He doesn't get that yet. Also, these fledgling friendships are important to him, but remember, he is now entering sobriety and his social and emotional functioning are retarded back to the point of when he started using. Likely he's socially and emotionally delayed to the point of teenage functioning. Hence, you are getting feedback from him that rings like "Mom! Why can't you be nicer to my friends. Be a cool mom and not a stuffy mean mom!"

My suggestion is just to see this for what it is, early recovery. He is newly sober, socially retarded, emotionally retarded, still rather selfish - not much clue how to be a man or a responsible husband/worker.... This will take time. Do not take it all so seriously. He is still a BABY in recovery speaking and acting out of a grown man's body. Detach. QTIP. Remember, all his current cohorts are also newly sober self-absorbed addicts so keep expectations of them low too. Your husband may (emphasize "may") grow into more mature friendships, boundaries, communication abilities, general living skills, but it will take much more time. Until then, try hard not to expect a normal husband with normal adult friends because that's not what he's going to be able to be.

I know you have stated that this is a raw deal before and "when does he have to take responsibility?" My answer is that, it may never happen, but if it does, it will take however long it takes depending on the strength of his program and his willingness. Your job is to just proceed with your alanon program, take care of your needs, try and recognize when your AH is projecting his early recovery or ongoing addict BS onto you, detach, and live one day at a time. Unfortunately, it's not like you take the drugs away and they are suddenly mature and capable. It's like growing up all over again. You may or may not want to wait that period out. You may or may not like the sober him either...Focus on you so that when those answers come, you are ready to take care of you.

Flower49 · Senior Member

Pinkchip thanks for the E/S/H. Sometimes I forget about him being new in recovery because as I have stated before this isn't his first rodeo with getting sober. He has 120 days this time around. When I first met him he was at a year. I couldn't agree with you more on being socially and emotionally retarded at this point. I get these are fledgling friendships for him, but these folks in that house are for the most part hard core felons, been through this place a half dozen times and they are not going to be his lifelong friends and it irritates me to listen to the whole mess from him, that is why I don't answer the phone many times when he calls.

Good advice on not taking is all so seriously, but sometimes I do wonder when is anyone going to take this marriage seriously and you are right taking care of me is where I need to focus. I ask myself and HP everyday do I really want to wait this out any longer, honestly also when I was with him on Saturday, I didn't have much feelings of liking him, but I tried to remember he is early on again in recovery so maybe his "pink elephant" syndrome was just annoying and it wasn't really him I don't like.

I will remind myself of keeping expectations of him and the "guys" low and I mean really low, I wanted to tell him just how stupid, selfish, manipulative and immature they sounded saying I have to be more interactive. My gut tells me right now he never really will take responsibility for anything and I think for me I am trying to figure out now, when is the time to stop drop and roll from this firestorm, or do I wait it out longer to see where it goes. I do have a counselor that helps me quite a bit with having plan A, and Plan B which addresses both the staying and going.

Can you tell me what QTIP means?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Quit Taking It Personally. A useful tool to detach because with addicts, you know they try and make it about you when it's about them.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

My husband claimed he began drinking at 14, so the logical part of me asked me (since I had heard the age when a person begins drinking is their emotional age, "Can a marriage work with a 14 year old?" "Do I want to waste anymore of my precious life hoping he will grow up to meet me at my level of maturity?" My answer was "NO" to both questions. So, I told him to move out and stopped most contact with him as I knew he would turn on the addict charm and into the rabbit hole I would go. When he entered into IOP, I was supportive to me, not him. I watched curiously to see what road he would take with his recovery, but my focus was on me and my life. I knew from my years in al anon, his focus needed to be on him and mine on me. If we were meant to be together, I trusted that would be shown to me by my HP. I listened to my HP, my sponsor and in my meetings. I shut out any advice or counsel from anyone that did not have 12 step experience. It kept things as simple as possible. In time, we reunited. He works his recovery and I work my recovery. In our marriage, if it was just me working my recovery, I would not live with him, as I would, once again, be married to a 14 year old and that is kind of icky.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My idea of a good time is not going to visit when I don't want to visit and being subjected to criticism not only by my family member but by their friends, too, after I go. Regardless of his issues, you have your own needs and wants and maybe next time he wants you to visit you can kindly say: "I understand you want me to visit and this time, no." After awhile, that merry-go-round called continual relapse would begin to look like "the rack" to me. I'd dread hopping back on it, too.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Flower49 wrote:
He also proceeded to tell me that the guys in the house made a suggestion that I should be more interactive with them when I visit. Mind you this was the first visit I had over there, I don't know any of them and it feels really awkward. My A also told me that when we had our initial blow up, they all bashed on me and made comments about that I was mean to him, that I don't respect him and on and on....they always play the victim no matter what!

Well, they are all in a halfway house. As PC said, it depends on his strength and the strength of his recovery. My AW did something like that on a Saturday visit I had with her. She pulled me aside and said she couldn't come home to the way it was before. I had to change SOMETHING. I had to change. That was just all there was to it. I was pretty mad and shakey when I left - after all, she was right, but how could I be responsible to make sure she didn't drink ( I was about to start Al Anon in a couple weeks at that point) Her counselor came to her and told her that I'm responsible for my stuff, and she is responsible for hers. AW called me that evening and apologized for dumping everything onto me. So I think she not only had strong counseling, she was willing to listen to it and do something with it.

These guys, on the other hand, sound like a gang of manipulators. Who are they to care what you are like, you aren't there to make them feel better, or interact with them in any way. You aren't there to make your husband feel better, you are there to support him and try to put a life back together, which often enough will end up making him feel worse. And A saying they were all bashing on you - as PC said, still a baby. Is there no kindergarten teacher there to get them to fly right, or is your husband just making it all up? The less energy spent trying to figure that out the better.

And do know that there is nothing you can do to mess up his recovery. He is completely responsible for it. As are you for yours, as you are finding out. If you can't find a sponsor, keep coming back here, you're getting lots of good ESH just on this thread and throughout your AH's rehab and no contact situations etc.

kenny

-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Monday 21st of July 2014 03:44:04 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear One married or not, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. To Thine Own Self be True is so perfect. He is an adult, he needs to take care of himself. Who cares what his pals think. They are very sick people.

We have the right to be who we are, make our own choices. Also we have the right, same as them to be who we are and not change for anyone. WE are who we are! If someone does not like it too bad, not my problem.

No one has the right tell another what to do. I like hearing you are going to look at you not him. Does no good to watch him. But you can grow into someone you really like and love! YOu may find things that make you so happy that do no include him. Marriage is only as precious as two people make it. Not just one. I don't believe in divorce and remarrying until if and when I am free by adultery or death. But I do believe in divorce etc. if I am not happy, abuse, etc.and not remarry till I am free.

This is such a good time for you to stop spending time on him.He is suppose to focus on him too. Heck with tomatoes, they can get their own. He isn't at summer camp...
He is an adult suppose to be working his program.

Anyway it is about YOU. Take care of you. Its very ok!! Then you will see his situation with a clear mind, and some power.

hugs!

Luiza · Senior Member

Lots of amazing ESH here guys!

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think to myself, why would your husband tell you this? What are his motives? Is he trying to upset you or manipulate you to behave in a way that suits him better? Anyway, only you have the power to be upset, I would not give much weight or power to anything anyone says, if these guys are all early recovery then they are probably still talking through their defective thinking to an extent. Your doing great in my eyes.x

Flower49 · Senior Member

Thank you to all of you!!!! I feel so much better that I was not going crazy or losing my mind. Everyone you are right I am not going to visit him to interact and support the guys I am going to support him and begin our healing process. For now for me the best thing is to shut myself off from the crazy house and focus on me. (((HUGS to all of you)))

Flower49 · Senior Member

Thank you Kenny, I really needed to hear that! biggrin

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