Oh. - Al-Anon Family Group

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You have not failed...stop listening to other people's garbage. Your grandmother lived in a different time with different cultural values being loyal to the secrets of her culture, family, etc. And she wants you to be loyal to those shadows. I only have a few minutes here or I would write more. When I ask people things that I have a hint that might bring me down, I am sabotaging my growth/dimming my life, then I ask myself why? I think you just got a big dollup of shame with a half dozen cherries on top to hide the stench. DO NOT LET IT IN.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

She'll calm down and then you'll be able to explain the difference between AA and alanon. If not, oh well. Why take on all the garbage of a person who misunderstands then refuses to listen to the explanation? I'm sure your grandmother is a sweet person, but maybe too old to grasp these things? Dunno. You did not fail Melly.

You already know that it is in your nature to feel the guilt for OTHER PEOPLES' PROBLEMS. This is another example of you taking on the guilt of someone else not being able to listen, understand and then them flipping it on you....even if it was from someone you didn't expect it from. Other people's sicknesses (alcoholism) and/or in this case old age and maybe mild senility are NOT your fault.

Anyhow, I also would not aspire to be like anyone that "got through" years of being with an alcoholic. I'm sure your grandmother is lovely but the ability to tolerate misery is not really a good thing. I suspect she has a lot of regret and is putting her own spin on all those years wasted. Maybe part of the reason it's still such a hot topic just for you bringing it up.

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

I had a similar conversation with my daughter a few years ago. She got very upset when I mentioned the word 'codependent'. She got very defensive and lashed out at me for daring to suggest she was dependent in any way on her AF. I tried explaining it. Didn't work. I think she is starting to get it now but clearly I am not the best person to explain it to her!

You haven't failed! Keep doing your thing.

1911A1 · Senior Member

Ditto to what everyone else has shared.

You did not fail in any way, shape, form, or fashion. What it sounds like is that you hit a nerve.

Stay true to your recovery. It's the real deal.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

You can love them for who they are and know in your heart what your here for. Like PC said wait and talk later. Send her a clip on what Al-anon is for

((( hugs )))

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Tuesday 22nd of April 2014 08:30:47 AM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a classic example of Step 1 to me, Melly. You are powerless over other people's thoughts, feelings and behaviors no matter how much you love them or they love you. Your grandma's behavior is due to her and is 100% not due to you. Coming to post at the board is turning to a power greater than you who can restore you to sanity - Step 2. Good program work. You aren't lost, Melly. You are growing and you are learning the difference between being with people who understand alcoholism and its affects on loved ones with or without the disease and people who have no recovery program of their own. You can love your grandma and still continue to practice your program as you just did with this post. (((M)))

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

You're right, you can't tell us the ways you have failed because there aren't any ways in which you have failed! I can't write it any better than any of the ES&H above, so I will just say ((Melly))

Kenny

PS OK, one thing - now you have experienced the insanity of the non-recovering co-alcoholic. It's not pretty, and can take down other people just by the ferocity of their emotions. But you are recovering, and have the self-awareness to know better.

Mari1978 · Senior Member

I have recently asked a friend if he had ever tried Alanon. The response was "I'm not an alcoholic!"
I realized after the fact that they misinterpreted it as that I thought they "needed it" and they really did not understand.
If they ask about it further I will gladly RESPOND. The REACTION to the question tells me, although I knew I had great intentions, their perception was entirely different.
Grab the garbage bag and dispose of the stinky smelly stuff that landed on your side of the street. ;)
(((Melly)))

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh indeed Melly!

It is only recently that I have noticed the power of denial (in myself as well as others

).
You've done nothing wrong, no need to feel guilty. In fact I think it is marvellously brave of you to reach out to your grandmother. I can understand why she struggles to engage though - it is a different generation.

As the others say, I would talk about it some other time if I needed to (i.e. if an elephant has come into the room!). When I've been in a similar situation before I tried to take the (often loaded) alcohol references out of the equation in my own thoughts before reframing the question i.e.. how would the conversation have gone if you had asked your grandmother 'did you ever go to a gym?' It's not that different a question really - and yet by changing the subject I find that it makes it easier for me to see what is really being reacted to. I think that we have grown to love and be comfortable in Alanon, we understand what it stands for and we don't really fear talking about it. I know that if my grandmother had been in my situation she would probably have felt that talking about Alanon was akin to talking about one's health or bank balance! She just would not have gone there with anyone. Does any of this make sense?? Short answer might be better - IMHO this is not your problem lovely lady! ((((hugs)))))

Beatrice · Senior Member

Just a case of being uninformed, not everyone is open to everything, even people as close as our Grandmother's.
Bettina

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Shes showing you how affected she is, this is her sick thinking and its sad but your powerless over alcoholism, all of it. What have you failed at? Your relationship with your a or your gran? This thinking is also part of it. You are powerless, you are only one person. You cant change anyone but you.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I meant no ill thoughts of your grandmother.....she is who she is and does what she does. The bond and love for you remains intact and you can rest in what she is able to give.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

All you can do Melly is show her you living your life better now, better life, better future, working your life, regaining your own self that has been lost. Some day she MIGHT, after observing the real changes in you and how much more together, adult and happy you have become, she might actually ask - how did you ......? Only when someone ASKS us and really wants to know the answer, will they be ready to hear what we have to say. I would say that before my own experiences with mr maniac I probably shrugged al-anon off. I recently had a few conversations with a friend who was going through DUI diversion and she asked me questions, listened to the answers and now we discuss alcoholism and addiction when the need arises, but its HER need that drives the desire to hear, not my WANT to bring her to recovery (hey, I couldn't make her want recovery, imagine that?)

Curious though, what made you ask her that question?

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, I wanted to tell people I knew about this great discovery I'd made, this "thing" that gave me a different outlook on life and the ability to accept "it is what it is" as a motto to live by. I was shown through their angry denials the meaning of the statement - you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

AA's have a saying *contempt prior to investigation * like your grandmother a lot of people think Al-Anon is AA . forgive her ignorance and let it go . Just my opinion . Louise

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Some people who do not understand find it offensive, hopefully you can try to explain what al-anon is to her to help her understand it. At the same time living with alcoholism does things to us and over years I am sure she has been greatly affected. Sending you love and support!

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