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Post Info TOPIC: when they think, that just not drinking is enough and you should be greateful!


~*Service Worker*~

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when they think, that just not drinking is enough and you should be greateful!


Well I am greatful, for the not drinking but it isn't enough, I need more and I need better, I need to see and feel change from them, I am 50 plus now and life is extremely busy we all work hard and we all get tired quicker and the days we spend out of work are so precious, something that has become a huge part of my change is my thinking, mainly thinking before I respond and God give me strength before I OVER react.  

There was an incident last week that really upset me just one of many, and I am told repaetedly I am an over sensitive soul but am I really? would this be normal to someone else! 

There was a dead hedgehog in our garden, a big one I think it had been hit by a car, I mentioned it to my A, he said he would bury it, awwww I thought thats kind, when I noticed it had gone I said aww did you bury the hedgehog? he said it's at the wood yard. I said wood yard? he said yes. I said whats it doing there ? he said I threw it over, so this meant he had to put it in his car and drive with it, anyways I said that is so cruel. he said well what did you want me to do with it? I said well it would of been nice if you would of done what you originally said you was going to do, and bury it, he said well the foxes would of dug it up, and I said yes maybe but isn't that nature? 

I know I could apply the would you rather be happy or right here but come on, so this hedgehog thing has carried on, the a said it was dead anyway so what does it matter? he tells me he doesn't like the people at the wood yard anyway, so as I am writing this I am smiling to myself shaking my head, it's insanity isn't it? A's will say and do the opposite, you just can't count on the spoken word, It sounds like I am standing in judgment of him and I suppose I am but this is where I struggle it really is a big issue for me these behaviours, our son sees and thinks there funny, I know I will never change him, I just wish he would change himself and get the best out of people and his life. 

regards

Katy

   x

 



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Katy


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After reading your post it reminded me of something that my AH did. It seems as though vengeance is a response that many alcoholics exhibit. Perhaps it's a response to an underlying causal factor in using alcohol as a coping mechanism, I'm not sure. I've heard many stories similar to this, so your response just exhibits that you are rational in your thinking. Accepting these corks is the tricky part. My husband once keyed a car and kicked in the door because he thought the person parked to close to him, then responded with, "that'll teach em". Disturbing to us, yes, rational to them, yes. At least you were guiding him in the right direction. Perhaps the positive reinforcement that you gave him for what you thought he did will do him some good.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I have learned that expectations are future resentments and then the solution to that one is acceptance is the solution to all of my problems.  It really is and now I don't expect the world to run the way I think it should and when I start thinking it should I remember WAIT!!  What Am I Thinking? or when I am grumbling  Why Am I Talking?  Best for me to let go....and let God.    ((((hugs)))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Yup - that happens a lot in our house.
The times that it upsets me are when I like the sound of something that AH is proposing but then the follow through is tinged with something that I find ugly. It is as if there is such an aversion to doing something nice!
I know that if I were in your situation I would feel warmly towards AH for proposing to handle the hedgehog in a kind and considerate manner; I'd then kick myself for having this expectation (why wouldn't I expect him to do what he said? Oh yes, I remember!); it is the disappointment that would be upsetting me. If AH had simply said 'yes I'll handle it' I wouldn't have been drawn in and then felt disappointed. So now when AH says he is going to do something nice I try not to prejudge anything. Actions speak louder than words.
BTW I can completely relate to being 50+ and being grateful that the drinking has stopped but hoping for broader change in, dare I say it, character. I'm thankful to be learning about boundaries - they finally seem easier that miracles!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Good Morning Katy

I know where your coming from, I understand. I'm also grateful my A is not drinking now because of where he's at but still the craziness continues with his words. He called me and started talking about the arrest for his DUI. I told it was sad but it was going to happen one day if he drove while drunk. WELL, he said he was not drunk, he had spent 12 hours at the hospital before he left his dads house that evening. I said he was still intoxicated though. He says no...they sobered me up first.

Well the hospital sobered him up from a BAC of .507 down to .20 before they released him. In his mind he was sober and nothing in this world will change his mind and at the time of the arrest his BAC was 1.5 and he thinks he shouldn't have been arrested. He was sober period....

Let go Let God Katy.....all we can do is love them with kindness and pray someday they will see the light.

((( hugs )))


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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
bud


~*Service Worker*~

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((Katy)) I can relate! So many times I believed that I was speaking with someone rational or had expectations that I was speaking to someone rational. My expectations set me up for disappointment. Hindsight being 20/20, I no longer think that I was having a 2 way conversation with my exAH for years. He lives his own distorted reality inside his head and doesn't see or conceptualize what's outside of that, and this is where he speaks from and takes action.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I, too, am capable of saying one thing and doing another and I'm not an A. One of the benefits to loving As for me has been seeing that some of what bothers me about them is in me. Whether or not I choose to retaliate or follow through on plans and promises I've made or to speak before I think are all issues I've had to work on in this program. My As might be more extreme in their thoughts and behaviors than I am, but everything in them is also in me. I didn't like these truths about me when I became aware of them. Acceptance and program action helped me recognize the difference between my working a program or not working a program.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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I'm of a different mindset yes other people's short comings are a reflection of me .. however the reality is my stbax didn't think like I do .. thank you God! I can try and rationalize why he should I can try and convince him he should because I'm right .. lol .. or I can just accept that's the addict thought process and leave it at that .. it's a lot easier and it doesn't drain my energy. I have been around my stbax a lot this last week and its exhausting. The interesting part is I'm not investing 1/2 as much time into why he does what he does .. it really doesn't matter. I notice the difference in daily dealings. I'm very glad he's got his own apartment to go to. Hugs

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



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I can so relate to not being able to count on A's spoken word. It seems that most often even the small things are questionable. That is hard, the mistrust and not being able to count on someone when you need them.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Yep, the A's perception of reality is way different from mine. Way different. I can fall into a trap if I think the A is going to think and act like I do. And because my A currently isn't drinking, the past is forgotten on their end. I haven't forgotten drinkin and driving, lying, sneaking, etc., but the A does. So for me it's practice, practice, practice, everything I am learning in alanon. It is truly a life-saver for me and a way to find peace and happiness, in spite of what my A is doing. I'm not good at it everyday, but I am improving, Lyne

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Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

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I can understand, my ex was dry for 6 yrs and in some ways it was worse than the drinking. All the isms remained but I tiptoed round even more, having to be grateful that he was sober. I had never heard of dry drunk and I knew little of the disease. So we both remained in our sickness. How important is it, is a good slogan because it asks us to think about our own serenity, is it important enough to give up our serenity. The dead hedgehog is probably not really the issue, but the strange way alcoholics think about most things. Its like a different language and it can be infuriating but we could spend our whole lives being infuriated, the changing part belongs to us. It isnt about him changing or suddenly having rational thought processes, its about you. Your thouht processes, detaching from the insanity, protecting your own peace of mind. Its all a choice.

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