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Post Info TOPIC: HELP needed...I don't know what to do.


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HELP needed...I don't know what to do.


A couple years back my husbands reaction to alcohol came to the forefront.

Alcohol turned him into a dark person...maybe that's an exaggeration but it did. The loving person I'm married to, would go away after 1-11/2 drinks each night. alcohol tuned him into an agitated, irritated, quick to anger, mean person.  He would get confused in discussions. When i would try to clarify things he was saying he would get angry and blame me for confusing things. if we talked in the evening things would end in a fight. It seemed he was always looking for a fight. It was all my fault he would tell me.

When I said the drinking came to the  forefront I mean I confronted him on it and seeked the help of medical professional who specialized in addiction/alcoholism. Things went well for a while. However after a bit I thought I saw his 'moods' return on occasion. I thought he was sneaking drinks. He said no. i couldn't prove it. I suspected he was either having alcohol on the way home from work or stopping for a drink somewhere. Stopping and going in somewhere is not his style. But again I couldn't prove anything. 

Over the past few months I've seen the evening moods and actions change making me think he's having alcohol on the way hime from work. Not a lot of alcohol but some. He doesn't come drinking but he is quick to anger and more agitated. I found soda water bottles (one at a time) in his car. He never gets soda water at a convenience store when we go anywhere so my worst fears were true I suspected. 

Tonight I got into his briefcase and found a soda water bottle 3/4 full. I took a sip....straight vodka. His secret stash. 

I'm beside myself. I don't know what to do. When we first had our sit down about his problem I told him it was the alcohol or me. He did stop....for some time. But...he  didn't like,the social awkwardness of not drinking at all. The medical professional that worked with us told,him he could try limiting the number of drinks to one or two in a social situation and see how it goes. It was okay if it was only two most times and those times were only a couple times a month. 

He is resentful that I don't want him drinking. As time goes on he gets more resentful and now he's sneaking it...while driving. 

I could go on and on and on. Probably no one will read this ridiculously long novel I just wrote. If you do and can offer suggestions......please please please share them. 



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~*Service Worker*~

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H iisthisreal, I am happy that you found us and shared your deep thoughts and discomfort. Alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Alanon saved my sanity and my life. Breaking the isolation caused by living in the insanity of alcoholism is extremely important. Alanon has Face to face meeting in most communities and the hot line number can be found in the white pages. Connecting with others who understand as few others can , and learning new constructive tools to live by is really important to improving our lives .
Keep coming back here as well
You are not alone and there is hope



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Newbie

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Thank you or your response. 

But.....what do I do now after this latest revelation????  I don't know how to handle it....what to do...not do...what to say....not say....



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~*Service Worker*~

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There are lots of things you can do and remember if what you have attempted to do before coming here hasn't worked anything else you do with the expectation that you will change anything will bring you back to the doors of insanity.   You didn't get here overnight and so you will not find the answer for you overnight either.  Alcoholism is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease that is thousands of years old.  I'm sure you realize that with over 11 thousand registered members on this site that the problem (Yours, ours and his) is universal.  Alcohol is...a mind and mood altering chemical and that you already live with.  Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which can never be cured an only arrested by total abstinence.  Alcoholic is someone who had a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body to a progressively worse disease.  You are married to a husband....and an alcoholic.   What works wonders for most alcoholics when they want to and need to seek sobriety is to get with "recovering" alcoholics who know how from their own experience.   What HotRod gave you is what the spouses and family of the alcoholics do which works wonders...get with the spouses and family members, friends and associates of alcoholics because we also want to find peace of mind and serenity.  What do you do for now? stick with this MIP family and continue to read the posts from the fellowship and be enlightened by others.  Go find the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area in the white pages of your local telephone book...call that number and find out where and when we get together weekly in your area and then plan to make the next face to face meeting.   Keep this information anonymous from your alcoholic.  If he already has a number of justifications to blame and accuse you for his problems (not true...he is responsible)don't put another one up in front of him especially when you don't have experience about what we are about.  Go to the meeting...get the literature and meeting schedule...speak with others and get phone numbers for support.  

Keep coming back here...you are now not alone in the lease.  You are with family and we already love you.  Accept that he is alcoholic for now until you come to understand more and turn the whole circus over to what ever higher power you may have in your life and network with.

In support (((((Hugs))))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Greetings Isthisreal,

I'm sorry that your life is being affected by the awful effects that alcoholism can unleash - it is not easy and in my experience it undermines so much.

When I was trying to figure out what to do about my husband's drinking I got nowhere really - then one day I took the drinking out of the equation and just looked at the behaviour. It helped me to bring the focus back to me and what I feel comfortable living with.

I completely agree with Jerry and Hotrod - if you can connect with other people who are in similar situations it makes it so much easier to figure out what to do next. Because at the end of the day it is OK for you to do whatever it is that feels right and true for you.

In my own marriage my husband blamed me for everything - and I believed him !!!! Then I tried to look at things objectively and I saw that boundaries were being crossed that did neither of us any good.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I agree with milkwood, who agrees with Jerry and Hotrod
When I was being repeatedly blamed for things that were not my responsibility, I used to argue and try to defend myself. I have come to believe that the alcoholic probably does this to try to deflect the responsibility back onto me, because he cannot cope with the reality of what he does. I can understand that because I am sure that if I did the things he does, I would have a very hard time accepting myself too! I also know that I have participated in the same behaviour, blaming him for my emotional states or outbursts because "who wouldn't go crazy living with someone like you?".
In a way, I take it as a kind of compliment now. He must view me as a very strong person if he feels that I can shoulder the responsibility for every single bad choice he makes! But it isn't healthy for me to take responsibility for it, and when I argue with him or try to convince him that he is wrong or prove that he is lying, I actually AM taking responsibility for his actions because as soon as I get angry or emotional, he sighs a big sigh of relief and my anger or upset becomes the issue, not the thing that caused it in the first place! It's absolutely maddening!

When I first came to alanon I was struck by the phrase "you don't have to attend every argument you are invited to".
When the alcoholic tries to blame me for everything under the sun now, or convince me of blatant lies, I sort of imagine that we both speak different languages and no matter how much I shout at him in English and he shouts back at me in Alchish, we will never understand each other or resolve anything that way. So I nod, try to look a bit sympathetic, say things like "wow, that sux" and try to sound at least semi-sincere. I don't acknowledge any blame he tries to put on me at all. That bit gets lost in translation. I just agree with him that things are very hard for him and everything is very unfair. "I'm sorry you are having such a hard time", "That must really suck" etc. It works well, I think because in reality he knows what he is saying is complete nonsense and if I don't buy into it he has to handle his bad feelings by himself. He seems to do it a lot less often now, or maybe it just doesn't bother me as much.



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~*Service Worker*~

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I have felt over the past 8 years as the Vodka police. My AH also puts his in a water bottle and carries it around. When I read your post I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Made me so sad for you. But, like everyone says it does not do any good to argue with them, especially when they drink. They blame everything that is wrong with life on us and they do not take any responsibility at all. I liked what Melly said about deflecting the responsibility back on her. Mine will do that too. When I am trying to make a point, we really don't talk about the "point". I have read a lot of literature and if you go to YOUTUBE.com and type in alcoholics, denial of alcoholism, Al-Anon, etc., you can find a lot of information. Amazon.com also has a lot of books you can order. I carry my books in a bag and they are all right there when I need them. This site is amazing also. You can read the message boards and see the same story play out on and on and on. Please keep us posted on how you are doing and take care.

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wp


~*Service Worker*~

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Please take yourself to alanon meetings and find out what the disease is all about and what you can do. You are welcome to come to MIP meetings twice a day too.
wp

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~*Service Worker*~

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Please keep coming back here, too.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

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One thing for sure, stay out of his briefcase.....

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