Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Getting a divorce


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:
Getting a divorce


My dry ah told me tonight who he is going to aa spiritual weekend retreat

with, a friend(staying in room with male)and also a girl he is friends with In AA.

He had put dates on  the calendar but no details. He was hoping to golf and attend

seminars but unsure if he going.as you can imagine the conversation went downhill

from there. He is not interested in working on the marriage, not happy

the last 4-5 years. So i guess we are going for straight divorce not even

separation. Wow! I could feel him being squirrelly lately, i could sense a 

woman. I will try to keep my serenity, the constant hope we could work on

things is over. Tonight we did our usual round for round arguments. The kind that

never go anywhere But hurt each other. We stopped having them a year ago. My heart is very

heavy and hurt. But knowing is almost better than the constant hoping things

will be better and happier Now that he attends aa and me alanon. 

 



-- Edited by Mirandac on Wednesday 16th of July 2014 10:28:57 PM



-- Edited by Mirandac on Wednesday 16th of July 2014 10:33:15 PM

__________________
bud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2071
Date:

(((Mirandac))) This is truly a horrible disease and I'm sorry you're hurting. Please continue to take good care of you. Sending prayers.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

(((M)))

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:

Thank you both i am very heavy hearted. Saying my serenity prayer over and over.



__________________


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 87
Date:

I'm so sorry, Mirandac. My heart goes out to you.

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 268
Date:

Me too Miranda. I finally made the call to my attorney to start the process (appt. tomorrow) and even though I am the one initiating it, it is still very hard and I know how sad you can feel one minute and relieved and hopeful the next. Will be watching for your posts to see how you are doing.   



__________________

"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1133
Date:

((((M))))

I'm sorry I have been there too and understand the heavy heart. You are not alone.  Good that you a working your program for you and know that your HP is there w you too.  Lots of prayers of support to you.

mary



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:

Thank you all. I had found my higher power but i was not listening very well
To him. I did not want to give up my will to him and face what was happening
(Emotional abuse).i have been traumatized and made to feel bad,
With his tone of voice, sarcasm,attitude and he has been dry for 30
Years but not emotionally sober. He has been attending aa for last 2 1/2 years
The abuse just got worse as he was feeling his feelings. Going to aa
And being dry is not the answer to all marital problems with A. They
Need to face themselves honestly and really do something about it.

__________________
PP


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3964
Date:

So true, Mirandac, even though an A gets sober and works recovery, does not mean they will be the people we want them to be.  People can be nasty without substance abuse.  It sounds like you have a strong recovery program and connection to you HP.  It does not take away the hurt, but helps to soothe it by giving us hope that this too shall pass. (((hugs)))



__________________

Paula



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:

Thank you pp


__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:

It's so sad as I am sure you were once in love, and you meant your vows. Sadly with an A, who knows what they remember or do not.

This is definitely when we must take small steps and be kind to ourselves. Divorce is a death, no question. so please soft with you, do what you need to do, and also do nice things for yourself too.

If you have friends and family I hope you can do to them for support and love.

As you go thru the changes and develop your own home,it will be ups and downs of pain. But the pains will come less often over time. Everything will be ok.

I hate to say I remember how it feels, yet I know if I went thru it again I would say omgosh it is so hard and hurts.

If your tummy feels funky, papaya enzyme really works! Please take care of you, do what you can to feel good, I mean keep your basics healthy. Good food, water, naps, feed your spiritual self too.

lotsa hugs, we are here for you, debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:

I told my ah it was not acceptable for him to go away with his girl
Friend looking for an intimate relationship over the weekend. I said you are a married man and
She is divorced.i also threatened to showup at the spiritual retreat weekend. So before i Went back
out to work. He asked if i wanted him to move out and i said
Yes it would be best. So he is gone for now. What a jerk!

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 233
Date:

So sorry. Even when we know something is right, or at best inevitable, it doesn't make it any easier. 

God Bless. 

 

 



__________________

Do the next right thing~

I've never regretted taking the high road. ~



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

((((M))))...You done the best you could with what you had...time to rest and hang with family who understands.  God I'm so glad I never have to do that chasing something that would always out distance me.  I stopped partly because I realized there was no law that said I had to do it and keep doing it.  I also learned a new understanding about my relationship with my spouse, my alcoholic, my family, friends and myself and ultimately my Higher Power...."I love you, I like having you here and I don't need you".  I wasn't born with a list of people I "needed" to take care of and who had the ability, time and facility to take care of themselves.  I bought into a paradigm created by someone who never knew what alcoholism was or how it affected everything it came into contact with.  I could leave just as the alcoholic left...amazing...without feeling guilty or ashamed or less than.  Alcoholism and drug addiction and the stuff that comes with it is a deal breaker and "I don't need it/you" I can go on without it/you very well and I love you.  Rocket science!!  Keep coming back cause this is what works when you work it.    (((((hugs))))) smile



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

Good for you, M. Standing up for yourself and saying no to accepting his inappropriate and self-centered behavior without consequence is a self-honoring choice you have made. You can't change him or his behavior but you can sure see that you are worthy of self-care, respect and dignity. And you have!

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 233
Date:

Jerry, I love your post. Leaving a desperate, insane situation dosn't mean I don't love you. It means this is not healthy for me; you to stay. 

Trying to explain that to a person whose brains cells are deteriorating by the second is just a futile effort. Or to their enablers. I have stopped doing both. 

I am so glad to gleen the wisdom of veteran AlAnoners who walked this road before me. Thank you.

 



__________________

Do the next right thing~

I've never regretted taking the high road. ~



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:

Thank you everyone i just had a good cry after grateful comments.
My boundaries with him were weak, i was always intimated or had
Healthy fear of his tongue. Thank god for alanon tools to give me
Some backbone with him. I had been trying to work on the marriage
But he had checked out and wasn't very interested . He said i
Disparaged his character when i told him he is mean to me.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

Abusers like to blame you and shame you and refuse to hear you. It gets in the way of their self-delusion. Keep on keeping on, sister. He has no hold on you once you recognize your value, your worth and your right to be treated with respect and care - if not by him - by yourself and others. No man and no relationship is worth our self-esteem or our serenity.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 7
Date:

My AH was actually a vicodin addict. He said he was stopping, but please, we all know how that goes. He broke every bit of trust we had with his lies and deceit. I am halfway happy, but like you, Mirancac, I am sad too. This was, I thought, the love of my life, but that all changed when this addiction became too much for a relationship. He destroyed me, emotionally, and the abuse began. I now have a restraining order against him, and know that we are completely done. I have taken him back numerious times, and believe that in his heart of hearts, he thought he would come back as well. I stopped that in it's tracks. I cannot do this to myself nor my son anymore. It's destroying a very loving group of people. He became distant as well, and I suspect that there may be another woman. If so, I don't care like I used to. She can have him. He's a shell of the man he used to be. I am more sad at the loss of what we used to have. You have all my hugs and support. Take care of you!!!

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:

Thank you for you share. It is a horrible journey especially when
There is another woman. It bring out something very primitive in
Me. It makes me too crazy to think about. I already went thru it
Once when he helped another female A in aa. I did not over react
At first i am not a jealous or untrusting person. We never played those
Games most of our marriage. Alot of this behavior started when he got on
Facebook and a whole new world opened up for him. All his adoring fans.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3496
Date:

Mirandac .. big hugs and I have written your post a couple of years ago. I'm soooo sorry for the pain and confusion going on. Mine told me that feelings changed and he had worked on our marriage during that time .. I laughed and remember saying it's kind of hard to work on a marriage as you are abusing alcohol and pills all while sleeping with another woman. That doesn't qualify as working on a marriage. He no longer loved me. Facebook was a HUGE issue in our home .. he just couldn't help himself .. he was also getting into internet porn as well.

Two things I want to share .. first off the original tramp as I refer to her (she wasn't AA, she was a co-worker) is no longer in the picture. People's relationships don't normally survive building their happiness on someone else's unhappiness .. plus .. trust me .. if he lied to me .. he was lying to her as well. I'm sure that all came out in the end. He wound up in the psych ward. It still made me feel crazy I wanted to do things that had that dark fantasy thing about them. I have a LOT of good dark fantasies .. LOL!!! It was the rejection that I really couldn't deal with how was I not good enough for him? I even still have an email that he stated he settled for me. I carry it with me for the purpose if I start going to the fantasy of what if's it reminds me .. I settled for him .. this is what I thought was good enough .. not anymore. Now the irony of this and I have time, distance, alanon and trauma counseling behind me is he's now picked a woman who looks like me. I can say I was the original .. how sick does someone need to be to go back to the original person (I rejected him the last time around)?

The rejection brings me to the second part and at the time I didn't see it .. his rejection was soooo my protection. I am sooo grateful now .. (I have a lot more time than you do right now to have distance and perspective over this and it's a time takes time issue). His leaving opened up a WHOLE BIG world for me! It has been amazing and I really am truly grateful. I still have my dark fantasy moments .. LOL .. one of my good one's now is the kids looking at the new flame and gasping .. OMGOSH .. you look JUST like my MOM!! Dad?! What are you doing?! LOL!!! Yes .. I can dream .. :) It's just a fantasy not a fact. :)

I sooo encourage you to take care of you. Be gentle with yourself, stay in an attitude of gratitude especially now, I remember how vulnerable I felt in the beginning. A-Z gratitude lists were huge. I am thankful for the kids and the time I had to recover from the shock of it all. The kids forced me to get up and go if nothing else to their school and back and I wasn't working which for me at the time was a good thing.

You are not alone I'm so sorry for your pain .. it really will get better .. it just hurts right now and that's ok because it doesn't stay that way.

I DO encourage you to be proactive in getting financials .. something at least that has been true in my case .. for someone who wanted to end the marriage .. my STBAX refuses to follow through on ANYTHING .. so there are financials he has not turned in, I could list the other things .. I just encourage you to protect yourself financially and know your rights .. A's can be mean especially if you cut into their drinking/spending money.

Hugs S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:

People keep saying that about the financials. I talked to my lawyer and i
Think thats why she wants to go for legal separation right now no waiting period. We
Have no fault in my state. We have no children but do have assets and
Debts together. Three things are in his Name only. I saw my lawyer 2 years ago
But did not proceed any further with the financials but we did talk for two hours.

Your ah sounds like mine. This lady looks like me but is thinner, she is blonde from the
Same state and i think same religious upbringing.

Yes he started getting into facebook big time connecting with old girlfriends and also porn
sites and started veiwing porn before having Sex. Things starting going haywire in his brain. And he
had been dry for 28 years then. Its his addictive personality.

Thanks for your share its nice to know others travelled the same path



-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 20th of July 2014 09:18:25 AM

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 113
Date:

I know how deep your sadness is...I left my AH four years ago and we divorced after that. I must tell you that you WILL rediscover your joyful self, but it takes time, so be gentle with yourself. I will share a prayer that I used every day....and still do and somehow it helped me so much. Dear Heavenly Father...may I be enough for myself today, and may today be enough for me. That helped keep me in the present....two things I knew for sure I had..myself and today...You will emerge stronger , better, happier....



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:

Thank you i need to write that on my fridge.

__________________


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 27
Date:

Mirandac, I have gotten a post from you a few days ago, we are going through very similar situations, and I can absolutely relate with the pain and heaviness. I know on paper everything seems logical...husband is with other woman and an addict = divorce, but it is so difficult to do and accomplish. I think it was easier for me to accept the addiction than the betrayal of another woman, that as a personal hit in our marriage and how he valued me. My husband is continuing with this other woman still, while we live apart and the rejection is paralyzing. It seems to take so much from me to just go thru each day. I know, I definitely know that this is a true blessing for me, I know this is God's way of taking care of me snd protecting me from any future pain from my husband, but I find myself basically torturing myself in all I've done for him, and this is what I get......like a dagger! But I know that I am a very special and valuable person, and so are you. Your life has been a road to create you into the person you are now, and because of it you will be able to find joy in the simplest of things.....you are grounded, have depth, are humble and deserve to be surrounded by love.....inside and out. I pray your journey gets milder soon....

__________________

Denys



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:

I hope my new journey is better also.AH announced he wants to move back into the home and
Me move out, because he has a business he runs on the property. He is at
His mothers and is unhappy with that. I said i was waiting for some forms
From lawyer. I would like to move out so i can move on in peace without
Him but we might have to sell the home to split up assets. I dont think he
Thinks he should pay any penalty. If we need to sell i am staying to get the home ready
To sell. Things have been neglected, it will be nice not to clear anything with him.

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.