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My brain told me it would and he would start drinking again, but then it lasted longer than it ever has (though was never completely sober for more than 12 days at a time) so started thinking maybe everyone was wrong he could do it. Last night he came in from playing outside with son and he was smiling, talkative, offered help with dinner, etc. and I thought wow he must have missed us this weekend (kids and I were away as he worked the weekend). A few months ago I probably would have continued thinking that, denial is comforting isn't it?, but I looked closer and recognized signs, he hadn't had as much and wasn't drunk, but he's done this a few times in the past couple weeks. Also wouldn't talk to our son Saturday night, just texted then lied about his phone not working, a sure sign he was drunk. Part of me is relieved, then fear sets in and the what ifs. His parents have also returned from being south for the winter, will be arriving at our house Friday - they drink a lot, they are also overbearing and hard to deal with, my AH deals with it by drinking mid-morning until he passes out. He keeps saying if he can't handle being around them and just having a couple drinks after kids in bed then he will get help. I'm sure that will work for him I'm thinking it's time to ask him to move out, he can figure his stuff out and I can focus on me. We have no relationship at this point, there is no trust, he continues to lie and not just about drinking and yet tells me I should be trusting him now, I've had closer relationships with roommates in the past. If were just separated to start I think he will be open to me setting the visitation and have no overnights (he's admitted he couldn't take care of the baby himself), so many reasons to put this off, financially as I won't be working full time until new school year in september, and it's not as bad as it has been, etc., etc. but then I look at how were existing and don't want to wait, as nothing's going to change. It would be easier if he did start his drinking in full force again to ask him to leave, but that may happen as early as the weekend.
I did wonder - I didn't mention to him that I knew he was drinking the last couple of times - I've read it doesn't help as they are already ashamed etc. and I also thought he would continue his slide and start drinking more and more often, and didn't want to fight, but that seems passive aggressive. Should I mention I know he's been drinking?
I understand your feelings; have been there many times. I would offer that in my experience it didn't make any difference to mention I knew my AH was drinking. What purpose would that serve? You know it to be true, he knows whether he's been drinking or not, so it's just another area where the focus goes away from you and onto what he is or isn't doing.
It is very difficult I know. Keep the focus on yourself and what you need for yourself and your life. I found it so helpful to come here and post and read posts, read the literature, go to meetings, get a sponsor.
I was wondering if you had read the book Getting Them Sober Vol 1? It's a great book that is really about the one who loves the A vs the A so don't let the title fool you.
Whenever I have confronted my STBAX about drinking in the past he lied about it .. it wound up in a fight and didn't do any good. Now .. he's my STBAX and I have filed for divorce .. so my wasn't a oh he got sober and everything is wonderful story .. because he's sober and he's still an ass, ... granted this is early recovery.
It sounds like you have the right attitude and I would only encourage you to pray, if you aren't attending alanon meetings please DO find some in your area if it's possible. Reading, meetings, sponsor .. all of that works .. it's really a great way to go. You deserve to heal and you deserve support. When I left my STBAX had I not had that kind of support I would have been a double train wreck .. it was hard enough as it was .. however it would have been harder yet.
You are not alone and you never know what the future holds going forward. My HP's plan is far better than anything I could imagine even if I don't understand it at the time.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Its not important the he know that you know if he's been drinking or not. That doesn't solve anything.
What's important is what You want. What's important is that you stay the course for yourself and continue your recovery.
Whatever choices you make doesn't affect what the A is going to do. He is either going into recovery or will continue drinking, those are the options.
You have vast choices, you are the lucky one who doesn't have the disease of Alcoholism. He doesn't have many.
Keep coming back , your decisions of whether he goes or stays has nothing to do with your recovery.
I hope you will continue with Alanon and the solutions come.
I don't discuss my ABF's drinking because it puts him in a position to lie to me which just makes me mad. I mean really, did I just fall off the turnip truck? :) The shame, guilt and denial all mush together into something that we (sober folks) cannot understand.
You know what you know so hold your head high and work out what is best for YOU.
Kerry, we all relate to how you are feeling and we relate to that way of thinking. Living with alcoholism made me very confused and I couldn't think straight let alone make decisions that were long lasting and good for me. In my experience there is only one way to get that clarity that you need, go to a meeting, get the literature, start studying. The changes you need will happen for you. There is hope.x
Thank you everyone - I am attending meetings and have read the getting them sober series along with alanon literature.
Think HP sent a clear signal today, AH came home drunk, was home early as he had been at a conference. Watching him holding our baby and seeing fear on her face was enough. For some reason he wants to hold her when he's been drinking, trying to prove he can take care of her or something. Anyways, packed up the kids and left the house. I told him we wouldn't be around him when he was drunk so as I'm getting the kids in car seats, etc. he's yelling, sobbing, and really making it hard to follow through on the boundary. My son is crying and doesn't understand - had told him dad wasn't feeling good and we needed to leave him alone. He was upset already as AH had called him names. So we do leave, turns out he does to though I plead with him not to drive, he's staying at a hotel. Thru texts tonight he continues to deny he was drinking, blames me, (shocker right!!) on and on and on
I feel horrible picturing my sons face as we pulled away and as he cried tonight that dad wasn't home and trying hard to not second guess what I did. He was clearly drinking, all signs were there, and passing out as he sat with the baby (with son yelling in the background at 3:30 in afternoon!) it's really uncomfortable having him be mad at me, I don't allow people to be upset with me I always back down or smooth it over. Can't do that now, he can be mad, it's ok if he's mad at me, and repeat and repeat. It's so hard to change And it would have been easier to just ignore his behavior tonight as we've always done. What will tomorrow bring, feeling sick....
Wow! What a day you've had, Kerry. I do hope that you are able to rest tonight and that the children are sleeping peacefully by now, too. I can relate to not wanting people mad at you - my fear of that came from being abused or tortured when somebody was angry. I've learned to allow myself to be uncomfortable with other's anger, remove myself from the situation if possible, stay calm and listen deeply to the guidance that my healthy self or HP offer me. Learning to stand firm on my behalf came after I stood firm on my kids' behalf. Now that my kids are grown, I'm much better at standing firm on my own behalf without caving or trying to smooth things over. My sponsor has been a big help to me in this, too. I hope you will meet someone that can be a big help to you in guiding you through the steps and being a help to you in situations like this one, too. I'm glad you here and sharing your day with us. I hope you sleep well tonight, too.
Kerry you've done the hard bit now. You have stood up for you and your kids. Take some time to work out your next move. GI've you and the kids time and peace.x
Are you working the steps with a sponsor? LOL .. I'm sooo sorry to put that out there and I only laugh at me for even saying that (I'm ducking from the shoe throw as that would be my response :)) because like you don't have enough going on at the moment .. I do want to give you a great big virtual hug. Please get some face to face support .. this is a BIG deal for you and having someone in your corner to encourage you .. help you grow even in the middle of chaos is a very huge healthy thing.
My experience has been during these times of drama and chaos is to step back, take care of me and the kids, and just be in the moment .. not about him, not about decision making ... just be in the moment. I had to literally shut my phone off and I prayed like I have never prayed before .. it is sooo hard not to engage. Something that AA has actually taught me more than Alanon (I like to learn backwards .. lol) is that talking to a drunk is so not worth the effort. He's going to drive. He's going to do stupid behavior. He's just going to behave like an alcoholic. Then I flip to Alanon and the 3 C's .. whatever happens .. I have to give it to the God of my understanding. He's got a far better plan than I do. I'm not my STBAX's higher power. He's got his own journey to walk and it may be very messy .. it's not up to me to be the conductor of that journey.
As far as kids and the guilt you feel .. he called your son names .. RED FLAG DRUNK .. you are the adult in the situation and as a mother (I feel very strongly about this issue) .. it's my job to protect the kids even if they don't understand what is going on. That's why I'm the parent and they are the kids .. I may not feel strong in my decision making .. they are the best decisions I can make with the given information. How would you feel if your daughter or son was hurt because you decided not to take action and leave? Guilt because of a look on your sons face .. trust me .. them being injured that guilt would far outweigh a look on a face. You are the mom .. you know best .. trust those instincts. I have never been sorry that I have taken action based upon a safety issue. It just is what it is .. my stbax and I are both adults .. young children have no choice and no voice in these situations .. I'm their advocate so because of that I need to be in my best frame of mind.
The single hardest thing I ever did was pressing the power button on my phone and not responding to desperate pleas of the "change back" hooks.
I hope today finds you taking care of you (if it's good for you it's good for everyone .. even the A) .. and doing what is best for you. Alanon gave me the ability to stop apologizing for doing the best I could in a very difficult situation. No one else has to live with the consequences (good or bad) of my choices. It takes baby steps and one day at a time doing the next right thing.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It always amazes me that we keep asking * have you been drinking * when we can see clearly that they have , expecting a practicing alcoholic to be honest is unrealistic and always leaves us disappointed when they lie . Save yourself an argument and just trust what your seeing , and let it go . The only person the A is lying to is himself .. just my opinion Louise
I'm thinking it's time to ask him to move out, he can figure his stuff out and I can focus on me. We have no relationship at this point, there is no trust, he continues to lie and not just about drinking and yet tells me I should be trusting him now, I've had closer relationships with roommates in the past. If were just separated to start I think he will be open to me setting the visitation and have no overnights (he's admitted he couldn't take care of the baby himself), so many reasons to put this off, financially as I won't be working full time until new school year in september, and it's not as bad as it has been, etc., etc. but then I look at how were existing and don't want to wait, as nothing's going to change. It would be easier if he did start his drinking in full force again to ask him to leave, but that may happen as early as the weekend. 