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So I realized where I have an issue with my Ex-A that I need to acknowledge. When he came and made his amends, he "swept things under the rug". He then accused me of being "focused" on the past. He knows because "his sponsor" told him. A sponser who has never met me in my life and knows our story through my Ex-A "lenses". I feel frustrated by that one as you can tell. However, I know it is "not my issue" so let it go.
How can I come up with wording that will state the difference between "sweeping something under the rug" and "living in the past"? The issue is the same issue that he is still not acknowledging.
The actual issue is the high risk behavior which is now creeping into our parenting. However, if I provide an example when he asks. He then accuses me of "focusing on the past." Well all the examples will be in the past. Anything prior to today is the past.
My mediation session also needs to be future focused. Stuck on how to present it? I know I am not "bitter" and "resentful" like he tells me so I am not worried about that.
I don't know if this will be helpful or not..first, it does not sound like he was making amends, but I don't want to focus on him. This is delicate due to the nature of the circumstances. I find it best to word like this: It does not work for me when you_________. Worrying about our child's safety when you_______is torture for me. I need to feel that (childs name) is safe with you and that will take time because of these past behaviors (name them). I cannot, yet, let these things go, yet I am confident that when I no longer see these behaviors for an extended period of time, I will become more comfortable.
Be clear, direct and succinct. The less conversation, the better because his mind sounds like it is still manipulative based on what you have said in your posts (and he may have twisted around what his sponsor meant).
I think what Paula said above is great. Especially the part about the less conversation the better!
As you are pointing out, trust is all based on past behavior. That is why changes in trust always lag changes in behavior.
It took a long time for me to lose the trust in AW. I was married to her, I loved her, I couldn't' think bad things of her, right? So the trust slowly drained away. It should have drained faster, but that is denial in inaction. But when she had to get that trust back, it is taking a long time for it to return. Especially since we both know the inherent unreliability of early recovery. Again, the trust being based on recent past behavior, the past behavior is so heinous that it takes a long time for the trust to return.
This is a very typical dry drunk move and honestly he doesn't sound really ready to make an amends .. as you state that's his issue not yours. With meditation for me I just stuck to the facts and let my stbax show his crazy. I DID bring up anything that had to do with safety this includes any documented alcoholic related issues. A record is a record is a record. I also brought MY documented timelines of what happened in terms of visitation. That whole it's in the past .. that is BS big time .. it may be in the past for him because he doesn't want to talk about it .. I am dealing with the collateral damage in terms of the kids. I stuck to this wording .. stbax appeared to be .. my understanding is .. my experience is .. it is about the wording in court .. even in meditation. Hugs keep doing the next right thing s :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Yes Serenity my gut tells me "he does not want to discuss it or face it" and I am listening to my gut on this one. His apologies usually are a pattern to start abusing me again so in this case I am not accepting the apology. It may be his "best" however it is not "best" for either myself or my son. I disagree with the above statement "a truly spiritual person does not require an apology"
I agree I do not need an apology to move on, but the amends itself is a red flag.
this is just my ESH take what you like and dump the rest.
My partner has been sober for 2 years and in AA for 5 slipping and sliding. When he stops drinking he stops drinking that does not mean he is better.
He is still an alcoholic with all the isms, he can be irritable, nasty hard work. Then he goes to a meeting and comes home sometimes a little nicer he has taken his Aa medicine. He gets out of his recovery what he puts in and all he does to me is not personal it is part of the disease. The first time he made amends he apologised and then said BUT YOU COULD HAVE LEFT. this took the amends back as far as I was concerned. Today I can see that is just where he was at that time in his recovery, he needed to still put some blame on me because his part was to hard for him to face. Today he makes living amends he is so much nicer, kinder slowly growing changing into the real person behind the disease but it is a drip drip of programme I know he is aiming for progression not perfection.
Now enough about him lets look at me, he was right I COULD HAVE LEFT!!! but I did not like hearing that I wanted to blame him. When I did my step work I looked at my part. I have made amends to him for the blaming , nastiness basically for how I treated him for being stick. I hate alcoholism not my partner it is the disease that rips families apart it turns us on each other. My part in recovery has been to fight back against alcoholism and what it has done to me.
How do I do this some das better than others. I have seen long time members of AA who are healthy it took them a lots of hard work to get healthy, I have seen old timers in Al anon who are spiritually healthy again it took a lot of hard work. Today I try and accept where people are in recovery if they are an alcoholic or al anoner we are all doing the best we can to recover. I try and I mean try to have compassion for others yet keep focus on my actions, motives ,c behaviours and attitudes. I found living with active drinking soul destroying however I found sobriety very confusing its like I expected him to be ok once he stopped drinking yet his behaviour was still crazy. drinking is the physical they still have to work on emotional and spiritual sobriety which takes time. I also needed to work on my emotional and spiritual sobriety as my behaviour had become very negative. Today I have compassion yet also hold people accountable. My partner kept saying I was living in the past but he doesn't say that anymore today he understands the effects his disease has had on others.
I think what I am trying to say is there is hope you are both in recovery but it does not happen over night. I just had to do my part and leave him to his.
Thank you for this topic it has helped me to get the focus back on me. Think I need to get to extra meetings.
I can relate, I got an amends talk but it meant very little, however, I took something out of it. It helped me to hear him acknowledgr his part, for the first time ever he said he understood why I left, he got it. I truly believe he did, in that moment and it meant a lot to me and still does. The moment passed though very quickly, and I realised that his amends, our amends are only as deep as our recovery, they cant be forced or rushed, they come with a deep awareness and willingness to really see ourselves. Step 9 comes after all the others, they can only be as honest as the previous work. Keep your focus on you, your step work, your own amends. His recovery work is none of your business really and distracts you from your own.x
I would give about zero credence to comments like "My sponsor agrees too." You are right. The sponsor doesn't know you, but more likely, the ex-A is putting his own spin on conversations he has with the sponsor. I like what Paula said too. If you try and keep your boundary firm and not get fazed by all the distractions and deflections and blame game, that is best.
