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I can not help but feel resposible for my husband arrest . I was not feeling safe I left my house to go to a hotel no one new about. I was only going for the day to get my head cleared pray to my higher power for help . I was feeling unsure weather to bite the bullet and take my AH back home. Until he followed me to another state . He has violations against him and felony charges. I think if he did find me at the hotel who knows what he might of done. But then I think if I never went there he would not be in jail right now . He has placed so much guilt on me and pity that I'm back to step 1 just when I thought I was getting healthy I keep looking at his sad textes of him crying and begging me to give him another chance. But I done that so many time . I have no idea what to tell my children where there dad is . My prays are not enought for me . The last thing he said to me well I did this for you I got sober and now your leaving me . Why did I stop drinking he wished he never did and blamed me for this out come . I'm having such a hard time to let this go I'm back to thinking it all my fault
Dear Wisdom I am so sorry that you are feeling so very sad, confused and responsible for a loved ones behavior. Living with the disease of alcoholism and attempting to understand the insanity of this disease, we inadvertently develop self destructive tools to try to remain sane and live life responsibly.
Assuming responsibility for everyone's action is one of those erroneous beliefs that cause us undue pain and frustrations.Remembering alanon philosophy and principals is the most important action we can take in order to make sure our lives and family are safe and provided for. In this instance, you took care of yourself .
Your husband acted and broke the law-- for that he must pay the consequences . Remember you did not force him to act and that you are powerless over him.
Please, please keep the focus on yourself, pray, know that HP is with you and that you are responsible for your actions. You can share with the children that dad is sick and needs treatment
I understand how you feel. Let me give you another option to consider...perhaps your actions saved a life...maybe his, maybe yours or maybe one of your children. Look at this from different perspectives and in the bigger picture. Perhaps you are a hero and not a villain. I wish you peace tonight you dear woman.
He had people to reach out to. He could have worked his AA program. He chose not to. He let his program slide. Not your fault regardless of anything you said or did. Besides, he didn't get sober for you. That's just him trying to guilt you. Easy does it.
Change is hard Wisdom and it often takes time and much practice to make the changes or the better changes which result in better outcomes. We keep working it until it keeps working for us; we arrive at solution and our minds, bodies, spirits and emotions heal and become more useful, valuable as HP intended. You're working on and at change for the outcomes you want and need and are able to. You can realistically only be responsible for your part in it and not his. That is real and that is honest. Continue to do your part with out second guessing yourself and let God have the rest. I'm sure you are not a horrible person which intentionally does hurtful things toward anyone else. (((((hugs)))))
Sadly none of us can make another person do anything. If we could make them do what we wanted, we'd make them be sober and healthy, wouldn't we? So his decisions as to where to go and what choices to make were entirely his responsibility. Being arrested can be the first step people have toward healthier lives. It may take ten more times, it may take a hundred, but he's receiving the feedback he needs about whether he's making good choices. Protecting him from the feedback just lets him get deeper into the disease. So you have done not only the right thing for you, but the right thing for him.
Another thing to realize is that alcoholics will do almost anything to get out of the consequences of their actions. They will beg, plead, make promises, lie, manipulate, steal, deceive, cry ... anything, anything, to get others to take back the consequences. That's how they operate and keep the disease going. You're not fighting your alcoholic -- you're fighting the disease. It will go through anything to try to protect itself. Don't believe its false promises! Hang in there. Take very good care of yourself!
Hi wisdom, I love what pp said, and I think itsmhow you choose to look at it. You are a hero not a villian. To be honest I think this crisis, although hard to face, is what everyone needs. Hes safe and sound and he may get help. You and your kids get some much needed calm and peace. From your previous posts I think your husband was luck to stay out of jail as long as he did. His behaviour was not caused by you, he made choices with his own mind. You dont have the power for mind control.
I hope you and the kids getnsome much needed peace.x
I was 500 miles away from home when my wife got her 2nd DUI . I had to accept my powerlessness when I got a call from the principal at my son's school telling me that my AW had been arrested in front of the school while attempting to pick our son up With a BAC of 0.25 . This point was where she finally hit bottom she has been in recovery ever since.
Perhaps this will be your husband's bottom . Perhaps he will finally accept his own powerlessness and go into real recovery. But it is his to own, your part now to focus on you and your family.
I had no choice but to tell our son since he was at the scene of the arrest. He handled it well. He was upsetofcourse , but it explained a lot of other things to him that had ban going on, and he actually gained some serenity from knowing.
I can relate! You've received great responses. It can be difficult to not get hooked into feelings of guilt because underneath it all we would want things to be very different from how they are. You cannot and did not make someone else do anything. He needs to get sober for himself and not for you- his words are saturated with manipulation and distorted thinking. The disease will do its best to slime out of any responsibility or consequence but the distortions are not facts. I have come to think that it is an intervention from their HP when they are pinned to consequences of their own actions and this may be a necessary step towards something better. No consequences are unlimited horizons for the disease to expand and grow. This is when I find it helpful to do gratitude and asset lists and focus on the next right thing for myself.
Step 1 is a blessing that I revisit often and no longer think of it as a step backwards, but more of a launching point for something more positive. Please be gentle with you!
Keep things very simple and honest for the children has worked for me.
I've found it helpful to remember what people in Alanon have told me when I've felt responsible for the outcomes of others. I'm not that powerful. Could a loving god be doing for each of you what you can't do for yourselves? Try to hold the 3 Cs close to your heart as you go through this - I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Some lessons in letting go and letting god are tougher than others but trust. As far as the kids, sending you prayers that with your higher power's guidance you'll find the right words. If they're still little, you may just tell them dad is sick and went somewhere to get better. Keep sharing and recovering with us. ((((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I can remember a time when I wouldn't follow through on letting the courts know that my x wasn't paying support. I was afraid he'd go to jail and something horrible would happen to him and it would be all my fault. Thank heavens that passed for me. I decided that I was responsible for my children and what was in their best interest. Telling the courts the truth was my job otherwise I was standing between my kids eating and him growing up. I was responsible for doing my part but the outcome was not in my hands. My x chose not to pay support. He knew what the consequences might be if he failed to pay child support. He decided to risk it. If he ended up in jail because of it - that was on him. If my kids went hungry because I chose not to follow through on being honest with the courts about my needing their help in obtaining support, that was on me. In the end - the x didn't go to jail, but his wages were garnished and my kids got some of the support my x owed them. His abuse of me was a longer ordeal than necessary way back then because I also feared his going to jail then. I forgot that I counted and that my well-being was important. Later, I asked for help with that, too and he never bothered me again because I had stopped trying to protect him and chose to protect myself instead. He got smart then. He decided not to take a chance and hurt me again. My father and seven brothers reminded him I wasn't alone.
If your AH is in jail because he's broken the law, then he knew the consequences for breaking it and was willing to take that chance. If he is abusive to you or threatening in anyway, then your choosing to protect yourself by informing the police of his behavior is being responsible for yourself. The results of that choice on your part and on his becomes an issue for the police and the courts then.
Well my AH has been out of jail for 5 hours and already sent me 3 texted . Can some one explain to me what is rock bottom for the sober AH ? And the shoe dropping thank you .
You won't know what his bottom is until he finds it. And more likely after he finds it. Keep pushing through. If you don't want to hear from him, block texts and don't answer phone. I suffered from many of the same problems until I realized that I had much more control over the situation than I thought. Restraining orders and 911 calls will keep him away, especially if you are scared.
Wisdom As Kenny suggested,you may never know his "Rock Bottom"-- for some it is death. Remember we too have a "rock bottom "and for us it can be death as well.
Please continue to take care of yourself . Blocking calls, not answering texts, calling 911, contacting a women's shelter, posting here, attending meetings are all important steps in your recovery.
Well I can't shut phone off or block it because it's the only access line I have . He shut off the the house phone so the court states he can contact me to talk to the children but not to have conversation with me about anything. All I want is to work my program and not take a step back . My goal Is to get healthy enough for me to be able to move on and try not to fall back into the spill . I try not to look at everyone who drinks are alcoholics I don't want to label anyone. But I don't want to be in there company is that mean of me .
Can you get another phone that is for personal calls and only give out the number to people you trust? That way he can call you on what would be your "business line" only. I'm not into cellphones, but I do have two trac phones with prepaid minutes. One is for business and people I don't want to talk with often and the other is for personal. It's cheap and handy to have both. It might be possible to get a landline in your name depending on the financial situation through what is called the Obama phone plan.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 23rd of April 2014 07:08:07 PM
Well today I'm grateful for waking up to start a new chapter. Not much has changed AH is still out of jail and I need to correct something that was brought to my attention from AH who reads everything of mine . I was told he had a fellon from one if the police officers and I ment to say the town over from mine and I said state. And my AH pointed that out to me. Well his brother posted bail and a bond man to get my AH out of jail until the next court hearing which is in 2 weeks. The children went to visit my brother in law the one who bailed my AH out . Wouldn't you know he started to text me again , trying to make a reason to get in the house .. I can not believe how sick he is and determined to be near me . He doesn't understand what stay away means . I don't know if my AH knows he is this sick and can't seam to stay away from me so maybe he wants me to put him in jail to break this obsession or his he just plain dumb . Not only do I have him to escape from but now I have a very high active mean AM-inlaw on my case from the south now she sticks up for her son who's he denied was his .. When I meet ppl today first thing I ask them ! DO YOU DRINK ! If they say just sociable I RUN now because I'm no hero I can't save anyone . I' stop picking up ppl that I would love to fix if I new how . But I don't so I just say well it's nice to meet you and walk away with a deep sigh of relief . For me to get better not only did I have to empty the bottle but I tossed it out so it can be completely gone . That's all I can do , is take care of me and children . No room for liquid
Thank you for the update I too run the other way when I find people who "Drink':)
Recovery is a process and it is a pleasure to witness your journey,
Keep on taking care of you.
Here is a quote that helped me.
"We can act ourselves into right thinking easier than we can think ourselves into right acting".ANON
