Relentless coworkers bugging me! - Al-Anon Family Group

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Relentless coworkers bugging me!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Practice means repetition and duplication of what works...that is what I was taught and that is what I found out worked for me. I don't do the drama with my boundary setting because when my drama practice comes up so does my sarcasm and that's when I start doing some power and control skills. I don't like that messy stuff and I don't like relapsing into behaviors I use to get into subconsciously and reactively before and in early program. I like the detachment skills with compassion, empathy and respect. That works best for me and doesn't lessen others standing. When others stat doing things that I feel are infringing on my serenity...I inventory the situation first to find out what my part in it is. If my part is positive and supportive I can continue that or disengage with respect. Practice, practice, practice....(((((hugs))))) smile

blessed · Senior Member

Yes, it does depend on the person. Some people are just nosey. Others feel obligated to ask (care more about themself then you) and then those where your tragedy might actually help them. One thing I learned a long time ago is do not say, "I understand" if in fact you have no clue. I have had this said to me over the years from people that have not gone through what I was going through.

If your testimony can help someone, you will know, and share what needs to be shared in order to bring them hope/comfort. When the right person might say, "I don't know how you do/did it." I can honestly say, "If not for the grace of God, I could not." I have experienced some wonderful things in my life, and I have experienced heart break, abuse, etc. etc. but God has never left me, for a minute. God doesn't move; we do. We have never been promised a life free of trial. Quite the opposite. It is how we deal w/ those things that makes us who we are. We wallow in it, or we overcome. The choice is ours. AlAnon has the tools to help you be an overcomer. The HP has the power to get you there. The more we focus on ourselves and our HP, the more likely we are to climb out of the ditch and reach our moutain top.

You sound like you are handing the co-workers just fine. When asked a question that makes you uncomforable, or you just know isn't their business, BREATH, then say what you mean, mean what you say, and be kind. It might take a few times, but they will get it. :) There are safe places to share, like here where you are not judged, and to just random people that will listen. Choose wisely. I have one good friend where I can just vent for as long as I need to vent, and I know it is safe w/ her. Sometimes she might give a little advice, and other times just say, "I love you." She is also careful not to trash my AH, and says, "He is not the man we know" or something to that effect.

Good share. Keep up the good work. Have a wonderful day.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

NLG:

It is a tough situation and of course no one understands what happens in a marriage other than the two people involved. I think you looking someone in the eye and saying 'It is difficult for me to talk about this' is an excellent answer. If you are pressed beyond that--a smile if possible and silence? Or smile and 'I did just say this was difficult for me?' I agree with the post-er who suggested repetition and practice practice practice.

(((NLG)))

Mary

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It is not unusual for folks to push back when we are changing. Nobody likes change so when someone who has been in our company for a significant amount of time changes, there is an effort for that person by the other or by the group to change back. That is one of the reasons that Al-Anon face to face meetings are helpful to those of us who have entered the program. The resistance of others to us changing can not only feel relentless, it is relentless. Being with our recovery mates can help us continue on the path that our HP has in mind for us. Trying to do it alone - make those changes - invites stiff competition from those who don't want to change because they aren't seeing their gossip or curiosity if that is their motivation for what it is. It feels normal to them because they've been practicing it for years - just like us before we get into Al-Anon recovery. Good for you in sticking to your "no talk about the h" or your choices as to what you are going to do. They can learn to experience your actions rather than to listen to your words that have to do with what truly is your personal business.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I've found that people accept the phrase "I won't talk about it" better than "I don't want to talk about it". No anger or emotion, just a simple statement and go back to work - no, I won't talk about it.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I was going to say what like my heart said.

I took your way as sounding not talk about it right now.

simply said, I will not talk about this at work. Just keep repeating like jer said.

hugs and more hugs!

karma13 · Senior Member

I find that some people will want to test my boundaries, sometimes I may have to repeat my boundary, but only once. I say... I am not willing to talk about that anymore. I really check in with my hp in these situations, because sometimes I might not say anything depending on the situation. I may say excuse me I have to go to the bathroom. It really depends. I hear you have already stated your boundary, I think it's great you redirect and talk about something else. There are no musts. Lol I might even say lovely weather we are having today or looks like it might rain or wow you should see my rose bushes. I always have choices, and I no longer have to be attached to how they feel about my choices. If they come back to me and my marriage a third time after I had redirected, I might say I feel you are disrespecting me by continuing to ask about my marriage, once again, I am not willing to talk about that. Blessings~ you are doing great:)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Many people at work are bored. They love to tune in to drama in the form of relationships and problems people are having to keep themselves entertained rather than share about themselves or have the focus be on their work. I'm sure people knew he had drinking issues and other problems leading up to him getting fired. They knew you two were having problems. Now with him gone it's like this was their favorite TV drama and the whole show got canceled and they were still watching so they are demanding more episodes.

I understand it, but can see how annoying it would get.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

That's right PC. I think people do get bored. Now there's another person on leave of absence and some people are talking about how they think maybe he is drinking again. One coworker told me "yeah, he was gaining weight and shaking a lot. Those are signs of drinking you know." I wanted to say "wow! Really? They are? I had no idea." Lol
But, instead i said nobody knows for sure what's going on with him. All I know is I miss him. This person has seen my husband at the liquor store so I know she know there are issues. I think most people know and they are just wanting to me to tell them what a crazy alcoholic he is. They want dirt. Sad, but true. I started crying at work yesterday. Long story. Can't give details online. I decided to take today off as a mental health day. I can only do so much. Lots of things going on in my life.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I learned in Al-Anon that very often I could and would diminish another in order to inflate my own ego. When I sat before those lessons I was appalled at some of the things I did. I love your affirmation of this person in your office "who appears to be ill". Still learning that. "Let there be no gossip or criticism...." a lesson at the end of our face to face groups. (((((hugs))))) smile

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