The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this whole thing, I honestly do not know how or where to begin, but i'm sure I will figure it out.
My wife suffers from Alcoholism and Drug abuse. Her drug abuse is a direct correspondence of her drinking. I love her very much and want her to be healthy and happy. She recently willingly went to rehab to begin the process of learning how to cope with her addiction. While she has her work cut out for her, I have mine. I would like some guidance and support as well. I do not know where to begin with learning how to trust her again, with all the lies and deceit that she gave me. I do not know how to accept that she is ready to heal, I do not know what exactly I am supposed to do about anything. I just know that I love her and I want her in my life for as long as I can possibly have her. It has been my complete and full intentions to grow old with this woman, though I would much rather she and I grow old together to the age of 80's or 90's than for something ungodly happen such as a premature death caused by her illness.
Please, if anyone has any kind of information or guidance that can help me out and let me begin the healing process with her-- I would greatly appreciate it. Please feel free to email your responses to me personally at:
Swishowski@gmail.com
Thank you all very much for listening and providing input where it is needed.
Hello, Sam: Welcome to MIP. I can certainly relate to all that you have written here. This disease is a killer if unchecked - not just in our loved ones but in us, too. Fortunately, there is hope. There is always hope. Broken trust is but one of the ways this disease affects us. Al-Anon helps us learn what we can trust with a little "t" and what we can trust with a big one. We suggest attending at least six face to face meetings before you decide if Al-Anon is for you. Attending different meetings can help you find the right one for you, too. As you know, we have our plan for life and then life reveals its plan for us. Alanon helps us learn to live one day at a time in peace, joy and gratitude to the best of our ability. Come back here, too. We understand. You're not alone.
Thank you for responding- just reading what you wrote made me feel a little better. It kinda helped me understand that I'm not fighting a battle that I have to face alone. There are others just like me who suffer from an addicted loved one- although mentally I already knew this, emotionally I may not have understood it. Can you give me some examples of how I can just-
Take one day at a time, in happiness, and joy?
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is Christ Jesus our Lord.
For its the Grace of God that brings salvation unto all man- we should live soberly, righteously, and Godly...
I am not a religious man, but while writing this, these two scriptures came to my mind- the first is from Romans 6. and the Second is from Titus 2. They have been written on my soul from my childhood. perhaps this is the beginning of healing? Or is healing even possible and its all just coping? Either way, i would like the best way to not feel so...flabbergasted.
It comes with meetings, finding a good sponsor, utilizing the Conference Approved Literature, and meeting with others who are in the same boat as you are. My experience is that I can't fight the disease, fix the disease, or flee the disease, but I can accept that I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it or my loved one. Surrender to my powerlessness and admitting that my life was unmanageable was the first step to experiencing some peace in my life. It took a long time for us to get to the point where we are feeling flabbergasted and often overwhelmed by this cunning, baffling and powerful disease. It takes time for us to learn how to live life on life's terms and not to be blown away by the many isms of this disease. Alcoholism is a disease. The person who is afflicted by it isn't a bad person. They are a sick person. We get sick, too. Alanon helps us heal from the affects of this disease in my experience. The promises of Alanon are listed somewhere at the top of this board. They might be good to read? Go to search and key in the promises of Alanon. Look for Tigger's thread.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 15th of April 2014 08:45:28 PM
Welcome to MIP. I only have a few minutes; I am sure others will respond. Many find answers to questions such as yours within the rooms of al anon. Meeting places and times can easily be found on the internet. You are not alone, ever. Keep coming back to this forum and a community of supportive, wise people will show up to listen and offer ESH (experience, strength and hope).
Aloha Sam and welcome to the board...I have been involved in the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction all of my life and have had many relationships with alcoholics and addicts two of which were wives. Alcoholism is a disease, not a moral issue...check out the AMA web page and search alcoholism. There are millions of other informational sites which will wear you out so take it slowly. When I finally got into Al-Anon (took 2 tries) my perception of my then alcoholic/addict wife was that she was a bit..aad person. She did the infidelity, lying, cheating, stealing, running away and much more to facilitate her disease and all during that time I wanted the best for her and tried to provide it for her and didn't take care of myself. I ignored my own needs and didn't even understand I had any. Happiness came when she didn't drink and or do all the other stuff. I didn't know anything about alcohol (ic) (ism) when I got to the program and I didn't even know that I didn't even know so maybe at the moment you have more awareness than I did then. When I found the program I was told to get to 90 meetings in 90 days and that was sooo easy that I got to 102 or more in that 90 day period of time. Alcoholism isn't a bad party...it is a world wide disease that if not arrested by total abstinence by both the alcoholic/addict and the people that are affected will result in insanity and/or death. It is without prejudice and non-denominational...and it is cunning, powerful and baffling (very). It is thousands of years old and that information is just to try to bring you up to speed on the basics. It cannot be cured only arrested by total abstinence. It is also progressive and even when she is not drinking the disease progresses. If she were to relapse...go back to drinking after a period of being dry it will be as if no period of dryness ever happened and often it will be worse. I needed to know so I went to college on the disease of alcoholism/substance addiction...just for me.
You can scroll back in time here and read as many posts and responses that get your attention. MIP is a large family and you are not alone ever now or unloved...you're family. Go find the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of you local telephone book and find out where and when we get together in your area and come find your seat. What I was told to do was to "sit down, don't talk (I didn't know what to talk about), listen with an open mind, learn about the new program which would replace my program for my life which wasn't working and then practice, practice, practice. I was fortunate in that when I found the doors of Al-Anon I was very often the only male in the room and the women had patience and unconditional love for me. I was a hard learn...Thank you God for the Al-Anon Family Group women who re-raised me. Lets start with your entry statement and reword it just a bit. This is from my own experience. My wife and I suffer from alcoholism and drug abuse....etc.
Keep coming back..this really works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
so glad you found us. It is my partner who is the alcoholic in my life. When I found this site I was broken so sad watching the person I loved harm himself destroying his life. I had tried endlessly to help support fix and all I achieved was I became emotionally, and physically broken.
Al anon wrapped around me the people loved me until I learnt how to love myself. I hope you find an al anon meeting and begin attending I can not put into words what this fellowship has done for me and my family. Today I am feeling a lot better I am working on healing myself e.g trust issues, resentments looking at the part I played and changing ME, I feel so much better.
There is always hope sam my partner is sober and looking after his own life today and I am trying to fix the only person I really can myself.
My story is much the same as yours. Also, coincidentally, my son's name is Sam! Welcome to MIP!
I had the exact same problem - my AW went to inpatient treatment twice. After the second time, when she was getting near to being released, I realized how angry I was with her. All the trust she had violated. All the money that had/has been spent. How, when she was arrested for her 2nd DUI she was trying to pick up my son from our private Christian school, if the officer would have come up to the car 10 seconds later my son would have been in it and she would have gotten a reckless endangerment charge as well as DUI.
When she was getting ready to leave the inpatient facility, she said things had to change in our house. And the things she said needed to change I thought were mostly pretty fair. One of them was that I just couldn't lord over her that she was an alcoholic. I had set up a tracker on her phone so I could know where she was before - it really didn't do any good anyway. So I agreed things had to change.
So then what? I had lots of anger, and no vodka to numb me like she had. And lots of trust issues. During her inpatient treatment, one of the requirements to be able to see her once a week was that we had to sit through 2 hours of family therapy to be able to see her privately for 1 hour. During that time, a counselor gave us lectures on how addictions start, and an Al Anon rep came in and told us what Al Anon was about. I was convinced that what I had to do was join Al Anon. I had tried it once before, but didn't get it, so never went back. But this time, I knew I had to get rid of my anger, and I couldn't do it with her. If I got rid of my anger with her, since she was so ashamed of her alcoholism in her early recovery, our lives would have been miserable. So I wanted to find like-minded individuals who had been through it before, to whom I could vent and vent (and vent some more) and then get constructive advice on how to deal.
Turns out that the best thing I could do to support her recovery was have my own. I got to vent (and still do often, just look at some of my posts on here), and I have gotten to learn new ways of coping with life. I have learned that it's OK to feel feelings, and that it's encouraged to explore our own flaws and try to correct them. I had never done such a thing, even though I had been to therapy. Just becoming aware of these things, and being on this board all the time, and going to meetings I have (very slowly) become a new person. Even with that, my wife is recovering faster than I am, so that encourages me to try to keep up with her!
So keep coming back, check out our line meetings and chat room, check out face to face meetings as well. PM me if you want to discuss more, but usually it's best just to let it hang out here, you have already discovered what great people hang on this board with all the responses you have had already in < 24 hours!
Welcome to MIP- you're in the right place! I can relate to your story and other's provided wonderful responses. Alcoholism is a powerful, cunning, and baffling progressive disease that ends in insanity or death. Living with someone is much too much for most of us to handle on our own. Alanon provides the support, understanding, new perspectives and coping skills to improve our situation, regardless of what the alcoholic is or is not doing. I have observed that the best opportunities for relationships are when both work their perspective programs. I have found that the most efficient way to work the program is working the steps with a sponsor. Interesting question regarding healing or coping- I feel that as I heal I cope much better.
