The past week has been filled with somewhat unpleasant experiences, as I have shared. And although I have been taking things in my stride and seeing the funny side, I guess there is some pent up anger in there because one night I did something strange and a bit disturbing. See, the next morning the alcoholic I currently share a house with was all upset because he said I had kept him awake all night "picking on him". I got really angry and told him he was trying to gaslight me because I hadn't spoken to him at all the night before; I had gone to bed early and slept soundly. But daughter confirmed it because she had heard me. Apparently during the night, not once but several times I got out of bed, entered his room, woke him up and "let him have it". I have no memory of this whatsoever and please note I take no drugs, had consumed no alcohol and was afflicted by nothing more than tiredness when I went to bed. So while I was sleeping, I went and gave him a piece of my mind. Or several. I wish I knew what I said because he has been really humble ever since, lol. Daughter didn't hear the actual conversation, she just says she woke up a few times and heard me going from my room to his and speaking in an angry voice. Scary He has later acknowledged that he knew I was sleep walking (or sleep-chastising lol) so he didn't try to respond. I used to sleepwalk and do weird things in my sleep a lot but haven't for ages. It's super-creepy and I felt a bit crushed to realise that after working so hard to not engage or discuss his behaviour with him, I betrayed myself in my sleep. Not to mention weirded out! And I feel bad because no-one likes to be woken up repeatedly during the night, regardless of who they are or what reasons I might have to be angry with them. It WAS a great big eclipsed full moon so maybe I can just blame it on that 

Anyway, I decided to do something to de-stress myself and on Wednesday, when I was due to take my daughter to her fathers for his part of the school holidays, I booked in at my uni to have a massage on the way home. As a student there I can have a 1`hour massage for $5; anywhere else this would cost around $120 so it's pretty special and I've been meaning to do it for a long time. But when I booked, they didn't have a relaxation massage spot available and so, not knowing much about massage I said "that's fine, just slot me in to any modality". A massage is a massage, right? Nice smelling oils and someone gently kneading your muscles while you try not to doze off into a blissful slumber?

So it turns out remedial massage isn't what you would call relaxing. For a first-timer it's actually exquisitely painful and I was fighting tears and yelping for the entire hour. I stuck with it because, to be honest, I was curious as to how I would feel afterwards. The girl had taken a very detailed health assessment first and made me perform all kinds of exercises etc, so I figured she knew what she was doing and would be working in my best interests even if it felt like she was torturing me, lol. Now if I had known how painful it would be I wouldn't have taken the appointment; I would have held out for a nice, relaxing massage another day.

When it ended, she said "the pain should last for about 24-48 hours and you might feel sick but after that you will feel a lot better. Go and make an appointment for next week, you need to come back regularly because you are so tense that you are making yourself very sick". Wow. So not what I had anticipated She was dead right too, I was so sore I could barely move, and dizzy and sick as if I had a bad case of the flu. This is apparently because deep tissue massage releases toxins from your tissues and kicks your lymph system into action and for a first timer who isn't in great health, it can be pretty full-on. And she wanted me to go back for more? Was she crazy? Anyway I have been limping around and being sick for 2 days and it hasn't been terribly pleasant.

So, today is day 3 and I woke up feeling AMAZING. My body feels so limber that I started doing yoga the moment I woke up and found myself in postures I haven't been able to even contemplate for many years. Lets be real, I haven't even wanted to do yoga for over a decade. After that I wanted to go for a swim.. I just feel wonderful, and motivated, and I keep moving around and doing stretches just because I can...I haven't had a headache since the massage either and that's just amazing in itself because I usually have one all the time. No headache tablets for 3 days and counting...wow. Brain is working better, body is working better...it WAS worth the pain and I absolutely WILL go back for more, weekly from now on. Plus I have decided to take up yoga again, because feeling so amazing after so many years of feeling so sore and sick is a fantastic feeling and I don't want it to go away.

Anyway I saw so many parallels in this experience to my whole alanon journey that I had to share it. It wasn't the easy relief I was expecting, at first it was painful, it brought up stuff that had been buried for a long time, I had to trust someone to see my neglected unhealthy self, trust that even though what she was guiding me to do hurt, that she had wisdom and skills that would help me, and afterwards I felt so good that I couldn't imagine how I had let myself feel so bad for so long or ever done without it. And it inspired me to want to take good care of myself. 

But then again I tend to see alanon parallels in everything lately, lol. Like every song I hear or show I watch or book I read is a metaphor for my journey. Oh well, better to be obsessed with spiritual growth than with pain and drama, right?