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Post Info TOPIC: sometimes it's 2 steps back, and sometimes it's 1 step forward:in recovery


Senior Member

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Posts: 399
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sometimes it's 2 steps back, and sometimes it's 1 step forward:in recovery


 This week I made a big step forward in my recovery. I noticed and realized so many things about myself, that kept me blocking for so long. A step 4 used to be a difficult thing for me, but I have made a practice and learned to do it more often it was then step 5 that i found even more difficultafter all the wrong that i felt has been done to me. Stepping out of the drama with the A, and relaxing a bit more and seeing it from a different perspective and doing a lot of work with a therapist, life dynamics became more clear.

I went back to childhood, family dynamics, and my survival skills acquired at the time. The thing is, i love harmony. Always have. I don't like conflict. So I learned to be a people pleaser. At the same time, I'm an independent dreamer and adventurer that likes to do things the way I fell them for myself. See the conflict arising?! as soon as with others, this gets rally difficult. So I learned as a child to manipulate somehowand throw temper tantrums every now and then. Which left me feeling cruel. My way of doing things has been quite wrong. I thought i had lot of patience, going with the flow of others for some time, not speaking up for long, but boiling insidealready as a child. I remember that now. developed from that a sense of rightousness and guilt also. This guilt is the problem in my adult life. This guilt made me a codependent today.For I think i need to make up for something. I knew at the time already it was not a nice way, for i also have that just fairness personality inside of me, so I know! So I took even sometimes the guilt from others on my shoulders, and that's where my life became destructive. I didn't learn to speak up properly, assertively, in my growing up, in my survival. I haven't been 'abused' in my childhood, I looked a long time at that, at guilty people around me.for codependency spreads somewhere around there.  but as every child we are put in a setting with our personality traits and we are made to survive somehow, being with our strongest personality traits that come forth again and again. My parents have done a good job, as good as they were able to be. with my sisters I have felt more injustice in fact, being little. and that comes out today in resentment, in some passive-aggressive behavior.

wow that has been a huge step in clearing the fog, i didn't know all these things and mechanics of survival.I am grateful today. Knowing this now doesn't destroy me as one could think. It makes me accept me and my defects. I am very humbled and feel love, for all the people involved. There is a lot of adjustments to do, and some things and situations cannot be changed from the pastbut the present got more peaceful all of a sudden, more understanding. I don't have to fear abandonment for speaking up for myself, for I know now who i am and want to be, and we are never alone. 

SI went just typing this up as I went along now, understanding what happened this weekI hope some is comprehensive to you i just needed to share. feeling happy even with all my awful defects. The A's are actually living on and testing their own survival skills we don't have to make them work for uswhen we take time to work on our own, it becomes less important what they do and don't do. thankful for the lessons.

have a wonderful day!



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Senior Member

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Posts: 232
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Sounds like you have made some great breakthroughs recently. And you are really talking my language here (again!). I had the same thought today about my own history of 'going with the flow', thinking I had the patience of a saint, but that those acts were far from peaceful (boiling underneath).

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1896
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I toolove the breakthroughs.It's amazing that so many of our response behaviors and actually now obsolete survival skills from our childhood!

Kenny

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