Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Feeling Lonely.


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 88
Date:
Feeling Lonely.


I'm feeling lonely today.  I've been married for 26 years and my husband and I live in two separate worlds.  This is because he is an active alcoholic and I chosen to step away from him and take care of myself.  But it would still be nice to have someone to have a conversation with that isn't drunk, to plan vacations or projects together.  On the weekends he goes and does his thing and I try to do mine.  His usually involves visiting friends, going to the bar, and sitting at home drinking.  Mine involves my grown children and my animals and farm.  I don't have any close friends, because I guess I have alienated myself.  I feel really uncomfortable in social situations - and uncomfortable around groups of people.  I always feel judged and lacking.  I can't open up to people-I don't trust them, and if I do somehow I find they manage to hurt me.  I grew up in an alcoholic family and very codependent so it'[s probably something to do with me. 

 

I would be nice to have a romantic evening or just to take a drive and look at the scenery - but not possible as AH is intoxicated by early afternoon, and not much fun to hang around with.  So it's nice to come to this website and feel like I belong.  I envision my future and know that it will continue to be like this unless something changes.  I have changed - I've found Alanon and know that my AH will not change unless he wants to.  I'm getting older and don't want to be alone because I know I could really be the "Old Crazy Cat Lady" the woman who has alot of animals and not many friends.  So I've stopped looking to my AH to provide companionship - now I need to find the strength to develop some friendships of my own.  The thing is also I don't attract healthy relationships, I'm a magnet for needy people, and that doesn't not turn out well for me either.  I need to get healthy myself first.  We live in a small rural area where everyone knows everyone else and has for years - so I always feel like I'm under a microscope.   OK now I'm rambling and off topic but it just feels good to write this down and maybe get a little feedback.  Thanks for listening.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3496
Date:

Hugs .. It is lonely living with active alcoholism and part of the gift of alanon is knowing I can change that part of the deal in terms of creating new relationships and healthy relationships for that matter. Because I have not learned how to attract healthy relationships that is where alanon has helped me a great deal. Learning what works and what doesn't. I have had to stop a couple of relationships because I realized later the toxic nature of them it was hard and painful to loose these two valuable friendships. It is what it is and it's a shame that it came down to that .. however it just is what it is .. and I am still learning and trying to figure things out. I fall down ALL of the time. Getting back up is 1/2 the battle. That's a good thing :O)

LOL .. the crazy cat lady when I was living on the farm I wound up with the feral cats in the area .. LOL. 3 in the house and 5 outside .. it was awful in a lot of ways .. they were good kitties. My mice issue was not bad in the least .. LOL! I'm down to one in the house and she is my old lady .. she's 17 and I just couldn't part with her.

Anyway, it gets better .. I also understand the small town issue I deal with that as well .. you know I think being the outsider of that .. I just adopted the attitude that what other people think of me is just none of my business .. I know my truth .. I know what I have been through .. and I know what I have to look forward to. It helps me to be involved in church .. it also helps me to know that I'm not alone, ... especially when I come here. Glad you are here :)

Hugs S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

Oh my, sister. Of course you feel like you're under a microscope! You are judging you and finding yourself coming up lacking in so many areas. I can't remember if you have a sponsor or not? If not, I hope you find one soon. For today, what might happen if you make an assets and gratitude list? If more negatives pop up in your mind about you as you're making that list, you can thank the thoughts for sharing and then let them go by writing them out on paper and then crumbling it up and throwing it away or by becoming aware that thoughts come and go and we don't have to believe one of them. They are only thoughts and they are not real. We are not our thoughts. We are much, much greater than those.

And you sure do belong here, sister. We're a family who have lived through some pretty awful stuff and are helping each other let go of the past, learn to cherish ourselves today, and recognize that the future is in our HP's hands and we can trust we are being led into a beautiful tomorrow. I'm older. I live with two cats. And I might be a little crazy but then show me somebody who isn't just a little crazy once in awhile. (((SL))) I'm happy to be single. I'm happy to be living with my two cats. I'm even happy to be a little crazy - reminds me I'm human with a few flaws. Thank you for your honest share. I've been there in some ways, too. The program helps us continue to move away from believing that critical committee in our heads.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig

PP


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3964
Date:

You reached out and shared from your heart...what is not to love in you for that?  Hugs...you are never alone and always loved, even when you don't feel lovable.



__________________

Paula



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 33
Date:

((Slowlearner))....I could have written much of this post and just added my name. I just wrote a post yesterday about the same...feeling so lonely. Like you, I am also very shy and find it hard to get out there and meet new people. I have told others, it's not like when we were kids and would make friends just by going to the park or playground where EVERYONE was a new friend. It's so much more difficult when alcoholism is a part of our lives.

This forum has been such a relief for me when I am feeling down about things and just need to know that I truly am not alone. It gives me the hope that things will get better and, even though it might be a slow process, return to more consistent happy days.




-- Edited by LiveLaughLove on Sunday 20th of July 2014 11:38:53 AM

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:

Isolation is the key word here. It takes time to reach out give
And receive. Ah make your life very unnatural in so many ways.
How is he going to treat me in front of others. Will he be insulting
To friend,family, or visitor. It makes you isolate as a pair. For years my dry ah
Was gone 5 days, home for two and we survived the marriage for
18 fairly good years not great but doable. Then our life changed drastically
And he was home every night and our marriage started to unravel.
He was a dry drunk and a king baby that always wanted his own way and
Didnt have to really deal with people.He did not like it very much and became
Very angry and nasty toward me. There was nothing i could do for him. I was
Content with the way things were. I had friends i walked the dog with every day.
Hung out at local library. Pretty much just read at night when he was gone.
He usually called me to check in.i didnt feel lonely or hurt. We did stuff when he
Was home. But we isolated as a normal couple. I did not have much say in our
Joint life.he made the big decisions because he would be hell to live with if it
Wasnt what he wanted to do and would be nasty.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:

HEY!! I don't see a whole lot of friends and have lotsa animals! lol Not a crazy cat lady. had almost thirty once when I had my animal sanctuary...lol

BUT hey its ok to have animals as long as they are not more than you can handle.

So what makes you stay?What do you get out of staying?

I am not into social stuff either. Never went to assemblies when I worked or to the staff room. no thank you. too much going on at once.

Like another member my friends who I know love me, are all married, my family is all gone. I think about volunteering all the time but my disabilities get in the way of that.

YOu might volunteer with your local shelter? Have day camps for a few kids at a time to see the animals. well never mind the A sorta prevents that.....

I live in a small town too. Myself I don't care what anyone thinks. As long as my Father above is proud of me, and I am a good person I just do not care.

My A never went anywhere to drink.I have shared he was so ashamed of it, I never saw him take a drink! he told me later he downed his vodka at the stop sign on his way home. when he left I found bottles everywhere. so very sad.

I am glad you are feeling changes, you still have you in there. Meetings? don't give up on you. believe me you are worth way more than you realize! hugs!



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Slow Learner You have received great support and responses. I want to add that as a result of living with the disease of alcoholism, I too developed all the traits that you just shared.

Attending alanon meetings helped to break the terrible isolation that I felt from living in the disease . When I first began attending meetings, I sat in the back of the room, for over a year. I said hello to a few people, introduced myself when the came and never shared. I left immediately after the meeting ended but I kept coming back because I felt a connection. After a year, I had so immersed myself in the principles of the program and the slogans that one day I asked somebody to be my sponsor, another day I asked if for a few telephone numbers and began to make telephone calls to other members. I had finally restored my self-esteem to a point that I could reach out for help. All these telephone calls and sharing at meetings, helped me to discover the true me that was hiding within. I then got the courage and self-esteem to know how to share with others and how to place principles above personalities.

I urge you to continue showing up and practicing this program. It brings about miracles. There is a sticky at the top of the board that speaks of the promises of Al-Anon they do come true.


__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

Time out from this thread to say cats rule and maybe our purpose in life is to serve them and those who don't may be the crazy ones.
*This message brought to you by The Feline Association for World Domination.

__________________


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 88
Date:

Cats do rule! Lol. That post has made me laugh all day. I have two very beautiful cats myself. But a good friend or two would be nice. Thanks for everyone's words of encouragement it made my day go better. You guys are awesome. I did reach out to an old friend today and just talked, it was great to talk to her and catch up on things. I was driving to work this morning and just decided to turn my day over to my HP - because things were becoming overwhelming and I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. I realize that I can't and don't want to do things all by myself all the time.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

So, sounds like you are a quick study rather than a slowlearner, sister.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:

Slowlearner,

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. My AH and I moved our family long-distance to a smaller town just over a year ago to make a fresh start. Although I should know better being an adult child and married to this man for nearly 15 years now, I thought the change would be good for him and might prompt him to want to make better choices for himself. I had visions of the social life we would create together. But, big surprise, his drinking has only grown worse, and we've fallen back into old patterns of isolation. It's hard b/c we were once best friends, and we can have a good time when he's sober, but then in the next moment he's a different person, and I keeping doing this dance of moving towards and away from him every day. I miss our closeness and often feel completely alone. I don't like social situations, don't trust easily, and have a hard time forming close friendships.  

I belonged to a group up north, but down here it's tough to find meetings that fit with our schedules. And I don't know if I'd feel comfortable anyway since my AH and I work in highly visible jobs at the same place so it would be easy for people to connect the dots. Not that I doubt the anonymity of the program, but he's a relatively high-functioning alcoholic, and I would hate for my need for support to affect people's perceptions of the good work he does.

I'm close with my family, but I do not want them to know how bad it's gotten. I find myself walking around talking about the situation in my head, which I'm realizing is a very one-sided conversation and it's making me a little crazy. So I've decided to come here and reach out.

It seems like you've found some good support here even though you still feel lonely sometimes.  I hope both of us can find the strength and confidence to get out and form relationships separate from our AHs.        



__________________
Michelle E Harrington


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 88
Date:

((Always Hopeful)) Hugs to you. Yes we sound awfully similar. My AH also holds a very visible job and works very hard too. So I too find it hard to attend meetings where no one will no me. I have to drive quite a distance to go to a meeting. My AH is my best friend at times and other times I don't really know him. I think that's the hardest part - I love your analogy of doing this dance all the time. That describes it perfectly. This is a wonderful site to reach out to people for support. It has helped me alot. i can see now where this dance has made me confused, angry and feeling very bad about myself. Because I kept wondering what the matter was with me. But now I realize it's not me - it him and his battle with the bottle. Even with that understanding I find it very hard to deal with at times. That's why when I come here people can understand what I'm talking about, and I don't like I'm the one with the problem. I too hope in time we can both find a few friends that can we can relate to and have fun with.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1887
Date:

I believed for a very long time that I was 'no good" in social situations, I was too awkward for words and also, I felt that anyone I got close to betrayed me anyway so I isolated myself with my A (who, in hindsight, treated me as if I was boring/stupid/lacking AND betrayed me more than anyone else ever has so it's any wonder I felt so low and down on myself!)

I've been slowly working through the al-anon steps and making al-anon a part of my daily life for about a year and I can honestly say that as I learn to care for and value myself, the social fears get less and less and I find it easier and easier to talk to people. I had some really good news today and I hugged the lady who delivered it! A year ago I would have felt too frozen and afraid to hug someone. I'm not judging myself so harshly so i don't assume others are either, perhaps?

Anyway, it gets better.

(((slowlearner)))








__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Hi Slow Learner and Always hopeful I just wanted to point out that many people seek out the support of alanon. Remember the only requirement for membership is if there is a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. No one asks, who is the alcoholic before you can claim a seat in the rooms. In fact, many believe we are our own qualifiers. It is our reaction to the disease that causes us distress. Members whose parents, friends, children, aunts, uncles and siblings are alcoholic seek the support . Al-Anon's 11th tradition points out that we must guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.


With that said, meetings are for us to learn how to keep the focus on ourselves , share our sadness, pain anger, successes without blaming or judging others. That way we can go to any meeting and not worry about revealing your partner's issues.

It takes some time to learn how to do this successfully so that in the beginning, I would share on an Al-Anon tool and how I was using it in my life that day. That reinforce my program and gave a healthy share for the members of the group to process. When I felt comfortable enough I asked someone to be my sponsor and that is person I trusted and share my innermost thoughts.

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 5
Date:

Thank you SlowLearner for your share. I am in a very similar situation....

I live in a small town outside a larger metropolitan area. I don't go to the closest meeting to me as my AH and myself have been active in local grassroots efforts in our area. He is HF.... goes to work everyday, wakes himself up, but drinks nearly every night and all weekend.

I've just discovered Al-Anon and this site and others and feel such a sense of relief that I am not alone. I may be alone in my house, but I can come on the site, go to meetings and learn coping skills.

I've been married 30 years, have seen a few indications of heavy drinking.....it's been happening right in front of me, but had an epiphany a few weeks ago and realized it is responsible for his falling asleep right after work (I thought he was just exhausted), for never remembering what I had told him (I used to think I was crazy and maybe I hadn't really told him things and was instead remembering conversations with my friend), for never being home (I thought it was because he didn't want to be with me as I was always sick/our son graduated and left him alone with me and my daughter/then our daughter graduated and he could go have "guy" time at my brother's "Man Cave")... You name it and I found an excuse for it.

I started reading about alcoholism and al-anon and realized I felt the same way. I was reading my own story.

Anyway, I so appreciate your starting this thread. While I'm so sorry that you're going through this, it's comforting for me to know that I'm not alone either. We may be all over the world, but we're one! Thanks for sharing ideas on how we can comfort ourselves and each other as we choose -- at least for today -- to stay with our AHs.

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.