The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was hoping to get some insight on this. I have recently been re-connected with a man whom I've known from my home town years ago. We were a couple years apart, so didn't go to school together and so I didn't know him that well. About 5 years ago, we met at my work where he had just started, recognized each other, and there was a spark between us even though I was in a relationship at the time.
During the time that we worked together, we were at a party and ended up going home together. We were both very drunk, but knew what we were doing. This happened on a couple occasions, then I got back with my boyfriend and he moved away. Years passed and we have kept in touch over the months periodically, and other relationships have come and gone. Then, last fall, he admitted via an email that he had a drinking problem and started going to AA. He has been in the program for 7 months now.
Back to present. He moved back, and we met a couple months ago for coffee and had a wonderful conversation about life in general etc. It was a breath of fresh air being around him, and I realized we had a lot in common minus the booze. The attraction was still there, and we both admitted it. We have since kept in touch, and I went to stay with him for a weekend(we live nearby in different cities). Had a great time together, talking, and also intimately. We didn't have sex, but just kissed and had profound moments of tenderness.
We talked about where we were both at. I am 38 and want a family, and someone to build a life with. He is 37 and wants the same thing and told me he likes me and our time together but also said that he is just getting to know who he is through his recovery. I really feel a lot for this man, and my question is, how can I be a support through his recovery, while still having romantic feelings? I don't want to come in between his journey, and want him to do what is right for him, so there is no pressure. Please help!
Hello. Welcome to MIP. AL-Anon is the answer to your question. Face to face meetings, literature, finding a good sponsor will all help you achieve the goals you have stated here - to stay out of his program work, get the education and support you will need if you and even if you don't progress to a committed relationship to him, and to keep the focus(pressure) on you and not on him. Keep coming back here, too.
I was in a meeting once. This lady had told her sponsor she was feeling suicidal and her sponsor suggested that she do her steps first. That way she wouldn't be killing the wrong person. I wasn't feeling suicidal but I had been contemplating a relationship. I decided to do my steps first and to make sure she did hers. That way we would both know what we were bringing to the table. We've been together 16 years and married 14 years. We are both in AA and both in Alanon and we try to practice the principles we learned here in our day to day living. It has worked most of the time. Will that work for you? I don't know. Maybe. Wasn't much help I know. :)
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
Aloha UCO and welcome to the board you have received some good ESH (Experience Strength and Hope) from two of your experienced family members more is coming. I wish I had found and gotten into the Al-Anon Family Groups long before I married my first addict and then had a relationship with my next alcoholic and then married my second alcoholic/addict because I would have heard and learned so much which would have helped me to make a more informed decision. Let me paraphrase the definition of alcoholism which we use to read at the start of my early face to face meetings.
Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence. It is a progressive disease which always gets worse and never better. If the alcoholic were to have anytime in sobriety and then return to drinking (relapse) often times it will be worse. The alcoholic looses the ability to decide whether they drink or not the disease does that for them. If not arrested by total abstinence the alcoholic is left with 3 choices...sobriety, insanity and/or death. We too are as affected as the alcoholic and don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality; therefore we go thru the insanity wide awake (they have blackouts and often don't remember what happens) and we also affect everything we come into contact with. We also have much the same three choices...Serenity, insanity and/or death.
Thinking that the spouse or friend or associate of the alcoholic could die as a result of the relationship is not far fetched as I came into the program suicidal and have witnessed the deaths of more than a handful of friends and relatives of the addicted often times in insane irrational ways.
You are making a decision to try to have a rational and fulfilling relationship and life with a person who carries a disease which destroys everything it comes into contact with. I made that same decision afterI was certain I didn't want to and then I learned that alcoholics are alluring and that the disease is cunning, powerful and baffling. This was the fact of our relationship...Yes we wooed and cooed and dreamt and planned and wished and then exploded. Yes We came to love each other only after years of work and recovery and then even in love found that we had no reason to be married in the first place. Thats my story and not yours.
My suggestion is that you also contact the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area. The hotline number should be in the white pages of your local telephone book under Al-Anon. Call that number and find out where and when we get together in your town and then plan on going to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days. You boy friend has told you how important sobriety is for him...it actually is a matter between life and death or institutions. He apparently has lost most of what was important to him before he re-met you and in that time found sobriety. If he has had any real time practicing the disease of alcoholism...7 months isn't a lot of sobriety.
When you are in the family group meetings get as much literature as you can about the disease and get connected with the fellowship which has alot of time in recovery. These are the people who saved my life. Keep coming back to MIP...these are the people who help me keep my life and my happiness. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome - this is a great place to come and learn about the effects of alcoholism and I found it really useful to read other peoples posts - some parts I recognised in my own life and some parts were different. Other things I thought were different turned out to be things that I just didn't want to think about at the time!
Your friends recovery is his and once I recognised that in my husband it made it easier for us both. We are at our best together when AH has a good amount of sobriety under his belt and he is enjoying life without bringing his worries to me.
Three of the most attractive men I've ever met have had problems with alcohol. These guys are great, exciting to be with, and their candles all burn bright. Having lived in the storm of alcoholism for twelve years I have finally learnt that despite my admiration for these men, my thrill in their company my wings get scorched when I fly too close.
