The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Something that Alanon has given me is the gift of discernment .. I can take what I like and leave the rest. I can choose when I need to take action or just wait. Before Alanon .. I used to feel I had to address EVERYTHING right then .. get an answer whatever .. now it's more like .. hmm .. is this the alcoholic mind talking or really him having a lucid moment, is this something I need to address (I qualify that by asking myself is anyone in danger) if the answer is "no" then I don't need to act.
I also realized I don't have to agree with everyone. What is working for me might not work for someone else. I have had to take some hard actions because of very specific situations and there were safety issues at hand. My qualifier STILL doesn't really get that I mean what I say .. he is fully aware I know how to take action .. after all I'm complicated and he's a simple man .. lol.
It's just going to be what it's going to be and regardless of what I do or don't do .. God has my back and it's already been worked out. I do believe in free will and I do believe that some actions I take will result in getting to the same destination .. it just might be the scenic route.
Something about this delay in the divorce I realize that is God's preparation time .. for what who knows .. I do know He's got a far better plan than I do. Is it frustrating .. Ummm .. YES! That's ok.
I also realize I have a better filter and I am more able to just take a step back and get a perspective check .. I can call my sponsor .. I can come here or I have another site I can go to as well. I struggle in calling my home group people I think that's just because it's a townie thing and there has been some drama. My STBAX's s/mom went to the same group and her and I had a big falling out. I felt highly uncomfortable going and I also knew things about other members I had NO business knowing. I realize now how sick our relationship was and how enmeshed we became over the trauma that happened to the two of us through this particular family. I know things about the family I shouldn't know as well .. gak. Anyway, I think I'm ready to reach back out to the group, maybe it will be fine .. maybe not so much .. she's no longer involved at this point and is choosing to live in denial over what is going on and that's ok .. it's her business.
My business is taking care of me and the kids. It does sadden me from time to time that we are no longer close and it doesn't look like we will be any time soon. It's hard on the kids as they miss seeing her and I know this .. I also know there is some crazy crap going on and I choose not to be involved in that high drama. My life has gotten a LOT more simple since we stopped being in daily contact .. I'm sooo relieved actually. I'm sure she is as well .. it was probably to much information for her to process. She's the only active grandparent and now the kids don't have that going on.
I guess I just felt nostalgic last night and the topic of our meeting was How Alanon Works Pg 35 we just started into that chapter .. it was kind of what I needed to hear. I guess I'm finally gaining some confidence in the choices that I'm making .. they aren't perfect .. they fit my situation perfectly if that makes any sense. No one else has to live with the consequences of my choices except me (of course the kids as well .. you know what I mean). If I'm coming from a place of the highest good of all concerned then it's really all good.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am sooooooo with you on making choices that others might not understand that we have to make anyway. I can remember no one in my corner when I chose to separate from my x and later to divorce him. My Mom said: "Oh, you're just divorcing him because you think there is somebody better for you out there. Nobody wants a washed up woman of 30 with two kids." To be fair, my parents had no idea that I was moving my kids and me away from continual domestic violence and drugs back then except the parish priests who wanted me to rethink my decision and figure out what I was doing that "made him" do drugs and beat me. That was a lonely time for me and it was also a necessary time. It helped me find my Center and do what I didn't want to do but knew I needed to do if I wanted to get my kids away from so much turmoil and threats to their wellbeing.
10 years later, my Mom told me that one of the best choices I could have made was to divorce the x and move on.
I can also relate to your feelings of nostalgia. I loved my FIL and he loved me. It was hard to let go of that relationship. Although I invited my x's parents to stay connected to my children's lives, they were usually only available when my x took them to his parents' home for holidays most often. When my FIL died, I wanted to be at the funeral but decided that it would be inappropriate given the reality of my situation with the x and his on-going abuse in covert and overt ways. It was enough for me to support my kids in their going to Grandpa's funeral. It was necessary for me to understand how difficult it probably was for my in-laws who heard only his side - I feared that knowledge of what he was actually doing to me would be too much for them who were older and left what they knew or didn't know in God's hands.
You are one strong woman, Serenity, and I salute your willingness to seek the answers from inside and to act on what you hear! What you say is all true - No one has to live with the consequences of your choices except you and the children if they choose to mind their own business and do what they think is best for them in this circumstance. Hugs.
One of the hard parts about that "free will" deal is that the other person has it as well. I learned that too in Al-Anon. I also learned that some of us did not have the partnership/relationship we thought we did from the beginning. We were in a dance (or had formed an attachment) with a person "under the influence" and they with us. Often this dance ends when one or the other enters into recovery and the enabler/addict relationship dissolves.
Another thing that I was happy to find is that my recovery is not dependent on the A's recovery (or lack thereof) nor does my happiness depend on the status of any relationship (not even with my children) as any such status is only a section of who I am. I have finally learned to LIVE (rather than just exist) and by so doing the "let Live" seems to now just naturally occur. When we know better, we do better. AL-Anon helps me in both these areas.
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IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
GREAT POST SERENITY
IN ALANON WE DO NOT GIVE ADVISE BECAUSE WE ARE ALL ENCOURGED TO GO INWARD, SEARCH OUT THE "STILL SMALL VOICE WITHIN" AND LEARN TO TRUST THAT GUIDANCE AND ACT ACCORDINGLY.
PLACING PRINCIPLES ABOVE PERSONALITIES AND EXAMINING OUR MOTIVES HELPS TO BUILD OUR SELF ESTEEM AND CONFIDENCE SO THA T WEARE ABLE TO DEVELOP FAITH IN OUR HP AND COURAGE TO ACT--- REGARDLESS OF WHO THINKS WE ARE CORRECT OR AGREES.
