I need to pull my finger out... - Al-Anon Family Group

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I need to pull my finger out...

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like you have done all the compromising, and that is a lonely, empty place. The hardest thing in my marriage when my husband was using or not using and not in recovery (the not using/not recovery was worse than the active using, as the behaviors were the same) was the reclusiveness. What I had to offer in way of partnership was rejected. It was a soul sucking way of life for me. I tried talking with him, compromising, making agreements; none of it worked because he was still all tangled up in the crap that comes with the disease. I did not know this, so I tried harder. Al Anon helped me to become untangled; I realized I had to much to live for...the crumbs of connection he offered when he was in the mood started to make me really mad. When I get mad I take action. I know this place...I feel for you, Milkwood.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I just had the re-awareness while coming from taking my wife to the airport; good time to open the mind and let things in...5AM in the morning, dark as hell and no cars on the road, that each and every one of us come to our own awarenesses from our own perspectives and that is how it should be at anyone period of time. I have my own and they are valid for me and also affirming to me. I am not handcuffed to anyone elses perspectives and beliefs and because of that I am free to grow on my own without being stunted by someone elses experiences and personalities and they also with me. I can say I'm doing or going to do something different than that and then go do it. There are many times when we meet in the moment and other times when we shouldn't. Perspective and acceptance of others. When I got into Al-Anon I learned that I put myself thru hell and was responsible for the consequences of my own choices and my alcoholic/addict was not. As Canadian Guy always says she's gonna drink and use...what are you gonna do? When I got off of trying to validate manipulation and control of the "she's gonna" part of that statement the only part left was "what are you gonna do"...the alternative answers to that part of the question are endless and I like that freedom. This morning on the way to the airport I had a moment of thinking that my wife was being unkind and I got myself good with that one because my reaction didn't hurt her at all...just me and then in quietness I accepted another opportunity to accept all of it...the situation...for exactly what it was at that period of time. I did have a moment of relapse and then only the moment and not the entire drama stage play. Thank you God...Al-Anon...MIP and all of the support I have for my sanity. (((((hugs))))) smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, the ball is in your court, MW. It is you who has reached the wall in living with someone from what I've understood you've been saying to have no emotional connection with you. To me, that is like living with a tree. I can like a tree and what it offers, but I can't hold its hand nor can it hold mine when I need to know that I have a human to human connection. I have spent time with professionals who are very good at practicing their skilled techniques. To me, they are like trees. They offer me some of what I need to get a little more clarity on what I need and want and for that I am grateful. But, it has been the professionals who have cried with me when I've gone through some very traumatic experiences who have helped me know I am not alone, that my presence matters to them, and that although they don't take my pain on or try to fix me, they can be empathetic and deeply caring. That is healing. I think I want and need both the thinkers and the feelers in my life to make life worth living for me. If I were dying, I'd call the professional who could provide emotional support and not the one who'd ask me how I felt about it.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you so much.
I really like the 'what are you going to do' approach Jerry and I've used it on smaller things like getting out to see people, improving my language etc but I must admit that I am really struggling to give up and I'm conscious that I am the one rocking the boat. In a way I think that I'm relaxing my guard a bit and that is letting some of my self pity and anger rise to the surface.

Today has been interesting and we have been talking together very honestly. We managed to both stay in the room and get through some painful truths. I'm going to take a holiday.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

geez sounds like there is no compromise, but a sacrifice to stay with him. Big difference.

Only you know if you want to grab your life and run with it and find all the happiness you can.

Even by myself I can find happiness. When I take my trips to the big green city here in Oregon, I listen and talk to people. LOVE it. I do want a mate but so far.....

I liked your post, you sound like you are really using your brain, really looking at hey wait a minute what is making me live like this? Do I really have to?

You said you feel alone anyway. i am telling you to live alone without that negative person is heaven. hugs, keep updating us!!

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi milkwood, you work such a strong program, im In awe of your attitude at times. Im not sure what the answer is. For me, my serenity is compromised when im around alcohol and alcoholics. I can detach with love really well as long as im not tested regularly or I have time to work on myself. I think about my ex and I wont live with him ever again, his isms have a negative effect on me. Hes so black and white that before long I would be shouting and balling about the shades of grey. When I left, I was still sick and acted on instincts, immaturity, irresponsibility as well. I hardly really thought about leaving let alone planned it or thought of the impact, I still found it hard to let go but since I did I have thrived ever since. I dont have the same home comforts, income, security. I own notning of any value, but my life has got so much richer In ways that I feel are way more important to me. My mind is much freer, im free to be the person I am. If you can have a free mind with him then your still free.x

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs, MW. I have no real advice but just wanted you to know that I'll be praying for you, whatever decision you make.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear you Debilyn, and I appreciate your encouragement.

I can see the difference between compromise and sacrifice loud and clear - what a succinct way of putting it, thank you.

Thankfully I do know that I'll be happy on my own, I do things on my own most of the time and I enjoy so much in the world. I'm not sure that I understand what it is that stops me from giving up on 'us' though. I've invested a lot, and I guess that I struggle to think that it is not going to be worth it.

AH is ten months sober. He is beginning to talk about spirituality (something that he has shied away from all his life). He was reading relationship websites this morning which is a big change. He is saying that he wants to engage in counselling. He is paying for the holiday (incredible!). He has answered some of my questions about the affair, something that I needed to hear him do. We have talked about the fact that if we go our separate ways we will survive, that it would be ok, but that we would like to get through this together if we can.

I am much more aware of my needs and I am now asking for my needs to be met. This is a big change in me. I was aware that there wasn't much point in asking for my needs to be considered when AH was drinking but now I think that he can manage to hear me. I'm aware that I don't want to become a bitter person and I am taking steps to refill my resources (hence the holiday for instance). I'm watching my behaviour and moods and am aware that I'm still holding back from the precipice of leaving our marriage. Perhaps I'm not being courageous. Perhaps I'm making lame excuses. I still have a shred of hope left but I maybe being naive. Sometimes my naivety has paid off in the past so my instinct is to see what happens if I indulge it this time.

I agree that living with a negative person is draining. I'm trying to find new ways for us to cope with it.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

On saying I have learned to use is "more will be revealed." That is an okay place to be sometimes and it does not mean you are naive or not courageous.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I so understand my dry ah had to say he wanted a divorce. I kept on trying
To make it work while we were both in recovery. He gave up 3-4 years ago
And refused to try to work on the marriage. Course he didn't come out and
Say that to me. He just was treading water going to 3-4 meetings a week
But never really facing his demons.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Both of you have made progress, MW, from what you have written here. Perhaps you've simply gotten tired of "working on our marriage?" I've experienced that in my own life - working hard on something and getting to the place where I wasn't sure I wanted to do that anymore. Not a bad place to be for me. Ego generally enters into that "working on something" for me. Giving it a rest in the form of going on holiday sounds like a marvelous way to let go, let be, let God, let growth and stop working on "it" whatever it is?

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 20th of July 2014 06:22:57 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds to me like you are exactly where you need to be just for today and you will know the next step as long as you stay awake, aware and in a place of surrender. aww

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

It's really emotionally draining living with an active alcoholic and lonely at times. The answers will come for you. Whether he gives you his answer on Monday or not, some Monday you'll have your answer and know what you want to do. Waiting for them to change is a waste of our time. (((hugs))) TT

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

From your second post, it sounds like you both making progress. You said your husband is in early sobriety. It takes months for a body to even feel better physically after drinking and the mind is in a fog too. Concentration is limited and there's irritability and being edgy. Newly sober people have a lot to face - themselves, their family and friends, things they know they did while drinking, things people tell them they did but they can't remember due to blackouts and all the discomfort that goes with that. One thing my recovering abf pointed out to me was that he felt some of his family still treat and regard him the way they had when he was drinking even though he no longer drinks and is a changed person and continues in AA. I've only known him since he's in recovery but I thought it was an interesting observation.

Listen, I'm not telling you to excuse his past behavior but he may only be beginning to face his past. Just a thought but.. he could even be feeling some shame and embarassment. I hope you both have your meetings and good sponsors for helping each of you as you work through this. Keep coming back. ((hugs)) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 20th of July 2014 08:11:31 PM

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