The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new here, and I've never attended an al-anon meeting before, although I probably should have...I'm not quite sure how this works, so I suppose providing a little introduction as to how I got here would help. I've had a lot of experience dealing with alcoholism, as both my brother and my husband are current addicts in extreme denial with extreme behaviors. My brother began drinking very early on in his life, and it progressed to the point where he was also doing hard drugs in tandem; he almost lost his life several times. It was not easy living in a house as a teenager with an abusive father, and an addict brother. There were so many sleepless nights, and many incidents that I can't even begin to describe. Somehow I managed to put myself through college, even though my graduation day was almost ruined because my brother's "friends" tried to break into our house and do God knows what. There were always those moments where you cringed when the phone rang, or when the door opened. You never new what kind of creepy person he had in the house when you needed to use the bathroom at 2 am. It was never certain what type of mood he would be in, or if this was the night he'd have a psychotic breakdown again and be hauled off in an ambulance. I swore to myself that my life would never be like that ever again. So much so that I focused my undergraduate studies in psychology. I intended to help people so that they wouldn't have to suffer like I did. My senior year of college was a turning point for me, when I realized that I was still doing for everyone else. So I changed my focus from counseling psychology to neuroscience. I intended to be a neurosurgeon, and I have to say I never felt more alive than I did with a brain and a scalpel in my hand.
That dream came to a crashing halt when I was in a very bad car accident a few months before graduation (not my fault). I ended up with injuries to my neck, entire back, both shoulders, and both knees. I've had two surgeries so far, and still need a few more (I can't have them done due to financial difficulties due to AH, you all know that story..). Ultimately my knees will need to be replaced, perhaps my shoulders as well, and I have permanent nerve damage with disabling arthritis throughout my thoracic and lumbar spine (I'm 33..). I can walk, but I'm in constant gut wrenching pain. Even this hasn't totally put me down. I've managed to have three boys (10, 3, and 1), and I again put myself through a master's degree program in psychology and behavioral medicine. My plan is to become a neuropsychologist. Not quite the surgical career I intended, but still so rewarding to help people, and to do research to further understand treatments for people in my physical condition. I plan to go for the PhD, but my obstacles are pretty clear, so here I am. I clearly have the ability to get through some major life events, and still get to where I want to go in life, but living with an alcoholic, that has left me sitting like a deer blinded by headlights...
I met my AH when I was 11 years old. We were part of the same group of friends, and we hung out together almost every weekend. Just before I turned 19 we became a couple. Bare in mind that I knew him pretty well, and there were no signs what so ever that he had any kind of problem. We were together throughout my entire undergraduate studies. We did go out to bars and such once in a while, as most kids our age at the time did, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary to me. Granted, I didn't see him much because I was in school, work, or conducting research. The only thing that frustrated me about him was that he couldn't hold down a job, and my parents didn't approve. I assumed he was just unsure of what he wanted to do, but today I have a much clearer picture as to why this was happening. I graduated college, and was planning to and did attend another university to start my master's degree (even with all the injuries..). I found out half way through the semester that I was pregnant with our first son. I wasn't ready, but I was very excited. I finished out the semester, and planned to attend night school after I had the baby (little did I know..). I started spending everyday with my AH, as we were trying to find a home to start out life together. (prior to this we both still lived with our parents. I was in school, he was unemployed and his daddy quickly got him a job with him). This is pretty much where my head began to spin, as I quickly realized how this man was in fact an alcoholic, this was going on for a great deal of time, and his behavior was so unbelievable that I wouldn't step foot in a car with him anymore. There were countless nights where I tried to tell myself that it was just a phase, and he would be a good father. The night he left me at our newly purchased home (with no furniture, food, or cups to drink from the sink) for 10 hours when I was nine months pregnant with no vehicle or phone to go drink with his buddy, was the last straw for me. I threatened him; he laughed at me, and remembered nothing the next day. I talked to his mother (the condescending crazy person of a mother in law) and she threatened me stating that if I ever tried to leave, she would make sure that she got my baby. Being the vulnerable 23 year old I was, I believed her, and I stayed. Things got worse, much worse. I would be home caring for the baby and he was out drinking, driving, and getting into bar fights. He never hit me, but the verbal abuse was unbearable, and he was always in my face. After three years of putting up with this, I finally had another last straw. We went to a friend's house where he was exceedingly drunk. He was yelling at people, jumping on the roof of our jeep, etc. It was a birthday party for our friends' child, and my son was with us. I left him there and stayed at my parent's house. I went home the next morning unsure of my plan, and he was still drunk. The conversation was not nice and there were holes in the walls all over the house. He passed out in the yard for a few hours, and woke up like nothing ever happened. My son was so confused, and I planned to leave. He talked me out of it, and cleaned himself up for a while. Then the next last straw came when he rolled over the jeep my parent's had given me. He left it in the road, ran home, and burst in the door looking like he was shot. My son, again confused. I was done, but then thought, finally, he will get the help he needs. Nope, his father actually came over and called the police trying to tell them that he was driving and swerved to miss a dear. Get this, the police didn't believe him, and knew my husband was driving (he had a prior dui, and wrecked a vehicle before) but they couldn't prove it, so they fined my father in law; my husband paid the fine. I was done yet again, but he cleaned up for a bit. Yes you all know how this goes, they clean up when they have to, and then it gets worse again. There were a few other incidents in between, but my most recent last straw was last year when I received a phone call from my AH that he was being escorted home by police with a search warrant, and I needed to get the kids out of the house. He had stolen items from work, and apparently listed them for sale online. He lost his job, and was awaiting felony charges. I sat in a daze for some time, as I couldn't figure out how I was going to pay the mortgage and feed the kids. He stopped drinking (because there was no money) and got a job. The job paid much much less, but he straightened out for a bit yet again. It was thought for sure that he was looking at some serious punishments, given his track record. Some how, some way, he only ended up with fines and probation. It came with a hefty price tag of over 8k, but he pretty much got off once again. I thought this would somehow work in my favor, as he does have a probation officer, but much to my dismay, there has not been one check-in, phone call or anything from this individual. Over the weekend, we had our son's first birthday party. He drank excessively once again, took off on his four wheeler and almost rolled it, and then attempted to move his truck and ran over my three year old's picnic table and his bike. My oldest was awake at the time crying, and as I held him in my arms he asked me why daddy is so stupid all the time. My AH was again saying very condescending things to my son, to the point where I took him with me into his room and locked the door so my husband would pass out somewhere and leave him be.
I have been struggling with the should I stay or should I go for years. I could deal with it when it was just me that had to deal with this, but now my son is seeing all of this, and I can't bare to see him feel like that. I came here because I need support. I have been a therapist, and I know where this is going...progressively worse and worse. I know how I would help someone else through this situation, but when I'm in my own shoes, I just have this constant battle in my head. Are the good times we have with him better than no times at all, or are the effects of his benders going to do more damage than his infrequent sober times. I am the type of person that listens to everyone else, but has no one to talk to. When I try to open up to someone, I get the, "why are you there?" "you need to leave" "well, you married him" "how could you put your kids through things you went through?" "For a woman with two degrees in psychology, you aren't too bright".........I know what the likely outcome is, and I know I need to focus on me and the kids, but I guess I need all of you here to help encourage me to focus on me. How on earth do you all do that when you are all clearly selfless like me, and there is constant chaos going on in the background? I feel like I can only shelter the kids so much, but then I can't stand the thought of taking them away from their dad. Since I'm at the point where I keep saying this is the last straw, and then I can't follow through on it, I suppose what I need is clarity. It becomes very clear when my 10 year old wakes me up because he can't use the bathroom because daddy is passed out on the toilet with a cigarette burning a hole in the floor. Then it becomes unclear when he wakes up as happy go lucky dad who's sober and wants to be part of the family. This is the most confusing disease there is. Even working in a therapeutic setting, every person in social work, psychology, rehab, etc. will tell you the same thing: it's the hardest disease to cure because nothing works unless that person wants help. The cycle always continues, and much of the time it's a dead end. My AH doesn't want help because he still to this day thinks he is just fine and dandy. Hangover headaches are always from the herniated disc in his neck, and throwing up is from his indigestion issues. Cars are wrecked because he swerved to hit a dear, and he was acting like he was because I made him do it. I know better, but nothing gets through to him, not even his son calling him out on things. I'm sorry this is so long. I don't disclose information to anyone, so I suppose I kept this in for way to long trying to battle it on my own. I know this isn't my fault, and I know I can't fix it, but I also know that I need someone to talk to, and I need support to make more productive decisions in my life. I suppose I need to better define the last straw, which is a good goal to start with. My problem is, I run from the monster at night, and greet my husband with open arms in the morning.....I have read some of your posts, and you are all so strong and wonderful. Thank you for letting me in to your worlds, as it has provided me with some comfort knowing that I have people to talk to that also carry the weight of 1000 men on their shoulders everyday.
It is said that alanon can help you find serenity and happiness whether the alcoholic continues to drink or not. I may have gotten the exact wording wrong but its something to that effect. My current wife and I are both members of alanon and we are both alcoholics. Double winners they call us. We are fortunate in that we have never seen each other drink and therefore never had to deal with each others BS. I have heard her story and I'm sure we would have made quite a mess of each others' lives. I was married before, to a drinking alcoholic so I know how that story goes. Personally, I don't think I could handle that. In fact, I salute those of you who continue to hope when there seems to be no hope at all, to continue to love even when it seems that love will never be enough. You are very strong. Maybe I am too. Maybe I could, with the help of my higher power and the fellowship, and a good sponsor, maybe I could be that strong too. And if there's hope for me, a guy who has never had to deal with what you deal with on a daily basis, well just imagine what a gal like you could accomplish. Know what I mean, jellybean? :)
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
and a very big welcome, (((((hugs)))))), it is very hard to get your head around isn't it? The way i see alanon working for me is, just like your story of so much strength determination and misfortune, yet you are sooooooooooooo strong so intelligent still we can't overcome this on our own, we seem to get to this point when we realise that, we need a new mind set new examples, I am half in half out of my marriage too, still unsure of making a final decision to leave not particularly the man but the chaos that ensues, I am becoming aware of what is acceptable to me to tollorate and what is not good for me to be around, however my thinking and doing do not go hand in hand for me, and I hope I am making steady progress for that to become clear in my future, what Is helping me, is knowing I have choices lots and lots of choices, even wrong choices are learning curves if that makes sense, glad you have found us my friend, keep coming back.
Thank you so much for telling your story - it helps all of us to be reminded of just how baffling and illogical alcoholism is.
I do not have much access to Alanon since I live up a mountain in Italy so this site is a very special place for me - somewhere where I can learn that I am not alone and that these ridiculous problems and behaviours in my life are not unique to me by any means. By reading the posts here I can also see how others cope and learn to take steps to take care of themselves. It is an inspirational place!
I have been to Alanon face to face meetings though and my first meeting was a turning point in my life. I walked in and initially met a charming group of fizzy, delightful people, all male and rather attractive! This was the AA meeting group and they gently waylaid me because one of their number was having a bit of a hissy fit in the Alanon meeting room. (Not at all normal btw so have no fears!). After about ten minutes I was able to go in and join the Alanon group. As I walked through the door I felt love and unconditional acceptance - it felt wonderful, such a relief to meet some folks who just 'got it'. I also noticed that this small group of people, a group that was being so generous and giving, was also completely exhausted and worn out. And I recognised myself in all of this and I thought to myself 'I don't want to be worn out, exhausted and afraid any more'. And since then I've been learning and learning and learning.
One of the things that puzzles me these days is why a Cosmo reading young girl who has managed to have a successful career grew up to become me - someone who tolerates, and indeed cowers, in the face of such ridiculous behaviour. I don't really know the answer, and I'm finally beginning to think it does not matter that much anyway because it is what I do next that counts!
I do hope that you stay with us and keep coming back and I hope that you have a wonderful Alanon group in your neighbourhood if you choose to give it a try - it certainly helped me a lot.
I am so happy that you shared and connected with Miracles in Progress. The painful, confusing experiences that you shared are certainly familiar to many of us who have lived with this progressive, fatal disease of alcoholism .
Living with this disease, that affects all that it come in contact with(drinking or not) we develop negative coping tools that keeps us focused on the insanity of the disease and attempting to fix it while we loose and neglect ourselves and our lives. We need a program of recovery just as the alcoholic does. AA is the program that works for the alcoholic and alanon is the program that is very successful in supporting the family members. Face to Face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is found in the white pages. Breaking the isolation caused by living in this insanity and connecting with others who truly understand is the first Step in our recovery. Please keep coming back here as well There is hope
Welcome. There are many (if not all) that have asked ourselves the same questions and have had the same flip flopping going on in our heads, leading us to feel like frauds. It is time to drop down into your heart, soul and body, and you can do that by engaging/ embracing the 12 steps. That can be done through alanon meetings and having a sponsor. In time, the voices in your head will be kinder and less conflicted, then your body can relax. You have had few moments in your life where you can let down your guard and feel safe. You need to know safety, your body needs to know safety...you are safe here. Keep telling your story to people in recovery who will be accepting and loving of your process. Those not in recovery don't understand and, in time, it won't matter if you build another community to give you what you need. I am discerning about what I share to whom. Be gentle with you..we are here when you need us. The light is always on and a cup of tea is waiting in someone's home.
It becomes very clear when my 10 year old wakes me up because he can't use the bathroom because daddy is passed out on the toilet with a cigarette burning a hole in the floor. Then it becomes unclear when he wakes up as happy go lucky dad who's sober and wants to be part of the family. This is the most confusing disease there is. Even working in a therapeutic setting, every person in social work, psychology, rehab, etc. will tell you the same thing: it's the hardest disease to cure because nothing works unless that person wants help. The cycle always continues, and much of the time it's a dead end. My AH doesn't want help because he still to this day thinks he is just fine and dandy. Hangover headaches are always from the herniated disc in his neck, and throwing up is from his indigestion issues. Cars are wrecked because he swerved to hit a dear, and he was acting like he was because I made him do it. I know better, but nothing gets through to him, not even his son calling him out on things. I'm sorry this is so long. I don't disclose information to anyone, so I suppose I kept this in for way to long trying to battle it on my own. I know this isn't my fault, and I know I can't fix it, but I also know that I need someone to talk to, and I need support to make more productive decisions in my life. I suppose I need to better define the last straw, which is a good goal to start with. My problem is, I run from the monster at night, and greet my husband with open arms in the morning.....I have read some of your posts, and you are all so strong and wonderful. Thank you for letting me in to your worlds, as it has provided me with some comfort knowing that I have people to talk to that also carry the weight of 1000 men on their shoulders everyday.
Hi laststraw,
You have been given lots of good experience, strength, and hope here. I have a bit more, I hope it helps.
My alcoholic wife of 23 years has been alcoholic the last 3 or 4 years. We have a son which we both adore, 13 years old. When she is in her right mind, she loves him more than anything. But when she drinks, she does stupid stuff, such as trying to pick him up from school with a BAC of .25. When she is active, she is totally irrational, her values seemingly change completely. Even during the sober periods in the active phase, she is irrational, makes crazy decisions, flies off the handle, yells at our son and our dogs, etc.
And sometimes she would wake up in the morning after binging a half gallon of vodka as sweet as pie, seemingly more ready for the day than normal. And at that point she wouldn't believe me when I showed her the bottle I took from her the night before that she had been drinking.
Something had to give, her merry go round of denial(and my denial for awhile) and binging was killing our little family. And the thing that gave was her 10 day stay in jail for her 2nd DUI.
Both of her DUIs came when I finally decided just to get out of the way and let her take her lumps. Once she got her 2nd DUI she got serious and has been sober ever since, yesterday was her 5 month anniversary.
You might want to re-read your last paragraph as if you didn't know the person who wrote it. You might find out some things about yourself and your situation, and answer some questions. In the meantime, if you can get to Alanon face to face meetings, read and post here, and go to our online meetings, you will get your head slowly cleared so you can act instead of react, love instead of enable, and focus on yourself and your dependents instead of the A.
Wolfie55 Thank you for your kind thoughts! You are a very strong person! I have read some of your posts, and the work that you do is incredibly commendable. Your story gives me hope. To be able to battle the demons that you have battled, and to help guide those that need a little redirection, is truly inspirational. Some would say that you are one of the lucky ones, but I think that it takes a very strong individual with exceptional qualities to do what you have done. I have also read the story that you posted the other day about the daughter putting the man back together. This was very touching to me personally. I actually wrote this story down. Sometimes I leave things like that lying around where I know my husband will find them. This way I'm not shoving it in his face, but I have faith that there's a possible likelihood that one of these stories will "click" with him. Keep posting, it's very refreshing to read your thoughts. By the way, you don't have to ponder your strength, you are a very strong person!
Katy Thank you so much for your support. You are absolutely right. The man is hard to leave, but the chaos makes you want to make a b line for the door. No matter how much you read, how much you know, or how much support you give, it isn't easy to make one ultimate decision. I hope that we both find the answers that we are looking for, or at least find peace in our choices :)
Milkwood Thank you for your words of inspiration. I too live in a very secluded place where al-anon meetings are not very plentiful, so that is what brought me here as well. It is baffling how you look in the mirror, and think, how did this happen to me? You are right though, this doesn't really matter much. The idea that there are choices, and there are next steps really helps. I think I am one of those exhausted people that you referenced. I'm working on that. I'm me for my children, and fall apart when everyone is sleeping. I always get back up though. Sometimes I just need a moment to break so that I can reflect on what was for the day, and focus on what could be better the next day.
Betty Thank you so much. You are absolutely right. Trying to fix things in isolation is no way to live. I think that I often beat myself up because of the degrees that I have, and the expectations that everyone places on me because of them. Even though I know that this isn't my battle, I too suffer from the effects. So much so that I actually removed myself from any type of therapeutic work for the time being, and focused my energy on teaching. I very much enjoyed working with people, but I think that I need to take a step back and focus on my issues. Once I'm back to me, I can again enjoy helping others. I think I finally came to the realization that I need to focus on what I want for myself and the kids, and I need to put the madness caused by the alcoholism on the back burner. Last night I wrote down my goals, which I haven't had a moment to do in a long time. I also made some weekly goals where the kids and I could get away for a few hours together, where we could laugh and have a great time without the lurking chaos in the background. Just the thought of this time made my heart smile.
Paula Your kind words were so refreshing. You are so right, I do need a safe place, and the way that you explained that the light is always on and a warm cup of tea is waiting is so comforting. I do not have that, and so desperately need it. Thank you so very much!
Kenny Thank you so much for sharing your story. It certainly gives me hope that my AH will also come to a point where things turn around. I'm glad that things got much better for you, and I hope they continue to get even better :) I did reread my entry, and it was very clear that I was angry when I wrote it. I think the hard part for me is that I too have backed off and let him take the fall for his actions, but it seems that he has a way of getting away with things. Perhaps I'm just frustrated because I think that that will be his wake up call, when in reality, it may not even be his aha moment. It would certainly be much easier if he was always "the monster", but those great dad moments are what keep my hope alive, and keep me on I guess what you would call the enabling path. If we didn't have children the threats would be much easier to follow through on. I have two big fears about leaving. One is that his drinking will ultimately kill him if we are not here to keep him somewhat grounded, and two, he would get some type of custody, and he would absolutely definitely endanger the children while they were in his care. I also love him very much. I know that I would be ok without him, but it's certainly confusing when you know you're leaving the good man that hides behind the monster. I also very much focused on my discussion of what my son is seeing. I have already found someone for him to talk to about this. He needs a safe place too. I definitely do need to make time for self-reflection, you are certainly correct there. Sometimes I think that I am enabling my actual husband, when I'm really enabling his evil twin. For instance, I actually thanked my husband every single day for going to work and supporting us even though he hated his job. Then he gets arrested for stealing. The one thing that I have already taken away from this with everyone's heart felt comments is that I will be taking some time away from the chaos with the children. He can do his thing, and the kids and I are going to go out and enjoy each other.
(((laststraw))) My experience was when I took the focus off my AW her power reduced enormously. That was partially due to my not giving her power, and partially de to her not being able to take power.
I think that is a great goal you have. When my AW would binge, son and I would hang together. We didn't have to leave because she was passed out, but many people do have to leave for the evening or the week.
