The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This whole 'recycling' thing in recovery is rough! I'd say one step forward, two steps back but then I get a really annoying 80s song stuck in my head.
I have yet to get into some kind of regular groove that puts me already a few levels up (within myself, not on others), so that I can stop reacting all the time. I thought I was doing pretty well, but now I find myself depressed because of what so-and-so said or did. Good grief.
I was doing ok after ending an unhealthy, long-term relationship. I was up and down but overall completely in touch with myself and able to work through the rollercoaster of emotions - mostly thanks to you guys here! But then old patterns with the now XBF crept back in, including us being in contact, and gradually all those old sick habits are clouding my brain again, even though we are technically not together. I have long since realized that I can't change him, or even lay down any ultimatums on any kind of treatment or therapy for him as a contingency for us getting back together. But nothing changed, so nothing will change.
Although *I* changed. But I still feel myself getting dragged back down that sick vortex. It's such insidious fog, that I don't realize what's happening until I've let other people upset my peace. I'd like to catch it sooner but I don't want to turn into a complete tyrant myself, either. I have loner/hermit tendencies too, and would much rather be completely alone than be around people, but I know it's probably healthier to learn how to be peaceful around people than to take the easy way out and be a hermit.
Sorry for the rambling post. I suppose what I'm saying is I'm disappointed in the progress I thought I had made. But I guess it's that whole progress, not perfection, thing. I don't get much out of face to face meetings, I'm afraid, even though I do go. It all seems mostly helpful to the poor isolated folks who otherwise don't have the chance to get it all out. And while I'm happy for them for that, I don't have any clarity when I leave. The opposite, in fact. I've never met anybody I wanted as a sponsor and don't really know what it means to 'work the steps' other than just thinking about stuff to myself. Maybe that's what's holding me back? Plus, the steps, in themselves, don't mean much to me and I have trouble linking various life situations to these steps. I have learned more on this board than anywhere though, but I could use some kind of methodical structure, I think. Anybody have a codependency flow-chart?
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Friday 18th of April 2014 01:06:38 PM
Have you tried working the step board here? Betty puts up lots of good thought-provoking questions on a new step every other week. They are currently on step 5, but you can really join any time, steps 1 - 12 are all there. I'm certainly behind, I charged into Step 1, and haven't had time to do more!
Also, you might try a different F2F meeting, if you an get to one.
BTW I think you are showing good clarity anyway, in coming here to look for help and letting everybody know some detail. you didn't just come here and say "I've got a problem", and leave it at that, it seems like you have been doing a good amount of self-evaluation. So I don't think you should beat yourself up like this. Just keep looking and trying!
Thanks Kenny, for plodding through my confusing post! I think I tried the step board once but couldn't figure out how it worked! I will give it another try. I am much better at online learning than in a real-world social setting, anyway.
When we find ourselves two steps back, it's useful feedback as to what works and what doesn't. For many of us, allowing ourselves to be back in contact with our exes (our A's) is like the alcoholic walking into a bar. "I'll just sit here for a while -- I won't drink -- I just like the atmosphere..." But then the temptation is strong and back down into the vortex we go. So our bad feelings afterwards are warnings as to what we can allow ourselves to do. Maybe also a message to check out our condition -- "What was going on when I had that impulse to go back into the bar/reply to that text from my ex/etc.?" Then we learn how to take better care of ourselves.
Hang in there -- keep on taking good care of yourself!
Heh. Well in that case, Mattie, I definitely went into the bar with the belief that I was immune to the effects of the atmosphere of the place. LOL. Yeah, that's exactly what I did. wow. If I got nothing but the same with each interaction, just what did I expect when I took up interacting with him again?
Hmm. So the step board work...I have read the instructions over there but it sounds like you should not post on a current step group if you are not yet at that step. So I guess I'd have to start at step 1. But if there isn't currently a group working step 1, I can't, right? I have to wait til it comes back around again? And I'm not allowed to just jump into a different group. So by process of elimination, it sounds like I have to wait til they start step 1 again.
There is a thread at http://stepwork.activeboard.com/t56896923/alanon-step-one/ You don't have to wait to start. It is worth doing Step 1 ASAP in my opinion, if nothing else the questions just make you think. Accepting our powerlessness is one thing, but there are many corollaries that go with it, and the questions revolve around those. Questions like How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences? and How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
You do have to create a new login for that board. You can see my answers under the name AcceptingSerenity.
Never ask an engineer for a flowchart!! This is really a more generalized "how to learn" flowchart, but it's really what we are all doing. Notice there is no endpoint!
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Friday 18th of April 2014 04:17:58 PM
Well that's brilliant Kenny, thanks! Yes, no endpoint. It's one big messy continuum in my head.
That helps (the bit about jumping in on step 1). I got a bit confused thinking it said not to just jump in. I did sign up again, so that part's done.
I feel like I definitely got the first few steps a year or two ago, after a series of situations that would've followed the 'no' option on the flowchart, although I wasn't working the steps then, just glancing at them at a meeting. And I do remember the things I learned for the most part. I would just love to have something a bit more mechanical to fall back on when my brain goes all fuzzy or I'm too tired/stressed to make any sense.
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Friday 18th of April 2014 10:46:50 PM
Foggy there is so much in your post that reminds me of my own journey...start to present. It took me two attempts to "get into" the Al-Anon Program. The first one was a complete bust and I wasn't very well put together and then the promise that if I left the problem would get worse and that promise came true...I got and it got worse beyond my wildest imagination thus the second attempt which was initiated by my Higher Power. I had no fight left in me most of the time then and at the start of the second attempt one of the things I hear was "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" Of course my mind was closed like the alcoholic I was too self centered which closed out almost every one else who cared for me. The next thing I heard was "Listen for the similarities in the rooms rather than the differences between their experiences and your thinking and when I was able to do that a funny thing started happening to my head....it started to nod at other members shares in awareness and understanding...They knew...they did know what I was going thru and they had solutions because their lives were so much different and better than mine at the time. The fact that I was having trouble was certain proof that if I kept do the things I always did I would always keep getting what I always got. "My best thinking got me here" was early reality for me and so I went about changing my thinking and I did that by changing my behaviors. When I started acting different my thinking followed. I did what they did. Your happiness is an inside job. It is not the responsibility of anyone else...let them go. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Thanks Jerry. I will bear it in mind. But honestly I only recognize what you are saying about "...their lives were so much different and better than mine at the time" HERE at MIP and not in any of the meetings I have attended. People who post on this board regularly are so much further along than I am, I'm so grateful they are here, and I'm learning tons each day. I think the meetings I've been to in real life seem to be shrouded in fear of crosstalk or any kind of helpful E/S/H. Or rather, there isn't any E/S/H. It's that here on MIP, which has helped me haul myself up out of the hell I was in most of my life, over the past year or so that I've been here. So I guess I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to get out of the face to face meetings, other than to be in contact with a real live person, and I'm sure it's a Godsend for some people for that reason. I know I need to have an open mind about it. I would like to get to the point where various friends or people here have said that they 'need' to go to their meetings. I am no longer surrounded by destructive, falling-down drunks, either. Maybe that's it? My biggest qualifier right now is on another continent and I might have to see her later this year if I visit family.
Well that's brilliant Kenny, thanks! Yes, no endpoint. It's one big messy continuum in my head. 
I would like to get to the point where various friends or people here have said that they 'need' to go to their meetings. I am no longer surrounded by destructive, falling-down drunks, either. Maybe that's it? My biggest qualifier right now is on another continent and I might have to see her later this year if I visit family.