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Post Info TOPIC: Elborating on a topic ..


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3496
Date:
Elborating on a topic ..


Someone asked me to share a little more ESH in terms of dealing with the keen alcoholic mind.  This is strictly my journey and while it should be clear cut .. it's amazing how twisted my own mind can get in dealing with my stbax.  I spent a lot of time trying to get him to think like I do.  First off, thank you God that he doesn't think like I do or this would be a battle for the ages in terms of the divorce.  It's his own stupidity (I don't mean that meanly either just more of some of the things he's done my atty has looked at me and stated .. how dumb can a guy be?!) that gets in his own way.  It's exactly why the divorce has dragged out the way it has .. he doesn't think in terms of letting go.  Me making him think like me .. it's wasted effort .. that is not to say that having the conversation that I had a few days ago wasn't a good thing .. he needs to hear that his limited world .. is just that .. limited and his actions actually do hurt other people.  Now that I've stated that .. I have to let it go .. he has either heard me or not .. going into further at this point .. there is no point and again .. as if I have the extra energy to spare on the issue.  LOL .. I really don't. 

I use today as an example, .. he actually did pay me towards the kids Easter .. first time in 3 Easters since he's been out of the house that he has done so, he actually offered .. it was a very nice gesture.  That being said .. when I say we are on different playing fields mentally this is how it transpired .. things for me have changed a great deal .. there is no one else, I just have a life now, I still react when he texts or calls .. I am able to feel the initial jolt and back immediately away, realizing that his behavior is about him and has nothing to do with me.  It can't for 3 reasons .. he's an alcoholic, .. he's an alcoholic .. he's an alcoholic.  Even though he is going to a recovery program, .. not AA, .. even though supposedly he hasn't had a drink since last July (honestly .. he hasn't had a drink for probably 4 months and that is a BIG inside joke) .. he's still very active in his alcoholic thinking.  That sums it up right there .. I can expect him not to behave in a healthy way and it's on me to figure out how to react to that behavior.  Is it important enough that I draw a boundary?  Or is it something that it just is what it is and I have to accept that is exactly who he is .. trying to make him think like me .. holy cow .. I jump the crazy train and head on over to looneyville and I know enough about that place to know I just need to stay where I am.  For me that's a place I cause my own pain and I'm way over it.   

Originally, I text him and asked that he just come by tomorrow (as it's actually his visitation with the kids, his holiday) and drop the money off when he picks up the kids.  They are suppose to go with him for a few hours.  I'm starting to wonder if he's actually going to pick them up as I haven't heard word one about it from him and he hasn't talked to the kids about it either.  There was no response and we are living in low income housing there is absolutely nothing wrong with that .. it just is and it has some issues that goes with it.  Such as there is always a possibility someone will take something out of my mailbox.  There have been a couple of incidents that have shaken me up .. nothing way bad .. just enough to know I'm very used to living in the country and this is so not the country .. LOL.  The kids and I really love this place. 

The text I received back (over an hour later) was that he had already dropped the money off in an envelope.  Ok .. we were at our church and I was able to quickly leave (thank you for the fact my daughter is old enough to take care of her brother and we are known there at the church so it is a safe environment for them, plus I'm soooo close to church now .. LOVE it!) head home grab the envelope.  I'm a little confused as I pull the envelope out of the mailbox .. it's opened (as in the top is ripped open) I check and the money is there and as I look at the front of it .. I realize that MY name and HIS address are on the front and upon closer inspection ... it's information about my premiums going up because I haven't filled out specific paperwork that is of course not included just this letter stating this is the last time they will contact "me" about it.  He's paying for the premiums .. LOL .. I bet he wants me to fill out paperwork.  I have been requesting new insurance cards as well as EOB's (explanation of benefits) for the past 6 months.  He has it set up that he's notified when I try (or that's what I'm assuming because they have taken MY information and always stated it's not an issue to change just the kids and I leaving his the same) .. out of sheer vengefulness .. he's blocked me at every turn.  I'm talking I haven't had current insurance cards for 2 years now.  Thankfully nothing major has happened and my current Dr's just take what they have .. it's a shame though that it's his choice to do this to the kids and I.  Yes, .. I was angry for a moment about that situation as I think any person would be .. considering what I have tried to do only to be undermined by him at every turn.  I would speculate (and it doesn't matter really) that this is one of the few areas he really has any kind of control in that doesn't come back and bite him in the butt.  Well .. guess what .. yes .. it's biting him in the butt .. really more in the pocket book. 

I did send a text and I was not happy .. I received said money, and saw the letter .. umm .. what do you want me to do?  I've done everything I can and from my standpoint you are the one who is standing in the way of having this very simply resolved.  He did reply and state he will have to request the information and if I could send it in.  This is certainly not an issue for me to do and I will be happy to do it.  It does explain why he didn't want to face me tomorrow with money in hand as well as this letter.  Again I don't know if he will show tomorrow .. if he does he does .. if not .. I can't control it.  It will be on him to try and do damage control it's his relationship with the kids. 

I finished shopping for the baskets and sent him a quick text and said thank you for the money towards the baskets it helped me finish them.  A true statement .. now .. most people of the non alcoholic healthy thinking would have probably said (this is ME though .. LOL) thank you for taking the time to put those together for the kids I hope they are excited tomorrow morning.  I can't wait to see them later.  His response .. Your welcome.  There are little hooks being thrown here and there as well .. he's lonely .. he's between girlfriends and I'm just not available to him and he's really working it big time.  He's using my name when he responds in texts which we use to play a game when he would do that .. I'm not playing .. I'm ignoring. 

Honestly .. that was worth a giggle to myself and a whole lot less stress considering .. what did I expect?  Really .. nothing.  Why?  Once again 3 reasons .. he's an alcoholic, .. he's an alcoholic .. and last but not least .. he's an alcoholic.  He doesn't think like I do.  I am working on accepting what he can give .. redirecting as necessary and then letting it go.  Before Alanon .. before learning about the disease of alcoholism .. before letting go of the illusion of control that I never had anyway .. I would have not only beat him with the bottle as I call it .. I would have spent many a wasted effort by the hour trying to make him see MY way.  He's wrong .. I'm right .. and by golly .. I was going to make him see it MY way.  He gets some credit for trying .. I'm not rolling out the red carpet and putting on a parade either for him just trying to do what it is he's suppose to do anyway.  I don't have to fight with him either.  It's a whole lot easier not to fight with myself really .. that's what it boils down to .. he's already moved on in that moment that things have passed I'm the one continuing the fight if I keep going.

We don't play on the same field .. and each interaction I can really see how sad it is to try and play with someone who just isn't there.  It's just really unfair.  It's not even sporting and to be clear I'm not saying I'm better than he is .. we aren't in the same league and it's now more about how do I communicate more effectively knowing when I can and knowing when to let it go.  Those are the two things that have really guided me and it's actually my higher power (who I choose to call God) that has lead me to that path. 

Hugs S :)

 



__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



Senior Member

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Posts: 251
Date:

(((Hugs))) you're a great mom to your babies and it certainly seems that you're working an awesome program and on the right path. Thank you for sharing this lovely example of recovery ESH. :)

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5075
Date:

Acceptance of this disease has given me so much freedom. My ex and I met up by accident just the other day, we got chatting and went for a cup of tea. Within 2.5 minutes the old stinking thinking raised its ugly head. Black and white thinking, negative thinking, strange thinking that comes from this sickness. Hes sober over 1 year now, has a program and is much better, so much better. Most people would not have a clue about his alcoholism, hes as normal as they come.  However, im hyper sensitive, just like I could tell he was drinking from the second I came into contact with him, I know the old thinking really well. 

He is a trigger for my obsessive thinking, I go inot automatic pilot in his company, within 5 minutes ive got him worked out, ive taken his inventory on some level. He is not in my life, hes a threat to my serenity and me to his. Our yougest child is almost 17 now and he has his own relationship with them which I have nothing to do with. Its easier when they are older. It wont always be this way for you. This too will pass. Soon enough your children will be able to make their own arrangements with their dad and you can leave them to it. You will be free, physically, using the steps and your program can help you be free mentally.x



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 7576
Date:

My A and I do think alike at times. He wants what he wants and I want what I want. I've had to let go of wanting what I want in relationship to him as you have in relationship to your x. You are making a whole new life for yourself, Serenity. Good for you. Happy Easter, sister! I'm happy to see you were able to do what you wanted to do in putting those Easter baskets together for your children. You are a Mom who so enjoys her children. That is an Easter blessing for me to see this morning! It makes me smile. Thank you.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
Date:

I get it. Active alcoholics and even those in early recovery or not working a program are emotionally retarded. It's not a judgment. It just is. When no longer in an intimate relationship with the alcoholic, all their emotionally regressed behaviors don't affect us like they used to. We used to be fearful of their rants and angry manipulations. Now it's like watching a pissed off preteen. Most of their defects are hurting them whereas they used to hurt us so badly. So yes, I know it's like having to have adult dealings with someone that is chronologically grown, but so emotionally childlike that it actually seems they are putting you in an authority position because of their ineptitude, then being angry in return that you are the emotional grown up and not them. That is the nature of the disease.




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Senior Member

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Posts: 251
Date:

SRU;) I just wanted to say that what I got from your share was that you may be feeling your feelings but your actions are showing excellent recovery and awareness. I think you should pat yourself on the back and give yourself some hugs because you certainly deserve it and much more.

(((more hugs;)))



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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3496
Date:

It's exactly that .. I think about my worst fear happened a little over 2 years ago and I'm still here. It IS like dealing with a teenager only in some ways worse because I have a teenager who is more of an adult than her dad is .. it's like having a toddler and a preteen wrapped into one.

OMGOSH .. what I want to do and what I'm choosing to do .. two totally different things .. thank you again Alanon, .. in the past I would have reacted and acted out in anger .. now there is no point. I will be drawing some boundaries this weekend .. kids came home with a rental movie, then he forgot the insurance cards and honestly .. I will spend a week having no contact with him .. I'm very much NOT interested in it. I have a moment of flash anger and then realize .. this is the best he can give me today .. How Important Is It? I can state what I need to state in one text which will be later after I return the movie .. I'm ok with that even though my fingers twitch to give him a lashing in a verbal mode. For me that is progress .. my impulse control, my ability to know this is so not ok.

I can't wait to post some pictures of my new home! I'm still in boxes .. LOL .. however I may have some pictures of an empty place I'm willing to share .. LOL! We are taking one box at a time at the moment and if I can do that then things should be unpacked sooner than later.

Hugs S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:

I can so relate to your story, I feel many of the same feelings in regard to my ex ah. Those flashes of anger, oh, I get them often. In fact one of the first emotions to surface from within me was anger for my ex. I felt he got away with so much of the responsibility of our family, his crazy thinking kept me out and him far far away and that was no use to me while raising our family. I see it a little differently now. I think of him as being the one who led me to recovery and Im grateful because through his craziness I get to practice some of the good things that lay dormant for years, like patience, compassion, forgiveness. I feel good about me when I feel this way. I can show this to my kids, show them how to be patient with him, because they see and hear it, reinforce the fact that alcoholism is a disease and their dad is sick in many ways so they can learn to detach and not take him to heart. Its like Alanon is your armour that protects you from all the negative crap that hurts you and while he is still part of your kids lives you can teach them to build their own armour. Showing them how to forgive him, be compassionate and kind despite the mess he dishes out is such a gift and if he was no longer there then maybe this armour would vanish along with all the rewards.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3496
Date:

Well El-Cee because of the devastation of the last 2 years .. I'm not willing to pretend none of it's happened or happening currently .. now he's going to do what he's going to do .. pretending none of it happened is not an option. I can detach, I can even do it with love, and I have recognized when I am beating him with the preverbal bottle .. those are not productive things to do.

The kids are figuring out their relationship .. he pushes way to hard and way to fast and they are very wary because I am. He still does things that mean he has to be included in terms of he's not respecting .. he has lost the right to have it on his terms .. the relationships he has is going to be on our terms at this point. I'm willing to accept him where he is at .. he's lost a lot of "relationship rights".

Alanon is my armor and the kids are taking their cues of what is and is not appropriate .. I'm having to reinforce old boundaries .. such as don't send the kids home with a rental dvd .. the next time that happens it will stay here until the next visitation .. I'm not being responsible for his choices.

It's just one of those things .. when there is damage done .. it takes time and consistency to show what is really different.

Hugs S :)





__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop

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