scared new guy - Al-Anon Family Group

elmo7 · Newbie

scared new guy

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Elmo, welcome to MIP. I am so happy that you found us and had the courage and honesty to reach out and share. I do understand how you feel and have been where you are. That is when I found Al-Anon and was determined to use the tools that they offered in order to regain my self-esteem and my ability to enjoy life.

Your spouse is living with a fatal progressive disease over which we are powerless. AA is a program that has been founded to help alcoholics and Al-Anon is a program developed to help those who live with the disease of alcoholism.

Attending Al-Anon I discovered that although I was powerless over the disease, I was not helpless nor hopeless. Al-Anon provided me with face-to-face meetings(which are held in most communities), that helped me to break the isolation caused by living in the disease. These meetings also helped me to connect with others who understood as few others can. It is here that I was given constructive tools to live by and support as I learned to use them.

You are a very young man and deserve to be happy. You are not condemned to a life of misery so I urge you to check out the Al-Anon meetings and attend.

Also keep coming back here and sharing the journey

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Elmo - you came to the right place. My family loves me and their advice was to leave and don't look back, which I couldn't do - the family of Al-anon says to focus on myself and let the consequences of A's actions fall on their shoulders. The power of Al-anon is in the shared experiences, we've all been there in some way, shape, or form so we understand where family doesn't (or might not). The guideline of waiting six-months before making any big changes is sound in that by delving into recovery for yourself, you give yourself time to decide what you need and want to do; it takes the pressure off of making a decision with such finality as divorce/separation.

My A went hunting/camping and was supposed to be gone for ten glorious days, came back on the 8th and said to me, you're not happy to see me and I didn't have the tools or strength to say - well, no, its been peaceful here without you mucking it up! So I understand how nice it is to be away from them and have the pressure of dealing with them gone if only for a little while.

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Elmo,

When I got to the point that you are at now I was wanting to give up, everything that I had been doing and kept on doing over and over was driving me crazy, sometimes the very things we are so frightened of saying and doing are exactly what we need to be doing to help the situation, it's like they make it up to us to keep it going, and my goodness don't we just? doing the opposite to what we have always done to get different results? or doing the same and expecting different, is the crazyness.

I am so glad you popped your head in around here, by this point you already know how difficult it is to deal with this by yourself, well you don't have to, keep reading keep listening and keep sharing, you will be heard here and not judged, and by sharing our own experience and hope we support each other, keep coming back.

regards

Katy

x

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate! I think Al Anon is a great place to start for you. I feel the same way you do but I have the tools to help me cope now. When I first came to Al Anon, I felt like I was on a sinking ship. I'm still with my alcoholic husband but it's been a struggle. I have always been grateful to these message boards and to Al Anon and my sponsor to help get me through!

I don't know what city you live in, but here in Phoenix, we have lots of meetings with a good amount of men and women coming to meetings. One thing you'll learn in these meetings is what we call the three C's.
You didn't Cause it
You can't Cure it
You can't Control it......but you can contribute to it and that's what many of us did before we came to Al Anon. We begged, we pleaded, we pointed out the obvious regarding drinking and driving or the risks to their health, we enabled, we covered for them, we made excuses for them, etc. I do hope you keep coming back. I'm a bit older than you, and now I know I have choices to live my life in a way that is right for ME and that my alcoholic husband can take care of himself if he had to. I stay in my marriage for other reasons, but now I know more about myself and about why I am in the relationship I am in today. Keep coming back!

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been in alanon for a year, and with my Aspouse for almost 23. It's the last 10 yrs that I discovered my spouse has multiple addictions. Before I came to alanon, I was an emotional train wreck, including obsessing whether to stay or not. After this amazing year of growth and becoming happy with myself, I know that eventually I will know whether to go or stay. Right now, I'm still a newbie, and I have a long way to go to erase the message that yrs of lying and abuse have caused. I will continue to recover and I certainly could not have done it alone. Help yourself, and then you can figure out the rest. Lyne

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Elmo,

You just found your new family. We won't replace your family of origin, but we are the family you can talk to about alcoholic relatives. We've all been there, and as you read others' posts about their experiences, there is an eerie similarity between almost all of them.

Getting to Al Anon will give you the tools to be able to answer that important question. I've been there. But before I got to answer, my wife got her 2nd DUI and hit her bottom after 10 days in jail. She said "just tell me what to do and I will do it", and she has followed through since, been sober for over 6 months now. That is when I found Al anon, and even in recovery, Al Anon has given me great tools to recover myself and clear my head and start to see rationally again.

I hope you can get to some meetings, or online meetings here.

Peace
Kenny

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Elmo: Glad you're here. My x and my adult AS both controlled my life to a large degree. I didn't realize it, of course, until I noticed that my thoughts were seldom of me and my wants and needs - only about theirs. Al-Anon helped me in both situations and still helps me. I've learned to make decisions based on my needs and wants more than to allow the disease of alcoholism to manipulate almost my every waking moment. Keep coming back. The program works when we work it.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Elmo

fighting this yourself is a torture chamber.....SO glad you found alanon and this loving room....there are a lot of others who will weigh in on your share, but in the meantime, I hope u can find some alanon meetings in your area, a sponsor to help u with the 12 steps and slogans and the literature...this program literally will be the "porch light" for you to find your inner home...your real self

17 years is a loooong time to fight this and especially alone......if she is not wanting recovery, you're in for a long haul and if you decide to stay, i hope you can work on detachment, which means you can love them but you don't have to wallow in their disease...u can live your life...let her get fired if that is her wish, stop enabling her, covering up for her...let her fall and fall HARD..and MAYBE she will get help....if not?? you can work on you and make sound decisions as to whether this is the road you want to take or not ....

I don't support staying w/ addicts who refuse recovery, but i never tell anyone to leave b/c it is not my right......i left and i will never even date an drinker, user or gambler or sex addict....any addict....nope so maybe if i were you i woudl work my program, get acquainted/make friends with me....let her to her own devices and see where you are at as to staying/leaving.....they say a few months of recovery is in order b4 you make drastic changes, unless, of course, she is a threat of some kind to your safety , etc...

GLAD u found us.....hang with us....read the shares....there are on line meets here too and i love them....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

So glad you found us. Our mip message board is probably one of the safest, moral forum you will find. We honestly share so much and really care about each other.

I invite you to read the "Frequently asked Questions" up on top. That is a great guide for all of us.

Yep know how you feel. We can only take so much. Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew, volume one is an excellent book to help you. YOu will see your situation there and get lots of light bulb moments.

If you work this program, you will get better. As Yoda said, don't try, DO!

Number one is to be true to yourself. Take care of you. She is an adult and can take care of herself. A's love to manipulate people around them to make them feel sorry for them so they will do the A's work.

She is very capable of taking care of her needs and wants and dealing with things. Drinking is only an excuse. It is not about anything. It is the fact she is an addict and that is what they do. If it was stress that makes one drink we would all be drinking!

When we enable their behavior, answering, making excuses for them, we make it all too easy. If they end up in jail, they can figure out how to get out. If they get a dui and car is taken, they can figure out how to get home. When we intervene in anything they can very well do on their own, we take away consequences that might lead them to wanting to go into recovery.

If you choose to leave, we will support you.If you choose to stay we will support you.

The steps are great. We have NO control over anyone but ourselves, their using is none of our business. What they do is not either. Anymore than you don't want someone controlling you, they have that right also. Their disease is their own.

I refused to take my AH to detox or to rehab. After i did a couple times andhe came home the next day, I said no more. He can figure it out.

Anyway hope you keep coming, many miracles will happen if you work the program! hugs!

'

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you kind of feel that what you have been doing over the years has not worked very well...... You are right. Covering up for her makes the disease go further. Doing anything to hide her from her responsibilities to her own life is helping the disease go further.

She has to make her choices to get help or not get help for her disease and you have to respect her right to make those choices. Hopefully she will make choices that help her and kill the disease, but maybe not.

In the meantime, you have to get on with your life. I remember thinking of all the time I put in with thinking about him (my AH), helping him, doing for him..... if only he would think about me just a 1/10 of that, I would be happy. I realized that he didn't think of me at all unless there was something in it for him. I turned down jobs because of something he would say about it. I covered for him. I was humiliated by him. I really needed AlAnon to help me/ make me put some attention on what I want. I couldn't tell you what I wanted on my pizza. I couldn't tell you what my favorite ice cream was. I could tell you all about him, though.

Take care of yourself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.