Need suggestions on how to handle the anxiety - Al-Anon Family Group

Sallygcoe · Veteran Member

Need suggestions on how to handle the anxiety

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Something that helped me stay grounded: "Son, it bothers me to see you harming yourself with drugs/alcohol. I love you. I hope you'll get help." I let go after that and did what I needed to do to take better care of myself. I learned the best help I could give my own son was not to help him but to help me in Al-anon. When the old anxious and worrisome thoughts reappear, putting him back into his HP's hands helps me. Reciting the serenity prayer can help me gain some serenity. Talking things over with my sponsor or another fellowship member helps me, too.

This isn't easy stuff, but it does get easier with program work and fellowship members.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

But you can...I did. It took a awhile but I did it. About a year and a half ago I was a mess. My days consisted of thinking only of my son, what he was doing, is he going to be OK, should I go over there and see what I can do, feeding him, paying his bills, taking him to the hospital and anything else I could think of. It was never any good he was not going to quit his addiction. The " what if's " were killing me. It had to stop. Alanon and MIP was given me my life back. I can worry about my son but not to the point of destroying myself.

I think my biggest thing I have learned was to have faith. Faith in my HP that he will take care of everything no matter what happens. It's not easy and takes time so keep coming back and posting your fears and let us help you through the bad times. ESH is needed everyday so please don't isolate...it doesn't work.

((( hugs )))

Sallygcoe · Veteran Member

Thank you for reminding me.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

((( Sally) ) ) That's all the relevant E S H I can give you. Hang in there!!

oldergal · Senior Member

Sally none of this is easy, some necessary action I took when I was in the mist of my son drinking was: keep busy no matter what, didnt isolate, stayed amoung friends, program people that were like-minded. And remembered I could not control, change anything my son was doing it was his life. I worked hard and not feeling the guilt that I caused any of his bad behavior. I did the best I could with the tools I had when I raised him. He was a big boy now and he had to get it together himself, anything I did would only prolong his bottom. I forgave myself for the mistakes I did make and God forgave me too. None of this is easy but I succeeded in making it out of the fog and doom. ......in support og

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to how you feel. Its taken me two years in alanon to let go of my son and his chaotic, often dangerous lifestyle. Ive still not fully let go but I have freed myself from some of the obsession. I realised that to love him properly I had to be very careful with what I said and did. Worry and fear can be my enemy because if I act on these emotions then im back in the chaos, interfering, rescuing, meddling and of course my son wants this because it makes it easier to not take responsibility for himself because il do it. I think about him having his own higher power and being looked after, hes getting exactly what he needs even when there is drama and crisis as long as I dont step in ans steal his learning from him. It got easier when my belief systems changed and I removed emotion and replaced it with logic.x

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to go to the Drs. for help. The anxiety was so bad it was scary. Also walking is good and when I sit on my patio in the backyard and read that also helps me.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Me too!! Men aren't any different with anxiety although our response can be more bizarre. I didn't cry, sob, or worry and whine...I built a fire with a crucifix in the middle to burn him on when I caught him and then I went to a meeting and spoke with my sponsor and the other members of my home group and other meetings and I listened, listened, listened and practiced, practiced, practiced what the others were doing and then ...I divorced him and moved out away from him because his drinking and using was threatening my serenity and sobriety. I reconstructed my life somewhere else and he was allowed to visit with the caveat that after an agreed upon hour or so he had to leave...my place and my life so that I could reconstruct it as better as it should be. Just for me...I don't do anxiety any better than anyone else and I gotta work the program cause that is what works when I work it. Lots of anxiety is about my head messing around with pictures it dreams up when it could do something more constructive...after all this is a disease of the mind....body, spirit and emotions. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sallygcoe,
Sending ((((hugs))))).

Having things in my life that I can't fix causes me anxiety. I deeply want those I love to be happy and feel that I should be able to make them happy providing I stay happy myself - and then I'm worrying about them, which of course undermines my positive feelings, so I feel guilty and imagine that they are unhappy.. you can see how the spiral goes!!

One day I read about 'just for today' and at the same time I was thinking that I wouldn't really want to be around me considering how unhappy I was (husband was having an affair at the time and my mum had just died). So I figured that I just needed to make the best of it.

I brought a beautiful notebook and wrote the three best things of the day in it every night - that helped me to focus on the positive.
I imagined myself in a place I loved, surrounded by lavender scent and with the people I love, or have loved, smiling at me. I spent twenty minutes imagining that place and those wonderful people and then I associated a colour and a shape with it - and now, when I say 'blue triangle' I immediately have a short cut to feeling peaceful. I guess it is a form of self hypnosis.
I've learnt to meditate - sitting quietly outside listening to the sounds and focusing on my breathing. I can almost manage a minute now!! But boy, it makes a difference none the less.
And I'm trying yoga - which I love, especially when I get the motivation to actually do it. I have to concentrate so hard not to fall over that there isn't any space for any other thoughts in my head!
When I'm angry or feeling sorry for myself I take a long bath or paint my nails or put on a favourite jumper. And sometimes I go out and give a cake or a small present to one of my aged neighbours because, lets face it, I'm a helper and a fixer so I might as well put my energy to use in places where I don't expect anything more than a surprised smile!

I can still make myself very anxious but I recognise that it does not do me any good and when I start going down that path, which I do every day at some point, so I tell myself to 'stop it!'. BTW, there is a very funny Bob Newhart sketch with the title 'Stop It!' that I saw recently and telling myself to stop it now carries a smile because I'm hearing his voice instead of my own (or my mothers - which is another story entirely!!). Here is a link for Bob Newhart fans www.youtube.com/watch

I can't imagine how hard it is to see your child taking a dangerous path. However with AH I finally started to think that perhaps he needed to look after himself and make his own choices - letting him do this without my stepping in seemed like the most loving thing that I could do. Not easy (especially for a hugely capable fixer like me

) but it made both of our lives much calmer and more serene. It is the 'good' lesson that I've learnt in the midst of all of this chaos. Now I just need to try to remember these things more often for myself!!

Wishing you wonderful things and lots of self care. ((((Hugs)))))

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

What Jen61 said.... walking was good for me. I used to walk every day during my breaks and lunch time at work. I would go out in the parking lot and walk fast and look at what a nice and sunny day it was. I would listen for the birds and look at what kind of cars people drove. I would come back with a little less anxiety but I did it over and over and over. It helped me a lot during those dark times. I still walk but not because of my anxiety but because I need exercise...I'm getting chunky

((( hugs ))) you are not alone so keep coming back

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.