The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am knew to this. My grandfathers were both Alcoholics but my parents were not. But I have heard alot from them what they went through as kids. But they seem to have worked through it. My husband is an ACOA his father drank alot when he was growing up and is starting to drink again. My husband has never dealt with his feelings about this and holds it all in and it comes out at times as anger and usually I get the anger. He is very quick to tell me all the things I do wrong and I am suppose to just take it. Its getting to the point where I cant anymore. I have two boys one will be 5 soon and the other 2. I grew up never hearing my parents fight or yell and I hate that they hear their dad yelling, I see the fear in them. I work in the field of addiction and its easier to talk to others but when its your own problem its hard. So not sure what to do and just looking for some advice or direction. Thanks !
Aloha Spouse and welcome to the board...this is one step to learning and teaching and I am glad you are here. I relate in part to this post both prior to recovery and now after. I am the grand child/child/spouse of this incurable disease. Just this last Saturday I relapsed into ranting about that which I cannot change (way in the past) and that which I have no power over present crap I can leave lay or turn over to my Higher Power and choose not to. My spouse and family get to pay in my rants and I get to make apologies and amends after I calm down and inventory "my stuff". Not only the drinkers and users suffer in alcoholism and drug addiction, the family suffers a lot and also become carriers of this disease wherever they go. Sounds like your spouse is "carrying" I'm a former alcoholism and substance abuse therapist myself and so grateful for the education and work experience however that helps me understand I still have to primarily understand "my part in it" also.
So
What helped me tons back then and still now is the Al-Anon Family Groups for those who have been affected by someone else's drinking and using or in your case affected by someone who has be affected. You're qualified and the hotline number for meetings in your area is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Get the number and call to find out where and when we get together in your area and then come early. You don' t and won't have to talk...fact therapist learn more from listening open mindedly right? Take an open mind and listen. Listen for the similarity in the shares in the room to your own. Get literature and talk to others and come back here. We try to keep each other safe and sane here...we are the MIP family. You're home...Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Jerry thanks so much for your response. Yes I will look into meetings in the area. For so long I have thought about it but made excuses why not to. Like he will snap out of it, I am a counselor I should be able to get through this. But reality is he is not snapping out of it and I can't help myself. So today is my first step towards working on this and working on me.
I have walked on egg shells so long and no longer express my feelings and need to look at how I have taken part in this myself...so hopefully taking these steps will be the start of me doing so. It took a while for me to realize I am not stupid....etc
Thanks Again !
No girl you're not stupid...you're human and the diseases of addiction can have us for lunch in a second. One reason is that we are helpers and approach those who look like they need help without caution...My own alcoholism counselor and my sponsor once told me that "to be a good counselor you must have a good counselor" and I had masters. Keep coming back its okay to let others help fix us. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 21st of April 2014 11:45:52 PM
There are several of us here that counsel others...when we learn how to participate in radical self care we become conduits of ESH (experience, strength and hope) for others. For me, al anon helped to transform and empower me, allowing me to serve others from a cup that is full. I tried to give from an empty cup for many many years and was exhausted. As we say in al anon, keep coming back, it works if you work it and you are worth it.
Have you talked to your husband about codependents Anonymous,, Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous, or A l anon ? I have no history of alcoholism in my family, but family -dysfunction caused me to become very codependent. I carried a huge amount of anger until I finally gave myself permission to feel it. Al anon gave me the courage and understanding to do that. I walked around angry for years denying that I could feel a "bad" emotion like anger. Meanwhile, myfamily wondered why I was so pissed off all the time!
Kenny he walks around angry all the time the littlest things can set him off . Sometimes I have no idea where it comes from and why. Many times I have to remind myself it's not really me because most times it's directed at me. Whenever I bring it up he denies it or says I do things to make him that way. He is not ready for help and growing up he was told not to talk about it and still has that mindset. His sister sees how it affects her and her relationships has gone to therapy and alanon ..... He is not there yet unfortunately
Just like anybody else, he will have to hit his bottom I guess. My bottom was when my AW went to jail for 10 days. She finally got into serious recovery, and I decided I wasn't going to screw that up, so I had to find something to make it work. Al Anon was it. My wife still thinks I go to Al anon for her, but it's for me.
As Jerry said, you are qualified for Alanon. Going for yourself will give you tools to deal both with alcoholics in your life. If you husband sees you dealing with the other people in his family differently, that could help. My AW and I both deal with our families differently now, and that has been a blessing.
I work in the field of addiction and its easier to talk to others but when its your own problem its hard. So not sure what to do and just looking for some advice or direction. Thanks !
