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A pity party and now I am hung over. It occurred to me to shut the hell up and then there was some news about how my family is "coming along" (that isn't about a success story...not in this disease) and that fueled my oration...motivation. Crap!! that voice in my head which was suggesting "Shut the hell up" might have been my Higher Power or some representative and then I didn't listen. I use to think my reruns of what it use to be like were stunning, captivating oration with perfectly placed drama and historic (histeric) chaos and crises. Actually it is a retelling of tragic personal loss which I have not come to accept.
Getting back into the story is like a drinking relapse especially if one of the others there also remembers some of the history. In this case the other was my youngest son and my daughter-in-law and grand-daughters and reviewing the family history of alcoholism and drug abuse and what was said and done and who was connected to who and what were the consequences and how are they doing today etc...blah, blah, blah burb barf ends up with this hangover. I know how to stop and I didn't I overrode the compulsion and now I'm sick...mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Physically? I've got some great chocolate cake with a killer tofu/dark chocolate frosting to obsess over and then I'm gonna pray first for my absolutely totally screwed up family...both sides, maternal and paternal. I talked myself away from acceptance and have a renewed burning resentment which I might actually do...write the resentment down on a piece of paper and go burn it...away from the house for safety sake.
I should be doing self compassion empathy and forgiveness however I am number one on the resentment list because most of the others are already dead and or dying from this life threatening disease. I may need to put God on the list also because long long ago I told HP "I don't wanna be here"...didn't happen...I'm here and tonight deeply here.
"This too will pass....now would be good" and there is a lesson I skipped over that I should have then or should be now practicing, practicing, practicing. Freaking dissertation of "My life in the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction" is as toxic as the chemicals. "How important is it"? Should have thought/asked that question before I brought out the family album.
Now I gotta ask...How have you handled this...what do you do? Mahalo ((((()))))
((((Jerry)))) like some very wise people on here (like you) have told me, Be Gentle on Yourself! I never knew my family and used to feel so alone. I didn't understand why my mother used to say "No one can drag you down like family," I didn't know of all the dysfunction she left behind. The beautiful thing here is you have your MIP family and we love you! Lots of (((hugs))) your way;)!!
I'm sorry but I have to edit this, it's hard for me to keep my train of thought because the window is so small on my phone...isn't that they way our thinking can get sometimes in life? We only focus on the nearby, instead of pulling back and seeing the big picture. I was thinking that perhaps after a good night's sleep things could look brighter in the morning.
More hugs to you!
-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Sunday 20th of April 2014 01:56:42 AM
((((((Hugs))))))) Jerry!
It happens! We have a lot of memories and they don't dissolve but sometimes I think that they teach us, methinks anyway!
How have I handled it? Lots of different ways, not all of them good
The best is when I join my friend mother nature for a while - usually she has me smiling and forgetting myself within five minutes.
The best result comes when I ask myself what do I need for me, and then go do it. When I go to bed after that one I feel the quiet pride and pleasure of my ancestors as I've turned something negative around (their pictures are smiling at me on my bedside table). (PS. Since my photographs are inanimate objects I guess I'm just taking a bit of pride in myself really )
Thank you both for the feedback...it softens my spirit and I did have another piece of cake only not the chocolate (saving it). I like the metaphor of the phone window and the smallness of our(my) thinking. I can work the perception of that and have it help...it fits. I've lapsed in memory also Milkwood because Mother Nature is also great solace and entertainment for me. I have another morning meeting next to the ocean and I will get there early so I can sit and listen and learn. Again mahalo to you both...this family is different than what I was raised in. Thank you HP. ((((hugs))))
Just imagining you sitting by that rolling ocean and listening to the whispers of the breeze (I haven't checked the weather forecast - hope no hurricanes today!!)
Good morning, I love the wisdom here and how the yummy stuff is tucked into the stories (chocolate cake, the ocean). How do I handle? I do what you did, bring the experience into the light before trusted ears, ask God for the wisdom, as nothing happens without Gods allowance, and listen for the answer. The wisdom always shows up. I hope your morning sit with the ocean was reviving.
I haven't had experience with this, Jerry, so I can't offer any e/s/h. I can say that I am learning to leave the past in the past and build on the good of today or the next minute or the next moment. I'm learning that rehashing doesn't help anything and that I am free to be human and messy rather than superhuman and a programmed computer or subhuman and a shadow of my true self. Happy Easter, Jerry! The abundant blessings in your life sparkle on your thread and in the responses you've received.
((Dear Jerry))) Listening to that still small voice within is so important for my sanity and well being. I do understand the use of the " over ride code" and occasionally use it to my detriment. I hear you and so understand. Being gentle with yourself, sharing your pain, as you did, getting to a meeting ( by the ocean) helps. Please know you are not alone and that you are learning a very painful lesson
I to think you know how VERY VERY hard it is to shut the hell up when you are so wanting your son to "GET IT" Your mind is telling you to stop but you can't because you know what the right way is and you say to yourself.....just one more time.....only to find out it did no good. It only put you in a state of anger and sadness all rolled into one big rotten party.
All I can do is know what happened is nothing new and it will pass like many many times before. I can forgive myself, let go again and pray for peace and help for my son.
Now you know why you always tell everyone...practice, practice and more practice because not one of us are immune to this disease. It will get us every time.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Oh phew! I understand that feeling of finding yourself ambushed by dysfunctional family history 'facts'. It is VERY unsettling and knocks me off center too. Things certainly do look scary and end-of-the-worldish late at night. Most of the time I am able to make a deal with myself, if I find myself ruminating in the dark, that I can obsess about all this stuff to my heart's content IN THE MORNING, just not late at night. I have to tell myself "Yes, it's horrible. Yes it's unfair. You were wronged. You did wrong. It's all out there. It happened. Now stop thinking about it til after breakfast". I then try to replace the ruminating with what Cathy mentioned as praying for peace. It works better for me than saying "Don't ever think these things! They are wrong!", because I am still acknowledging my feelings by promising myself the opportunity to hash it out during daylight hours next day. I'm much kinder to myself during daylight hours, for some reason.
The facts, terrible behavior, lies, manipulations, violence, abuse were all a reality, so I do need to acknowledge them, but it's like they say about people with psychological trauma - that they are better off revisiting it within a safe environment (counseling session, therapy, etc.).
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Sunday 20th of April 2014 10:33:18 AM
This is home...this is where love and compassion live amid the wisdoms and experiences of the "others" in my life; the "others" who carry the blessings and care from my Higher Power. "Others" are angels and to come here before my meeting and read and listen is to listen to angels. You know and you know that you know and you bring it and me into perspective and leave me with the question "Okay what will you do now"? I know what I have done didn't/doesn't work. I went way back into the disease of my family and tantrumed and ranted "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!". I missed the parts when it did and the reason is because I am carrying it forward as has been said. "I don't want to be here!!" I screamed that as an infant and then learned...I didn't get the choice of family or birth. I have received hope for this morning...I hope to be willing to do it justice and to move away from the power of resentments. I can take a concern and turn it into a global meltdown (which is one of the fuels for where I am at now...the global financial immoral melt down added to my alcoholic addict family and my Nations 121 year battle for sovereign self determination and?....I'm toast mind, body, spirit and emotions. "Okay what will I do now"? Sit by the ocean before my meeting and "abandon myself to God as I understand God, repeat to myself the 3Cs. I didn't cause this, I cannot control this, I will not be able to cure this. I will watch Akua move the atmosphere before my eyes and understand I cannot do that I can only understand that it/he/she is available to me as I ask with the profound awareness of the experiences of the past where HP's attention was turned directly upon me and that which I ranted over or was concerned about and needed awareness got attended to in ways I could not have imagined. I am not God...should I take on that scope of work without qualification. At times I become like you...an "Other" present and aware of the opportunity to help by sharing ESH. Should I not refocus on what I cannot change in me and go assist someone else in their need. I was taught that in early Al-Anon...I forget at times. My sponsor once told me when I was in doubt about Al-Anon working, "If you want to see this program work...give it away to someone else and watch them work it".
Thank you for giving away what you have to me. I will and can carry this with me to my morning meeting site, where Akua also sits; quiet the rant and listen to the recovery of others. I need the essence of hope. (((((hugs)))))
Peace be with you Jerry - remember, we can't turn it over to HP if we refuse to let it go.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Thanks for sharing jerry, I can understand that feeling of going over old ground again in a kind of self indulgent way or a way that it pours from us like water from a tap. Maybe you needed to vent or maybe there were some hard facts that you were able to face or maybe you said just what was needed to be heard and was actually of some value to a family member. Ive came to realise that not a lot happens by accident, old wounds take time to heal. I hope you have healed a little more through your experience. X
I know I have done things or caused others pain not realizing the impact of my actions .. I apply the same "rules" to myself that I allow to others about the past which is .. no one has a time machine to undo it. Not even my HP .. because of that I have to work on forgiveness. I find forgiving others to be easier than forgiving myself which is where it really needs to start anyway. Being gentle with myself over the past .. seeing that yes, .. I could have handled it differently and probably should .. and then working it out via training wheels with a sponsor or here. Then I can suit up, show up and do the best that I can to be all that my HP wants me to be and has always wanted me to be. I can make different choices moving forward to not cause the same pain of the past .. it may be new .. it's never the same .. lol. At least it's just not the same .. and that's just part of the process of being human learning, falling down, learning again .. and falling down some more .. I always have hope.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
))))) 
